Question for the divorced folks out there?

Question

i was married and my wife left after some really emotional issues. Too many to go into. She was very insecure and I'll leave it at that. Paranoid to the point where i was accused of everything and didn't do anything by the way. It was just how she perceived every situation. Like working 10 minutes later meant I was with someone else at the office instead of actually working. It was difficult living that way. Problem is this. Everyone says move on and start dating. I did. I moved on. Started dating. Everytime i get close to a woman or things get even the slightest bit physical, i think of my wife. she's the only one i wanted but I can't change her. I'm having a hard time moving on. I loved her a lot. I just couldn't change her paranoia or her negative perceptions. it was exhausting but i loved her. I know because i was married before her and that divorce didn't affect me that bad. with her, it does. I really love her. How do I move on? All the regular advice isn't working. I haven’t heard from her in 3 months. She moved out and cut up some pictures of us and left them around for me to find after she moved out. I’m trying to figure out if that’s a sign that she hates me or that she’s angry I haven’t tried to get her back. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to make a mistake of trying to get her back when she doesn’t want it when I should just continue to move on. I don’t know how to read what she’s telling me by doing these things. Any advice?

Answer 1

If you haven't heard from her in 3 months, she has moved on. You need to do the same. Accept the fact that it's over, and move on in your life! Good Luck!!

Answer 2

I have two different perspectives on this one!

1. You really do sound like you loved and still love your wife...... question is..... is that love unconditional enough for you to overlook her insecurities and love her through them? If so, then maybe there is hope for a reconciliation...... after some much needed communication and possibly even couples therapy! If you would say that you honestly can not imagine your life without her in it then if she is willing try to work things out.

2. If you can not reconcile your marriage..... go in to each new relationship with an open mind. How can a new lady ask you to give her your heart if in fact it is held by someone else. No woman ever wants to feel second best to an old relationship and this could cause some serious issues in the long term! Time, distance and a new outlook just may be what you need to move on with your life happily!

Good Luck!

Good Luck!

Answer 3

First you have to really convince yourself that there was no choice but to move on. Play a broken record in your mind every time you think of it. And then you have to go through a process similar to grieving over a death, and in a way, this is a death... death of a relationship. The first step is to accept the situation. This is harder than a death because you keep thinking you can change things. Still it must be done if you want to move on. One always has a hard time accepting facts where there has been a strong emotional bonding and commitment. The next step is anger. It is not wrong to be angry. You have to experience this to get past it. When someone dies you get over the anger fast because you realize it is not rational. In this case you can use the anger… stoke it up to help you move on. And you can use it to move on to other things. Get involved with other people. Be busy for a while. You can use all of this to help you move on. This can be a real growth period. Luck

Answer 4

Going back with her would be a huge mistake. It doesn't sound like she wants you back, but even if she did, things would go back to the same old crap.

I had an ex. She pulled similar crap on me. (yes, too many issuses to get into) I loved her too, dispite what she did. yes, it is exhausting to try to hold down a relationship with someone like that. You will realize in time that the best thing that ever happened to you was her leaving, as dispite comon sense would had dictated you to leave long ago, but you didn't out of love and devotion.

It took me months to feel comfortable in seeing other women in situations that could lead to intimacy. Time makes this easier.

About a year after she walked out on me, an opportunity opened up where i could had taken her back. i looked at it open-mindedly and spent time with her over the course of about 2 weeks. having been away from her helped me to see that she had not changed and probably never would. taking her back would only lead to me suffering from her parinoia's and insecurities. I had to make a very difficult desision and told her no. I had suffered enough with her ways, and had grown to realize i deserved better.

Rememeber...love is blind. Stay away from her. the longer you do, the more sense will soak into your head...and the easier it will be to find someone who is more suited to and appreciates you.

If you have not already done so, file for divorce under the reason of abandonment. this can help you retain most of what you have, and possibly negate any claim for alimony. If you had children, get custody of them if you haven't already got them. Many good women find a man who has taken responibility for his children over a bad spouse and/or mother quite attractive. These are the first steps you need to take in moving on.

Things are tough right now, but hang in there. You will see the light at the end of the tunnle eventually

I hope you find my experiences enlightening.

Cheers :-)

Answer 5

This is a tough one, I have been living with a similar situation for almost 12 years. I loved my husband, we separated when I was pregnant with our first son, divorced right after his birth, I read his signals wrong and ended up with a second son 3 years later.
I thought that things had changed and they had not, I slept with him once after the divorce, I thought things were great that we were reconciling I could not have been more wrong. Now the boys are 9 & 12, I raise them alone and still have to see the man that I love but can not be with every other week so he can do "his duty" of taking them just overnite (not even 24 hours in 2 weeks). Thru all this, part of me still loves him but I will NEVER tell him.
My point is this: you may love her, but she is playing you like a fiddle. Move on now, before its too late.
I only tell you this because I do care.

Answer 6

I'm sort of going through the same thing my husband is accusing me of sleep around all the, I know how hard it can be when they never seam to believe that you aren't, I think that by ripping up the photos is just a sign of anger, and that by accusing you is coming from her own insecurities, it can be very painful when a relationship breaks down,
call her and see if she would like to get together for a coffee or something,
if she doesn't want you back then it is just one day at a time,
they say that time heals all wounds

Answer 7

It sounds like you hurt her pretty bad. You cant change that. Could you have or can you give her what she needs to trust you again. Total commitment, losing your privacy, having her look into your life with a fine tooth comb if she wants to.

I think that maybe she hates you, i mean really hates you for what you have done not actually hates you as a person. Love and hate at the same time can make you act out in pretty dumb ways but she has the 2 most strongest emotions playing at her and she also has pain so that is the 3 most strongest emotions playing at her at the same time.

Unless she could know without a doubt she could trust you then move on if your not a willing participant.

Answer 8

Don't push yourself to move on right now. When you are ready to date, you'll know the time is right. Some people are ready to move on after a divorce much sooner then others. We're all different.
I was in marriage that ended in divorce. Mine ended because he was physically abusive to me and I simply refused to stay married to someone that abused me. But just because I'm the one who walked out on the marriage and filed for divorce, it was still very difficult. I missed him and I loved him. I wasn't ready to date for a long time, and even wondered if I would ever be ready. Well, I eventually was and I ended up meeting and marrying the love of my life and I'm happier then I ever dreamed I could be.
It's not your fault that your ex was the way she was during your marriage, and it's not your fault you still love her. Give yourself time to heal and you'll be ready soon enough to get back in the dating world. And no doubt you'll find someone who you can happily share your life with.

Answer 9

Your Ex has some very serious mental problems to say and do the things she did. You need to realize that she is incapable of real love and that it would never have worked between you. It is not easy to be rejected when you did nothing but love that person, but you must move on. Why not just live without women for awhile and do some healing? Good luck....

Answer 10

Each person moves on in their own way. It's so much harder when you still have intense feelings for the person who left.

All I can say is that each day will be a little bit better. It may take months, but you'll pull through this and someday you'll find someone who will make you happy. But I hate to say it - don't go chasing after ghosts...

Best of luck!

Answer 11

Be a man.
Value yourself.
Remember all the emotional issues, the insecurities and paranoia. Do not let this woman sweat you. Work on yourself. Maybe get therapy. Step you game up your game and attract a better quality of woman. Do the work. Charge her to the game and move on.