why do violent men play the victim after the incident?

Question

i have seen women who are in domestic violent relationships and after the male has been violent they always seem to play the victim and accuse the real victim of things eg. you wind me up, if you hadnt have done or said this??? they then procede to say " it was only a slap, i cant remember what i was doing?? hmm strange because they always seem to. remember what the other was doing

Answer 1

Abusers never admit or take responsibility for their behaviour, and if you are expecting an appology, forget it. You need to work out why you go with abusive men. You need to increase your self esteem as you obviously feel worthless of being treated well. It is all aout making themselves feeling better whilst putting you down (It is a power issue).

Domestic violence is learned intentional behaviour rather than the consequence of stress, individual pathology, substance use or a 'dysfunctional' relationship. Perpetrators of domestic violence frequently avoid taking responsibility for their behaviour, by blaming their violence on someone or something else, denying it took place at all or minimising their behaviour. A quote from the Woman's Aid website:



Whilst responsibility for the actual violence is the perpetrator's alone, there are belief systems in our society that perpetuate abusive attitudes and make it difficult for women and children to get help. These include:

- Blaming the victim for the violence
- Putting the 'family' before the safety of women and children
- Tolerating the use of violence
- Privileging men over women and children's needs
- Treating domestic violence as a private matter

Research shows that violent men are most likely to perpetrate violence in response to their own sexual jealousy and possessiveness; their demands for domestic services; and in order to demonstrate male authority. Some men also believe that sex is another type of domestic service that they can demand. Violent men will also typically justify or ignore their behaviour by:

- Minimising the violence eg, saying it was "just a slap" or "isn't that bad".
- Justifying the behaviour to themselves and blaming the victim.
- Denying the violence happened or refusing to talk about it and expecting the victim to just "move on". (Dobash & Dobash, 2000).


http://www.claudesteiner.com/osp2.htm This link analyses in depth the kind of behaviours abusers use and how you can use them to your advantage. This is based on transactional analysis, and explains a lot of the methods abusers use.

Answer 2

Just to try and get a little balance here, because most of the answers are so biased. There is at least as much violence from women on men, but men rarely report it. I would say that it is even more likely that a woman will play the victim after carrying out some dastardly deed, they are much better at it.

I have known many marriages where the wife routinely humiliates the husband in public, and it can go on for years. I don't know how they withstand it. Moreover, if women set their mind to it, they can drive a man half way up the wall with nagging, again, I have seen many examples of this. Every body has a snapping point, and I think that persistent nagging is worse than mild physical violence, it is like torture. To add to this, the Family Courts are dominated by biased feminists, are held in camera, and produce the most unfair verdicts.

I have been around too long and seen too much to buy this feminist propaganda. I will let the younger males get sucked in.

Answer 3

"Playing the victim card" doesn't mean the person playing it isn't a victim to some degree. Usually they are a victim, but that isn't the whole story. There is the matter of how much of a victim they really are and in what way, if any, they may have contributed to becoming victimized. "Playing the victim card" (or playing any sort of card) means that the person is using a generalization to oversimplify the situation in an attempt to gain sympathy and favour concerning their situation. The situation in reality might not favour them much or at all, but acting like it should based on some established bias is used to garner them favour. edit: As someone else mentioned and I was alluding to, it is about exploiting their situation. If they were indeed raped and they stick to the facts when reporting it, then they aren't trying to make out they are any more of a victim than they actually are, so they wouldn't be playing the victim card. So if they adhere to the oath people are given in court when testifying to "tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth", then they won't be pretending anything.

Answer 4

if you want a technical explanation the best i know is from transactional analysis.

we all have a 'life position', one of four -

i'm ok, you're ok - this is the 'healthy one'
i'm not ok, you're ok - leads to lo self-esteem and lack of independence among other things
i'm not ok, you're not ok - usually the one that leads to madness
i'm ok, you're not ok - this is the abuser stance and is a life-decision that 'excuses' abusive behaviour.

to answer your question - the last position will be informing what an abuser allows themselves to do - an attempt to make themselves feel better by harming others. the thing is that the position is just a defence and BENEATH it, every time, the abuser really sees themselves as a victim and probably WAS a victim in the first place. as long as they don't deal with their original abuse they will go around hurting others and playing the victim afterwards.

Answer 5

well i can only speculate.

It's purely excuses because they dont want to own up to their own doing. They don't want to admit they are wrong.

Or

They them selves have learned just this by the actions of other men. They have learned this from their fathers. And having never been taught anything else they continue to do it.

now another question is why does the women stay. They have a choice, you can't possibly make me believe they dont. They can get up and leave. They can get out of the relationship.

My mom has done it with two kids in toe.

there are times of what is called blind rage, in which the person remembers neither side of what happend. But those are very rare cases.

Answer 6

Because they do know that what they did was wrong but need a reason to justify why they acted in the way that they did - therefore removing some of the blame from themselves.

For example:
*husband hits wife
*husband says to wife that she "made" him get that angry and that if she did this, he just lost it
*he's very apologetic after hitting her and tells her that he won't do it again and that he was yuck for hitting her
*he treats her like a queen for a short bit
*wife sees that and thinks "oh he can change, he didn't mean what he did" or "well maybe i shouldn't have made him so mad
*next time around - same thing happens

Eventually...wife's self confidence in herself gets lower and lower and she may even start to believe that she deserved the hitting that she received. Cycle keeps occurring over and over again.

Husband continues to take the stance that "she made me do it" - "I wouldn't have done it if she didn't piss me off so much"

it's a very sad situation...

Answer 7

Yes, why do they? I was in a relationship with a c..t who beat the crap out of me and dislocated my jaw when i wouldn't go to bed when i was told.
When word got out he absolutely played the victim. Accused me of everything and said he couldn't help it because it was my fault. I was a druggie. I was a prostitute. Yeah right. Son of a *****!! Anything to take the blame off HIM. But he did try to buy his friends by feeding them on cigars and nice words. Tosser! Don't think too highly of men. As you can imagine. Too many of his kind to last me a lifetime.

Answer 8

Their psychological makeup is such that they blame the world for all their problems and actions. It is always someone else who made them do things and they accept no responsibility. They actually feel justified in battering a woman or a child with no remorse. Not easy to treat I'm afraid.

Answer 9

because inside every person, no matter how violent or volatile, there is a softie! Still, there is NO EXCUSE WHATSOEVER to play the victim when you are the culprit.

Answer 10

It's narrow-minded people like yourself that don't allow men to get the rights they deserve. Some women,believe it or not,actually start the violence. Sometimes men are just defending themselves and STILL get arrested! What a crock of ****!