Am i wrong for feeling this way??

Question

My fiance of 3 years had a vasectomy about 5 years ago after he already had 2 children. He didnt think he would meet anyone like me and now we want kids. He still doesnt regret getting it done. I want kids more than anything. We have been together long enough. I have alot of anger toward the fact he doesnt do anything he can to get the money for the reversal. He cn buy beer all the time and other pointless things but he doesnt save! i feel like since he has kids already thats its not as important to him as it is to me. Am i wrong for feeling this way? any advice? Why does it always have to ge the woman who desperatly wants kids? why not the guy?

Answer 1

That's a tough position to be in. Honestly, if it were me, I would get my life in order financially and such so that I could raise a child on my own if need be. Then I would find a sperm bank, get a donor, and call your Gyn for an insemination. I would do it by myself. I would also be upfront with my fiancee about what I was doing and why. I wouldn't blame him for his feelings but rather tell him my desire to be a mother.

Answer 2

Hi there,

You're in a tough situation and I feel for you. First of all, you are not wrong. You have every right to have kids.

Here's the thing though... kids are a joint project. The decision to have or not have kids needs to be made together. In having a vasectomy, your fiance has decided not to have kids (whether he met your or not). The fact that he isn't actively making plans to reverse it says that he really hasn't changed his mind. No matter how you slice it...if he REALLY wanted kids, he'd have a plan. Men do not procrastinate on things they want to do, only the things they don't.

This is a really heavy issue. It's not black or white. There are feelings and emotions here that should be considered. There's also a 3-year investment in a relationship that's not so easy to toss out the window. My suggestion is for you both to seek couples therapy. He needs to be heard and you need to be heard. And trust me, having a 3rd party involved will make you both accountable. No more having conversations that go nowhere...you'll both come to a conclusion in therapy. If he won't go, then you need to go alone. Let a therapist help you figure out your priorities and then you can decide what the best thing to do is for you. Whatever you do, don't go through with a marriage until you have reached a resolution that you can live with because marriage should be forever.

Good luck Sweetie.

Answer 3

He doesn't want any more children. I think he's made that VERY clear.

I understand you've been together for 3 years, but it's time to reconsider the relationship. He can't (or won't) give you what you want most - children. Vasectomy reversals are expensive and painful, and he'd be out of work for at least 5 days. Furthermore, they don't always work, so you could spend all that money for nothing.

That would leave you with invitro as an option. Also very expensive, emotionally trying and time consuming, and your risk for multiples would be very high. A young mother recently gave birth to sextuplets (after invitro) and 5 of the babies have already died.

So, this isn't as easy as flipping a switch. You need to talk to your fiance and decide if his unwillingness to have children is going to be a deal-breaker for you.

Answer 4

You're not wrong for feeling the way you feel.

But you are wrong because you think your fiance really wants more kids. And by his actions, it's pretty clear that he doesn't.

You have to make a decision: Do you want to marry HIM and
be satisfied that you will never have children, or do you want to have the courage to split up and go out and find someone that shares your goals and dreams of a family?

Because you cannot have it both ways with this guy. I promise you, if the money fell into his lap today he still would find a reason not to get the procedure done. Since you've been willing to wait 3 years so far, he's gambling that you'll continue to wait until "it's too late."

Answer 5

Well that isn't always the case but he didn't plan not to raise his other kids without being with their mom. He got that because he didn't want to put more children of not being raised by two parents. Yeah he doesn't want more kids, if he is sitting there drinking beer why would you want to have kids with him? Do you think a baby will change his behavior? Plus the chances of you getting pregnant with him getting a reversal are slim. Personally if you were my gf and she was telling me this I would tell her either forget about a baby or find a new man. Oh and you are engaged to this man? Why aren't you telling him how you feel and tell him to tell you honestly and that you wont get upset but that you deserve an honest answer. Good Luck

Answer 6

Maybe he really doesnt want it reversed but agrees with you to stop a fight from starting. Even with the reversal the odds are not great that it will work.

I understand how you feel. My children are the most important thing to me in my life, but if he isnt not making an effort to save the money it sounds as if he has no intention to do so. And if he continues with the careless attitude, im afraid it will destroy your relationship.

If it were me I would tell him how badly I want a child and if i saw no effort on his part id have to end the relationship. Or your gonna be a very bitter 50 year old woman someday that does not have any children.

Have you talked about using a donor? best of luck to you...

Answer 7

Honey, maybe he doesn't want or care to have kids. Have you actually sat down and talked to him. Actually told him how you feel and that you really, really want kids! That you really want him to get it reversed? If he says lets do it then you should make a plan TOGETHER! You might both have to sacrifice for this. If you both can't do it together and support one another this will just become an issue anyways. Not to mention not all reversals work just so you know. You might do this all to discover it was pointless. So sit down and talk with him, be gentle and kind and listen to him.

Answer 8

Sounds like you two aren't exactly in the same place on this. You need to talk to him about it, and find out if he REALLY does want more kids, or if he's happy with what he has and isn't interested in that reversal.

If he says he DOES want children with you, then you two need to sit down and budget the savings you need to get the procedure done. Either way, there needs to be more communication between the two of you.
Good luck!

Answer 9

When I read your story, I was blown away by how similar it was to a friend of mine. (2 children and had a reversal, got divorced, and the engaged again but did not want to have a reversal) She has been married now for one month and is already pregnant. Before my friend began to plan the wedding, she had to give her fiance the ultimatum: "get a reversal or we aren't getting married" He had the reversal and obviously, it worked. It is your life and if it is your dream to have your own children, you should marry someone who shares that same dream or you may regret it.

Answer 10

Seems like you should talk about this before you decide to get married. If you love him and want children, then he will have to get a reversal. If he is unwilling or doesn't have the money, or isn't motivated to get the money for a reversal, it seems like you may need to get a change in partner to have the kind of lifestyle you want. Love isn't the cure for everything, and no matter how much you two love each other, if he won't do this for you, or if you can't think of having a happy and fulfilled life without children of your own, then it's hopeless to continue this relationship.

Answer 11

Unfortunately this is not as uncommon as you would think. It is good to get this kind of issue up front and on the table NOW! Than you need to know what your priorities are. To me, that sounds like a family and he is clearly NOT willing to give you that.

Now might be the time to consider moving on and finding yourself a partner who is willing to be there with you, who is willing to create a family. Put your priorities in place, set your goals and act on them.

I have met way too many men out there who had also wanted kids, let the women set the priorities. Naturally those relationships eventually broke down and where they are in their late 40s, early 50s, thinking it would still be nice to have kids, but hey, they are getting too old to be taking that on now.

Don't let yourself become one of those people!