Life.-a poem by me?

Question

The snow falls quietly,
Leaving no imprint in snow
Yet our lives are wished
To live the same flow.

The snow melts midst
The air
Leaving craters
In the beauty and fair.

Anthony Ca*don 7/25/07

Yeah...I should have not used "snow" twice. How about this?

The snow falls quietly,
Leaving no imprint in white ground
Yet our lives are wished
To live the same flow.

The white frozen crystals melt midst
The air
Leaving craters
In the beauty and fair.

Exactly! That's what I meant! Snow does not imprint upon snow, but melted snow (rain) does! I wrote this in just 3 minutes without revision, so I should have to make it impressive. If I like it, I don't care what others think. I just want them to see it and digest what I have to say.

Answer 1

its nice but I don't like how you used the word snow twice. "The snow falls quietly,
Leaving no imprint in snow" !!

Answer 2

It's falling ever so quietly,
Leaving an imprint in the snow.
Yet my life is wishes away,
To live in another time years ago.

The snow melts gently,
The air cold and crisp true.
Leaving me bitter tonight,
With bitter thoughts of you.

1 thing: You don't have to like my poem, nor may you copy it, it's my own work. ~stormigrl~

Note for your poem:

If you write a poem that is four stanza's with 2 paragraph's in it, make sure the rhythm is perfect for eachother.

For instance:
Your poem goes like this:

The snow falls quietly,
Leaving no imprint in the snow
(My question here is: How did the snow not make an imprint and why did you choose snow 2x. Advice: You could have written something like:
It's falling ever so quietly,
Not leaving an imprint in the snow.
(then continues)
Yet our lives are wished,
To live the same flow
(Note: How is the snow falling? How does it not make an imprint? Why doesn't it make an imprint? Where are you? in this: If you are the snow then how are you falling? What are your feelings? -Brainstorm-

When Brainstorming you can in fact create an excellent piece.
For me brainstorming snow.

-snow
-melting
-snow ball
-snowman
-icicles
-children playing
-winter
-cold
-frost
-singing
-laughing
-cheering
-campfires
-skating
-skiing
-snowboarding etc etc.

Now you continue to shorten your poem alot at the end, when it should be your "Tah Dah" moment.

You wrote:
The snow melts midst
The air
Leaving craters
In the beauty and fair.

(now if this is 2 poems on one page it could be ok, but if this is with the first poem you should write it up the same as the first 4 stanza's at the beginning. You could make it interesting to let your last stanza to have something to do with the beginning stanza)

For Ex:
The snow melts midst (did you mean "The snow melts in the midst or mist? If you did either way, just write the whole thing out)
The air (What happened to the air, was it cold, crisp, strange?)
Leaving craters (What else did it do)
In the beauty and fair (I get the feeling that this last line was suppose to unite with Leaving craters and then you should have a continued last line)

Like only an example:
The snow melts in the midst
While I feel the very cold air
Leaving craters in the beauty,
Of life that is so tenderly fair.

(Ok I'm done: This is only my humble opinion and you wanted feedback)
poetic_muses of Starlite Cafe

Answer 3

Anthony...wrong attitude...you "should" care what others think! Your poems are supposed to "communicate", so if someone tells you that your communication is faulty, you need to at least listen to what they are telling you. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to tell someone their poem is not as good as they think? It's tough, trust me. Those of us who take the time to read poems on YA and offer comments on how to improve them, do so with the understanding that not all our comments will be well received. However, we hope that at least some of our comments will be taken to heart because we believe anyone who takes the time to at least attempt writing a poem deserves honesty and feedback. If you only write poems for yourself and don't care how others see them, then what's the point? You might as well stand up in a crowd and speak your mind, not caring what anyone may think about your opinion. If that's what you want, go for it, it's a free world. But it would be better if you could come down off the soapbox and "convince" or "show" people "why" you think the way you do, help them "see" the world the way you see it. "THAT" is what poetry is about...all else is vanity.

About your poem: whether you say "leaving no imprint on the snow" or "on the white ground" doesn't matter, they're both weak. I can sense what you were trying to convey, but you didn't quite get it across. You could say, "snow falls quietly, leaving no lasting impression on the ground" and it might have been closer to the concept you were trying to share. Continuing, "yet our lives are wished to live the same flow"...again, I see the concept, but it's not as clear as it could be...maybe "Yet we expect to live our lives like snow". What? Use "snow" twice? Isn't that "verboten!" actually, no, it's not. In this case it would actually be closer to what you were trying to say, and when you do that, it doesn't matter that the "rhyming word" is the same in the rhyming line of a stanza. Then, "The snow melts midst the air leaving craters in the beauty and fair." Again, I see your attempt, but it falls short. Not the concept, just the execution of the concept. You could have said,
"Melting into gentle rain
it tumbles through the air
Leaving tiny cratered holes
In what was once beautiful and fair"

So, with a little editing, the picture you had in your mind could be presented to your readers in such a way that they too saw the connections and have felt the awakening of understanding your perspective. But that will only happen if you "care" about what they think.

revise, care, listen, edit, post

...and keep writing

Answer 4

In my opinion, you went the wrong way with the change...snow doesn't imprint upon itself. Each layer looks the same.

"My steps fall quietly
Leaving no imprint in snow"

Answer 5

i like the first one as the poet is not to explain why he wrote what he wrote nor anylize his own writings . instead the poet writes and learns from what spark his writings ignited .

Answer 6

pretty nice keep up.

Answer 7

Please, don't quit your day job til you get much better.