Are you tired of being a drama queen tonight?

Question

I am.....

Got a joke to share?

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Answer 1

Never! *faints with a hand to the forehead* Ahhh.....

Ok here's my favorite joke:

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God". and finally...

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

Answer 2

I missed something while I did a few chores, and I am too tired to back track your antics or pull off anything witty. What did you guys do? Not another real raid so soon? Sure, the old gal mucks [for green horns, pitch forks manure, while you kids play.] I thought the party was over when I stepped out. I guess this is only funny to me, but some city folks are asking if we mind if they come and get some manure for their gardens, especially roses. I allowed as since they were such great folks, I could spare some. Nah, not even funny to me.

Edit: I am under Jack? The plot thickens.

Answer 3

New Confessional



An elderly priest was speaking to a younger priest. "It was a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. Now, the front of the church always fills up first."

The young priest nodded and the old priest continued, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n' roll gospel choir. Now, our services are consistently packed to the balcony."

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth." "All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the "Drive Thru Confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "My confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!" "Yes," replied the elderly priest, and I appreciate that. BUT.... The flashing neon sign,
'Toot 'n Tell, or Go to Hell,' cannot stay on the church roof."


Just got that one today!! (((Bella)))

Answer 4

A man walks into a bar feeling very down and depressed..

The bartender seeing his sadness decides to talk with him..

"Hey Buddy" the bartender begins "What's got you so down?"

The Patron replies "I lost my job today, the mortgage is due and when my wife finds out she is going to leave me."

With a twinkle in his eye the bartender pulls a small wooden crate from under the bar... WIth a flourish he opens the box and inside is a miniature piano and a little man in a perfect miniature tuxedo.. The little man takes a bow and steps to the piano and proceeds to play a beautiful sonata..

As the music ends the patron asks "Where did you get that?"

With a flourish the bartender pulls an old brass lamp from under the bar and explains a genie lives in the lamp.. Whoever rubs the lamp gets one wish...

Handing the lamp to the Patron the Bartender says "Give it a try you."

The Patron rubs the lamp and out comes a genie in a cloud of smoke...

"You have one wish." says the genie...

Without skipping a beat the Patron says "I wish for 1,000,000 bucks."

Suddenly on the wall at the end of the bar a small door opens and out march 1,000,000 ducks.. with a puff of smoke the genie reenters the lamp..

The Patron stares at the bartender for a moment and says "I asked for 1,000,000 bucks not 1,000,000 ducks.."

The bartender smiles and replies "Do you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

Addition: I find myself suddenly very excited with Jack under me ... Would it be inappropriate to put on my a**less chaps and yell "Yee Haw" while on top of him? :)

Edit: You got it Jack.... "YEEEEE HAAAAAAWWW" ride em cowgirl..


LOL Eagle..

Jack is a happy boy :)

Answer 5

But I haven't even started yet! Whaaaa!!!

Hmmm - I don't know any new jokes today- at least nothing comparable with last night's fun.

Answer 6

Me? A drama queen? Well, maybe a little...

Okay, I'm stealing this from someone else who posted it online:

"My great Aunt went to the doctor because she was having pain under her left breast. Turned out it was a trick knee."
-Phyllis Diller

Edit: Ah, Diane. "Reverse Cowgirl", please!

Answer 7

This one was passed on to me .... enjoy!

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Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. ...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied: "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said: "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" asked Bill.

God said: "I'm going to leave it up to you."

Bill said: "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell...

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God. "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"

"Fine" said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.

"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.

"Fine" retorted God, "as you desire".

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.

When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded, his voice full of anguish and disappointment: "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says: "That was the screen saver."

Answer 8

Today I felt like kissing your face! Instead I punched it!