Should I re-confront my rapist? Only this time in person?

Question

I was a victim of rape less than a year ago when I was 19 by my ex-boyrfriend, we had been having trouble due to the fact he was both emotionally and minorly physically abusive and I wanted to end the relationship. I had also been refusing to have sex with him. when we came home from University for Thanksgiving we were out with friends drinking, he was feeding me alcohol and later that night he raped me at my current boyfriends house. It really affected me, even though I tried to make myself forget it. My current boyrfriend when he found out (he's jelous of my past relationship) says maybe I wanted it. Which I really didn't. I have had denial, anger and I'm currently in a depression plauged by the memories and dreams.I tried to confront my Ex before online and he basically made me feel stupid, depressed & at fault. Saying he should have broke up with me earlier and he was sexually frustrated and he should have handled it different. I really want him to know how he hurt me.*re-question*

Answer 1

Well, first let me tell you that I know what you're going through. It's been exactly 10 years ago when I was raped and it still bothers me. You'll never get over it. The pain will fade though. I went through the same emotions and they are normal. You're depression will get so bad that you'll be suicidal. I was a cutter and carved things in my legs. The physicall scars are gone, but the mental ones will be there forever. What you need to do is put blame where it goes. He didn't FEED you alcohol. You took it. He didn't DRAG me downstairs, I followed him. However, what they did is still wrong. You taking the alcohol doesn't give him any reason to believe that what he did, you wanted! You should talk to a counselor or someone you trust. I didn't talk to anyone, due to feeling dirty everytime I thought about it, and quite frankly, I didn't want to think about it. I luckily moved away from him and it was easier after that, but I still have nightmares about the attack if I watch a movie and someone is getting raped in it.

To answer your question, no, don't confront him. He's worthless. Sexual frustration isn't an excuse. Go beat off or something. He will NEVER know how much he hurt you. There is no reason to even try to explain. Your silence is enough.

Answer 2

I would suggest not having any further contact with him. It was a variation of what is called, "date rape", when you are forced to have sex against your will with someone you have known intimately, as opposed to a stranger. It's not that much different than any other kind of rape, except that you know the rapist. He should have been prosecuted at the time. You should know that rape has nothing to do with sex. It's power that the rapist seeks, the power that he has over a helpless victim. The fact that he is an intimidating person, suggests to me that he has the potential to also be a wife beater or abuser of children. I would steer clear of him from now on. Why give him the satisfaction of knowing how he hurt you? That's counter-productive. The best way you can "hurt" him is by having the continuing relationship with your new boyfriend. However, you will have to convince him that this act of violence by your ex was definitely NOT your idea, and that you did NOT want it. Good luck!

Answer 3

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL!!!!!!!!
My ex husband raped me and to be truthful I have had so many problems trying to over come this. It happened 10 years ago and it still bothers me. What really gets me most is how it is forgotten by my ex. He still see our children and has never once said he was sorry in fact he acted like it never happened.I never sort help because I feared that no one will believe me. So nobody but myself and him know. I think for me it is not so much the rape but the fact he has never recognized what he did to me that really gets to me. I know if I confronted him he would call me mad say it did not happen even though he knows we both know it did. That is the one thing that stops me confronting him face to face because that would hurt more. though I have decided after reading this I will write him a letter and tell him how it has made me and how he hurt me at least he would have to read what i think , i guess that helps a bit. Sorry I am not much help but I wanted to let you know your not alone. You should try and get counseling that is one thing I am doing and it helps.
Best wishes xxx

Answer 4

OMG, I'm so sorry that happened to you. Please get help right away. Consult your doctor who can refer you to a counselor. Or call United Way's 2-1-1 to find a counselor. Even a crisis number can help you sort this out. You shouldn't have to go through this alone.

I would not confront him right now until you've had help. And I wouldn't do it alone as who knows what he might do to you.

Answer 5

No, move on. Why reopen old wounds. Seek counseling if you can't move past this, but you can't go back in life only move forward.

Answer 6

You want justice and revenge, naturally.

It probably won't make you feel better though.