My boyfriend has decided to join the Navy.?

Question

This is sort of out of the blue but he's definitely made up his mind.

The thing is... he's mentioned seperating when he leaves because he thinks it would be too much of a strain on our relationship to be apart for so long.

We've been together for four years now and I'd like to think our relationship is a solid one, but apparantly he doesn't think as I do.

I'd just like to hear from anyone else that has loved ones in the military. Should we break it off or try to stay together? Also, would trying to stay in touch with me while hiding the fact that he's gay screw up his chances with the whole "don't ask, don't tell" BS?

Like I said, then is all kind of sudden and I'm still a bit dumbfounded by the whole thing.

High School Sweetheart? I'm 26 and he's 25.

I haven't put any pressure on him at all. I told him I'd support him, but yeah, I don't want to just throw away the last four years without even trying unless someone who actually has experience in this matter knows different.

God Buck, get a ****ing clue.

Bartione:

1. Not at all. I can't believe he'd ever do that.

2. Yes we have been. Yes he'd come back on leave.

3. He's been having trouble finding a job this past year and I've been supporting him. I think he's felt guilty about me paying all his bills. He has mentioned that he can't seem to find a greater direction in life.

4. No, he just honestly wants to join. It's always been an option in his mind, but he's never seriously discussed it until lately.

Answer 1

I'm a Navy wife and I can tell you anything you want to know about Military life, but your situation is a different then most. Unfortunately, you would never have the benefit that Military spouses have, so say if your boyfriend is stationed overseas, you won't be able to move with him. And though I think it sucks we still live in world where people can't just accept people for who they are, there is the "Don't ask, Don't Tell" policy in the Military and it's going to be very difficult to have an open relationship with your boyfriend if he decided to join the Navy. I'm well aware that there are more gay people in the Military then most people think, but they don't get to be open about that part of their life.
I just know that Military life isn't easy for a "Straight" couple, so it I would imagine it's even harder for a gay couple. I've been married to my husband for nine years and we have a wonderful marriage, but there have been times when I have been away for him months and months at a time. He even missed the birth of our first child because he was on a deployment. But as a Military spouse, I have the luxury of moving with over him when he gets orders overseas, and the Navy pays for housing, medical, and for the kids and I to fly here. ( Like now we live in Italy ) You're not going to have those benefits and it's going to strain your relationship when you're apart for months, even years at a time. A normal overseas duty station is two to three years, and many people in the Navy take duty stations overseas to avoid going to ships in the States.
I'm not trying to talk you out of anything, and like I said, your situation is different then mine. But I think it's going to be very difficult for you to make this relationship work with him going in the Navy.
Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

Answer 2

This is really difficult, because there are so many questions that need to be addressed. I'll just lay them out here, and you see if any of this provides any help:

1. Is he wanting to break up because he doesn't want to be sexually restricted? If this is the case, can your relationship withstand sex occurring outside your relationship?

2. Have you guys been living together? (If so, it indicates a greater investment in sharing your lives together.) If so, does he want to come back home to you when he's on leave, or does he want to go elsewhere?

3. What problem is joining the navy designed to solve? In other words, how did he arrive at this decision, and were relationship issues some of the matters that led him to want to go away to sea?

4. How aware are you and he of your internalized homophobia? It takes a lot for an out-of-the-closet gay man to enter a subculture where being open can lead to immediate loss of job, housing, income, and educational opportunities. Is there an effort on his part to put sexuality aside rather than have take its place as a part of a normal, healthy male?

5. Are you missing anything that you might have done to help this come about? (I'm not trying to blame you, but if you haven't thought about it, it may be worth exploring.) Sudden decisions such as this suggest a limited communication pattern within the relationship, and it may be worthwhile to examine what you and he each do to keep your thoughts and feelings more secret than you may realize.

Good luck!

- {♂♂} - {♂♀} - {♀♀} -

Answer 3

Maybe joining the armed forces is something that he feels he needs to do. Kudos for supporting him. I understand where he's coming from, but I don't agree with him. If your relationship is good and strong, there is no reason it can't hold up long distance. If he insists on it though, there really isn't much you can do, except hold on to the memories and start looking for someone else. I hope this is not the case.

Answer 4

Hello,

Lots of families have to separate because of service committment, I did. I was USAF for 10 years, I met my husand in the service and we began dating - three years later we got assigned to different bases......it was hard, it was not fun, and we did not reallyhave the same outlets for our emotions as straight couples....it isn't like he could complain to his first sergeant that he missed his lover! :-)

However, we managed to get back to the same base and we are working on our 17th year as a 'married' couple.

If you are both committed, if you both communicate it can work just fine. However if your relationship is not a strong one it simply cannot survive this test. Also only one of you are joining the service - with us both were in and that seemed to help us out - we really understood what the other person was risking and what they were going through. See when he moves away for training you will miss him, but your life is basically the same, he however misses EVERYONE and his life is changed dramatically.

Answer 5

I dont have a boyfriend in the Navy but it sounds unfair to me that you break your relationship off because of that.Four years together that's something.Try your best to stay with him and if he really want you to stop seing each other try to do so.Good luck my friend

Answer 6

military relationships are pretty hard to keep going. I was stationed in Korea for a year and virtually everyone over there was unable to keep their relationships back home on track. many got divorces. as hard as it is to think about it may just be time to move on(ouch! sorry I said it that way!)

Answer 7

I think he is dumping you. It's kind of an extreme way of doing it, but that is my opinion. Write back and forth and see what happens. I wish you both luck.

Answer 8

I think he wants to go out and play his fantasies and your being left behind...