Unsupportive Husband?

Question

I recently asked a question about being absolutely exhausted during my pregnancy (I'm 26 weeks gone) and had some great answers - thanks for that.
I talked to my husband about it last night cos I'm not anaemic so the tiredness is here to stay for a while at least (if I was anaemic I could have had iron tablets and maybe felt better).
When I suggested to him that he helped me more, with things like cooking and cleaning and walking the dogs, he got huffy and said that he was working full time too and he was also tired. I tried to explain that although I appreciated he was tired too, I'm pregnant and finding it increasingly difficult to manage.
When I mentioned to him that I was finding myself short of breath when climbing the stairs, he started going on about how short of breath he used to get as a child (he had childhood asthma) and how I didn't know what it was like to not be able to walk to the toilet.

He was so excited about becomming a father, and I now feel like he diesn't want the baby at all if it means he has to do more around the house.
Last week, he went out witht he lads and didn't come home until 4am but didn't let me know he was going to be late (I expected him around 11pm) yet when I did that before I was pregnant he went mad.
I am at my wits end, cos I'm feeling bad enough at the moment with this dreadful exhaustion, but I need him there to help me and he wont.

Please help!!!

First 2 people who answered:
You are both right. He is behaving like a child. I am going back to see my GP this afternoon and he is going to play golf instead of coming with me. When I told him about my blood results (not being anaemic) he wasn't even listening to me, he was watching tv.

Answer 1

You poor thing. i do wonder if your man is going through a bit of a crisis/panic phase as he is going to become a Dad and this can stir up some crazy emotions in both men and women. Women find usually they accept the pregnancy easier as ultimately its us who have to carry the baby etc...but what you said about him going out til really early in the morning sounds like a man who is maybe trying to prove to the lads (and himself) that being a Dad wont change him or his lifestyle. Lets face it we all hear stories of how having a baby is the end of our social lives, we can never go out, always too tired for sex....do you think maybe some of his male counter parts have been putting these kind of thoughts into his head? How many of his good mates are Dads? Im not defending him (I had problems for the first 4 months of my pregnancy with my man...who is nicely settled again now) so i know how you feel. Im just wondering if theres more going on in his head than he's letting onto you. I hope you get it sorted out hunni. Goodluck x x

Answer 2

You need to have him go to your doctors with you and let your doctor explain to him what your body is going through and how the help would be good for you. Although you can still do things around the house, you still need help so you don't strain yourself (like walking the dogs should be his job). See if you can't make a list with him of stuff you will do and stuff he will do and set one day a week for the both of you to get it all done. Me and my boyfriend did that and it works great. Every sunday is cleaning day (and it doesn't take all day). But i do the dishes, he puts away...i sweep the floor, he mops it..i vaccuum and dust and he cleans the bathroom (because i cannot use cleaning products). It works wonderfully! Try something like that and see if he's will to go half with you. If not then you may need to scare him a little and threaten that you can't continue to live like that....tell him he may be tired from working but does he think that once the baby is here he's gonna be "off duty" once he gets home from work....uh NO...a parent's job is never done, he can't come home and be lazy once the baby is there, so let him know that and to have him practice having some energy after work now and helping you. Let him know once you have the baby you'll eventually return to normal and be able to do more, but right now you need your rest.

Good luck.

Answer 3

oh hun, its hard enough being pregnant without the added pressure of an unsupportive loved one. Im quite lucky, my hubby will do anything i ask him but i did get very upset with him last night as i dont feel i should have to ask him to do stuff around the house.He works full time and i stay at home with my 2 girls, 5 and 2. I do see the house as my responsability and i like to keep it tidy but i expect a little more help at the weekends and when im not feeling very good, which like you is quite a bit at the mo.If im having a rough day, nothing gets done so i end up having twice the work to do the next day. Anyway, after having a talk with him and saying that i dont want to nag him to do stuff, he did 2 hours of ironing (and put it all away).So i think he finally gets the message.You need to try to talk to him again as its not on and he needs to realise that carrying a baby is a lot harder than he obviously thinks. Hope it all works out for you hun, good luck xx

Answer 4

I think to a point... all men might go through this phase.

Is it your first child together?

I went through something similar in the beginning. My husband works full time... so I actually get to enjoy my pregnancy and take very good care of myself. I'm very lucky. The more I explained how tired I would get from doing near nothing... the more he thought I was just being a whiney pregnant lady. But when he actually sits down to think about it. I know he knows I'm telling the truth. Give him a bit of time. Continue to ask him to do small things to help you out around the place. He may yet come around. I think patience is a big thing with men... especially when big changes in how they live their lives are coming their way.

If yours is anything like mine... he's a creature of comfort. Doesn't like anyone to break his little bubble. I would be patient... and do what you can around the house without over exerting yourself. If he has a problem with you not doing something... then he should step up and do it.

Answer 5

i am so sorry that you are going through this right now esspecially with everything else happening.now i dont mean to sound cruel or harsh thats not my intentions but just to give you my point of view.To me your husband sounds like a very selfish man.god forbid if he has to lift a finger and do what he calls womans work.Well if he had any love and respect for not only you but the welfare of your unborn baby it wouldnt matter what he had to do to help.I always said if the man had to carry a baby and deliver one there would never be a number 2 lol.a man can never truly understand what a woman goes through but he should be considerant and loving enough.as far as him working i full time job and being tired i can understand that but he wasnt tired enough to go out with his buddies and roll in at 4 am if he was too conserned he would have stayed home and helped you clean the house and what not.You think its bad now wait till you have the baby and i bet he wont lift a finger to change a diaper or fetch a bottle.You said he was happy when you told him you were pregnant well he needs to start acting like it and a dad instead of a selfish fool.Right now you need all the help you can get and honestly if he cant start pitching in and helping what do you need him for other then financial support your basically a single mom doing it all yourself.if it was me i would let everything go let the house get dusty,let the dishes stay in the sink,let his dirty underwear pile up in the laundry basket.And when he starts ranting and raving about the disarray you tell him to get off his dead *** and start helping and he will have clean drawers.Dont take this crap hon the more you let him get away with the more he will push your buttons.Right now your main concern is you and the baby and if your feeling bad and tired then the baby is to the housework can wait thats unimportant right now.My only other suggestion is to sit down and have a heart to heart with him and air everything out both of you.I wish you the best of luck

Answer 6

Lots of men go through this because they are stressed about the baby, and the fear of what will happen when they are not your sole focus anymore.

Give him time and see what happens after the baby. He might come around.

I have a wonderful husband, but there were times that I felt that he was a little unsupportive and unsympathetic. As your pregnancy progresses, though, and you get bigger and bigger, you'll see a change in him, I know I did. Now every day, I truly feel that he wants to help and he's excited about baby.

Of course, I'm still waiting on him like our house is a restaurant, though. I guess he's just soaking up all of my "care" because he knows that it won't be around when the baby comes.

Answer 7

While I agree that your husband is being selfish, I can't believe there are people suggesting you should leave him.

Geez, can marriage be dissolved that quickly??

This is what for better or for worse means. It means that you married someone who is not perfect. Throughout your marriage you will see some unpleasant things in the person and your job is help them become a better person NOT say good-bye and leave them on their own.

When is the last time you sat down and let your husband talk and/or "gripe" about his job? Have you let him talk about any worries or concerns or fears he has in becoming a father?

Sure he was excited at first, but understand that reality has now set it, and right now he doesn't have a baby to hold but instead a pregnancy wife who's tired all of the time.

I'm not saying you don't have a right to be tired. I've been pregnant 3 times before and my husband has to hear a lot about my aches and pains. But remember there are two sides to every story. Pregnancy can be very hard on BOTH husband and wife. You need to make sure you're being very supportive of him before you start pointing the finger.

Him pulling that stunt of staying out till 4 a.m. was basically his way of saying "I'm going out to relax on my own and get away from the pressure at home." It was totally wrong of him to stay out that late and not tell you (my husband has done this before) and I would have been upset just like you. In fact I LOCKED him out of the house the next time he did it.

But also realize that is another "cry for help." Understand why he's feeling so pressured and talk to him about it. Husband and wife are supposed to help bear each other's burdens. Your burden is the pregnancy. His is responsibility for you and the baby.

You both need to sit down and have another talk. Maybe you could make a date. Ask him a place he'd enjoying going to - maybe a nice restaurant - where you could have a good chat in a relaxed atmostphere.

All the best to you both. I pray you will meet in the middle and make this work for your sakes and the sake of your precious little one.

Oh, and don't forget to PRAY for your husband!

Answer 8

I've been there. The whole time I was pregnant with our twins my husband was out fishing, drinking, playing pool, and golfing. I took care of the household chores and he rarely went to the doctor with me. I had to go pretty often because I was a high risk pregnancy. It wasn't easy, but I tried to make the best out of the situation. Things have changed somewhat. He still goes fishing and helps our somewhat around the house. He cleaned the toilet and our shower for the first time in four years last week!! Our children are mostly my responsibility, but I wouldn't have that any other way. Good luck, you have a tough road ahead of you, but you will make it!!

Answer 9

Unfortunately I think his attitude is here to stay .... you will not only soon have a young baby to deal with but also a very childish man.... begs the question to me as to whether he wants all the benefits of a child without no responsibilities. You are in serious water here because once the baby arrives you will feel tired and exhausted and what will happen is you will get more angry internally with your husband and eventually you will snap ...... can you confide in your mother in law or anyone on his side of the family .... maybe if they had a word then he would take note...... My husband was like yours and within time I had just about had enough and we split up.... if your marriage is worth saving then he must see sense sooner rather than later.....
Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy

Answer 10

listen hun, if he is unsupportive now, can you imagine what he wil be like when the baby does actually arrive..he is bang out of order putting so much on you while you are pregnant, and also the stress of you worrying about it is unhealthy for both you and your unborn child!!?? Has he thought about that?

If I were you(...and yeah I know I am not), I would simply refuse to do the things that he expects of me...I would do only the things necessary for my immediate health.
Let him make his own tea? Let him walk the dogs himself? You still having sex with him? I would even make him do that himself, show him what it feels like when someone who is supposed to love you becomes selfish.
Still not taking any of the responsibilities? Then leave him!!! If he he is expecting you to act like a single parent then you may as well be one...less arguments that way anyway!...and you can tell him from me he is an idle f***er