Black Bird?

Question

The fear of failure
Yet shiver with sorrow
In the sight of success.
The bird flew
Past my sight into darkness
Only to
Return with more pain for all.
Pretended
To be loved, but only
Deliberately.
You told me to stay dead,
To stay dead,
'Till you left my side.
You would only
Love me
If I twisted these black wings
Upside down.
You would only
Love me
If I remained your puppet,
Your robot, your toy.
I am your reputation, your pride,
Your hope,
From the time I fell from
Your womb,
'Till the time I'll peer in
Your tomb.
You told me to stay dead,
To stay dead,
'Till you left my side.
I died after birth
And you lived.
Now I rise,
Now you bleed.
You feel me in your womb
Once again,
Tearing out your soul, your pride,
Your hope.
My wings spread
And I fly.
While your tears melt
And you die.
I am sorry,
Dear Mother,
I am not dead.
Please live
Please leave
Please find yourself.
You told me to stay dead,
To stay dead,
'Till you left my side.

You kept me safe
In a cage of Bars
You tried to heal
Me when I cracked open my skull
But you withdrew,
Fearing you would release me.
You told me to stay dead,
To stay dead,
'Till you left my side.
I won't stay dead.
I won't live for you.

I live for myself.
And so should you.

Anthony Ca*don 4/0*/07

Answer 1

wow, i really like this one! SO ORIGINAL!!! i was starting to lose hope that any of YA people who could actually rite poems had disappeared!!! you have given me new hope. wonderful job. KEEP WRITING!!!

Answer 2

This answer is actually Wallace Stevens' answer to Blackbirds.

Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird
by Wallace Stevens

I. 

Among twenty snowy mountains, 

The only moving thing 

Was the eye of the blackbird.

II. 

I was of three minds, 

Like a tree 
In which there are three blackbirds.

III. 

The blackbird whirled in the autumn winds. 

It was a small part of the pantomime.

IV. 

A man and a woman
Are one. 

A man and a woman and a blackbird 

Are one.

V.

I do not know which to prefer, 

The beauty of inflections 

Or the beauty of innuendoes, 

The blackbird whistling 

Or just after.

VI. 

Icicles filled the long window 

With barbaric glass. 

The shadow of the blackbird 

Crossed it, to and fro. 

The mood 

Traced in the shadow 

An indecipherable cause.

VII.

O thin men of Haddam, 

Why do you imagine golden birds?

Do you not see how the blackbird 
Walks around the feet 

Of the women about you?

VIII. 

I know noble accents 

And lucid, inescapable rhythms; 

But I know, too, 

That the blackbird is involved 
In what I know.

IX. 

When the blackbird flew out of sight,

It marked the edge

Of one of many circles.

X. 

At the sight of blackbirds 

Flying in a green light, 

Even the bawds of euphony 

Would cry out sharply.

XI. 

He rode over Connecticut 
In a glass coach.

Once, a fear pierced him, 

In that he mistook 

The shadow of his equipage

For blackbirds.

XII. 

The river is moving. 

The blackbird must be flying.

XIII. 

It was evening all afternoon.

It was snowing 

And it was going to snow. 

The blackbird sat 
In the cedar-limbs.


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Answer 3

Your poem had moments...it really did, especially the last few lines. However, you really need to tighten it up...and I suspect you know that. Try to look at your poem start to finish as dots between where you started and where you wanted to go. The dots that don't belong in that line need to go...I'd guess about a third of them, maybe a little less. You also don't have to make the lines so short...try reading them out loud and pause slightly at each line break...if you can, record yourself and then play it back...or, have someone read it to you out loud with those same rules. I think you'll hear how "choppy" it sounds better if you actually "hear" it. I sense you have a good ear, so try to use it to tighten it up.

Otherwise, you have some very good images in there, but they're cut and spread...you can fix that, I'm certain of it.

Edit, review, edit and post again. I'd love to see the revision.

Answer 4

Very descriptive. I'll admit, sometimes I start reading a poem and it bores me so I go on to the next one. This one kept my attention all the way through to the end. It says so much with so much conviction. Could be a song as well. Very nice.

Answer 5

This is outstanding! It keeps calling me back for another look. That's what a poem is supposed to do, like a good painting or photograph.