what would you do????

Question

newly married and my husband misses his children sooooo (girl-18, boy-16) much that he will do anything to see them. the son doesnt come around at all. the daughter is sweet and calls when she needs money or something. the daughter never sent me a thank you card for her graduation gift. I told her father to quit talking badly about their mom (she had an affair with his best friend). I had his daughter go to counseling with us so she could get some help. I've tried to be supportive and after we got married, she went from bad to worse. I told her dad that he needs to lay down the law and tell her that she must show respect. that's all. i have a child, and i make sure she/he knows that she/he has to show respect. i make sure he always says "thank you" and speaks to my husband in the morning, when he comes home, and tells him goodnight. my child likes his new "dad". they do butt heads occasssionally, but i respect my husbands feelings and requests.

He says he can't "make" his daughter

do anything because she's 18. i told him he could tell her that she'll have to get her own car insurance which would double, or she can pay back her own student loan or something.....

she makes good money and lives with her mom rent free.... but he still gives her money because "life is so hard for her"

any advice?

... the daughter is sweet when she needs something....

Answer 1

You get married to a man who has nearly-grown children, and then want to change him?!? How he treats them, who he is with them, has developed over the course of many years. If he asks you for help or suggestions, by all means, give them. However, if not, stay out of it. He was who he was when you married him. If the way he interacts with his kids in unacceptable to you, you should not have married him. Back off, love your husband for who he is, and stop worrying about how his non-custodial kids act.

Answer 2

Have a friend just like the 18 year daughter. She is 24 and still acting like a jerk. So why stay friend right, cause my real friend is her twin sister both 28. The problem is that the father left the family, mom getting a new boyfriend, the elder sister has move to Hong Kong to work, so basic is just the second sis with last sis. The 24 is behaving badly and whenever they talk, they fight. The problem is that i am a friend. Not the 28 second sis boyfriend. So i am not family. So i can't say alot. But you as the step mom need to be strong. Even if your husband said he "can't make her", you do it.
Freedom is free, respect is earn. If she can't show respect, tell her to pay everything by herself. Tell your husband to save the money that he is going to give her until graduation.
Because if she does not learn now, she might just get it on with a guy and be pregant and come living with you.

Answer 3

Laying down the law and making her do this or that is the wrong approach. You can ask someone to show respect but respect needs to be earned. Showing kindness and respect to his children is also required. Telling you husband to not speak negatively about his ex is a great start. There is still a lot of pain here it will take time and patience to heal.

Good luck and stay positive. It only take a moment of weakness to destroy it take time to heal.

Answer 4

my fiance's oldest daughter used to pull the same crap. when we first started dating she would call all the time just to say hello, and as she got older she only called for money. Well, I put my foot down. She's an adult now, and she has a job, I told him there is no more bank of Dad. We have are own bills as well, and we need the money to. So when her birthday comes he sends her a few bucks, but other then that he has finally explained enough is enough. Talk to your husband, and come to a solution soon before it's to late.

Answer 5

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do except talk to your husband and give him your advice. He and his kids will have to work out their own problems. Too many parents overcompensate their kids after a divorce and your relationship with him will suffer if you try to put a foot down on a subject that has precided you. Unfortunately your husband is right about not being able to make his child do anything, he is however not being a responsible parent by not stepping up and teaching her respect.

Good luck!

Answer 6

You should know kids need to learn the hard way. Some just have their minds made up on doing what they want to. It's good that your trying to teach your kid respect, but those are his kids. Some parents have to learn the hard way also. The daughter will come around some day but for now keep sending her cars and what not because she will come around in due time, and don't expect her to say thank you because she is still growing up . Best of Luck God Bless.....

Answer 7

I agree with you. These kids are old enough to make their own minds. They may hold grudges and that can affect some's lives. But they still need to learn dad isn't a money tree and you are not to be disrespected, you are his wife ands treat you as such with respect. If she is acting that way, why doesn't she get the money from her mom? She is probably living beyond her means, and used up her mom.
The son will come around. Dad doesn't need to speak badly of their mom, that will provoke them from wanting to see him.

Answer 8

well one way to get him to step up to the plate would be to let him know that you will have her show you respect, and if that takes getting her mad or upset so be it. children DO need to show respect to elders period! but from the sounds of it he has been letting her get away with it for a while and might be hard to bring her around. it may sound childish but maybe you could treat her with just as much respect that she gives you and her father. it might help her see that she will get no where acting the way she does. Good Luck!

Answer 9

I went threw a terrible divorce an raised my son from 5 yrs his sister stayed with her mother with little discipline.18 she moved in with us then went to collage. We had our problems.She always called me for help i was there even when out of the country , Send money need help.She gone know at 31 so please don't stop helping because of the mother or father dislike there missed when not there.I would give anything for a call from her. Best of luck.

Answer 10

ya blended families are the worst. I almost was in one myself but backed out. I couldn't handle the kids's disrespect! Ur case brings up old memories. Kids are just like that though with wanting and wanting and expecting. I know it is not right but that is how they are. He can show her how to act, but she is older and is set in her ways unfortunately. He cannot make her do anything he is right he cannot. Neither can you. Stay out of it is what i say. Focus on your own child. good luck to you.