My mother-in-law has bad hygiene. She always smells really really bad and doesn't brush her hair or bathe. I understand that she is on hard-core painkillers and just lays around her house. I feel repulsed when she touches my newborn's face and doesn't wash her hands...I can see the dirt . A friend suggested we get an in-home heath aide or something like that for her to help her clean herself (not sure if she physically can't or is just too doped up) and clean her house with is filthy. I would love to do it but am presently more than busy enough taking care of my kids (who get allergies everytrime we go over there from all the dust and animal dander.) We would visit more if it were a better situation and be more comfortable. She doesn't like leaving her house to visit us. Anyone else deal with a potentially offensive situation like this? How can we find out if she really needs someone to help her? The drugs she takes are for long-term problems...no end in sight. Please help.
2007-07-24 13:16:07 · 10 answers · asked by H 1 in Society & Culture ➔ Etiquette
Katy- I AM trying to help her, why else would I be asking.
My husband doesn't seem to think it is a problem, neither does her able-bodied son who lives rent free with her, or her boyfriend.She is only 50 which is why this is so difficult, she's not some old lady we can just put in a home. She thinks she's just fine the way she is, I'm pretty sure. But I know that being caring and loving is sometimes having to do something even when the person doesn't want it. I am looking into the at home care because nobody else seems to want to talk about it or do anything ( like It's none of my business, but it is now that my kids are going there) I guess if she won't accept the help and still can't bathe we'll have to take it from there. It's too easy to ignore what's going on if it's something we don't want to see, I think that's where her sons and boyfriend are. Plus, she'd get really mad, I'm sure, if they tried to change her life at all. *sigh* Thanks for the helpful advice!
2007-07-24 13:54:22 · update #1
if you and your kids are involved it is your business... sometimes its not just the drugs but depression as well... i have had several family members do this same thing... tough love is the only way... tell this woman flat -out that you will no longer visit until the house is clean.. she will be upset, but she still needs to hear this... if she decides to come visit at your house tell her she must bathe first and put on a clean outfit.. now this will get her even more upset.. people do not like personal things pointed out, usually they are in denial... so to make this part easier on yourself, go make a gift basket, put in a new simple outfit, a clean one, some scented bathsoaps shower gels, a new hairbrush , a nail grooming kit. etc. bath scrubbys...... inform her that your child is having allergic reactions to possible animal dander , dust, molds, and you have to quarentine the home enviornmant... its worht a try....
2007-07-25 04:21:41 · answer #1 · answered by im a goonie 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This may be way out on a limb...but I wonder if she'd be open to "helping" a girl scout troop win some badges???
Maybe there is one for community service or for cleaning!
I'd contact a scout troop leader and find out if a troop or gang of them might be able to decend on the house for a couple of hours at a time and make a dent, and EARN credit for doing so....and then you solve several problems with one call!
Just a thought.
Good Luck.
My sister had the same mother in law, only hers was 83 and diabetic, and spoke Swedish....only way she could swing it was to take all 3 kids with her and clean the place herself every Friday , and then grocery shop on the way home after fixing the inlaw's meals, which she cooked, and she....did it for 14 years and the dirt never hurt the kids, really, they played outside! Eventually she moved in with my Sis after the Dad in law died....none of her own children ever washed a single dish or ironed a single pillowcase for their mother EVER....but my sister, her daughter-in-law DID, and never received so much as a dime for her efforts,
not even a thank you from all the other kids in the family...oh!
And there were 7 brothers and one sister.
Can you imagine? Their own mother!
2007-07-24 14:40:17 · answer #2 · answered by susieque 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you have the luxury to worry about being polite. This woman stinks and is a health hazard. You need to be direct and explain to her the situation. Offer her the in-home health aide or whoever can help cleanse this poor woman. The worst thing you could do would be to allow poor grandma to continue to fester in her own filth. I am also sure whatever medicines she is on are having an effect on her mental state, so she probably has no idea there is anything wrong with her.
2007-07-24 13:23:40 · answer #3 · answered by Rckets 7 · 3⤊ 1⤋
Try getting everyone in the family to pitch in and help.. if you can afford to get someone (like a home health aide) then by all means, do it. As far as her touching your newborns face, you need to let her know ASAP that you're not comfortable with it. You dont want your child getting any type of sickness or infection due to someone elses' poor hygiene.. Good Luck :)
2007-07-24 13:25:02 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
It would seem that your mother in law is at a point where she needs to be in an assisted living home. Once someone has reached the point of bad hygiene with their home and themselves it's a downward spiral. Your husband has to begin to look into a home for her and filing for Title 19. Once someone goes into a home, they take everything that person owns to help pay for them. Title 19 helps to make sure that happens and protect other family members from having to be responsible. She needs this help right away. Her situation isn't going to improve and everyone would feel better to visit when she is in a clean, managed environment.
2007-07-24 13:27:04 · answer #5 · answered by dawnb 7 · 1⤊ 2⤋
i understand that you are trying to raise your kids but its very sad to me that you cant seem to think you have the time to help your grandma, It does not take all that long to call social services and see if you can arrange for a home health aid to come into her home. In fact if she is that dirty as you say, she need to prob be in a nursing home where someone can care for her. Its sad that she is let to live in filth and such. Please take the time to call someone to help her. Have you talked to her, asked her if she needs assistance? This may not work as she may just be definsive but if what you say is correct, YES she does need some help, if you are not able to give it to her please please get it for her so some one else can come in and help.
2007-07-24 13:25:28 · answer #6 · answered by Katy 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
i know you dont want to be mean, but just casually be like 'hey, can you wash your hands' and i mean, it's pretty tought but just try to tell her a little at a time, or tell someone that's closer to her than you to just lay it on her, and tell her the truth. what's more important... your child sick and dirty or your mother-in-law opening her eyes for the first time?
GoOdLuCk
2007-07-24 13:22:20 · answer #7 · answered by ?Ella-Marie? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get everyone in the family to "chip-in" for a housecleaner for her. Then start setting up hair appointment for her to go to. Make that your one thing you can help her with personally. Pick her up and take her to her hair appointment. Sometimes once a person gets out of the filthy situation it helps their overall feeling about themselves. Perhaps she is just in a rut...need to help her get out of it.
2007-07-24 13:20:32 · answer #8 · answered by daff73 5 · 6⤊ 1⤋
Tell your children to say "grandma you stink". She would be so embarrassed that she had to clean herself up.
2007-07-24 19:46:31 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋
Get outside help like you said!!!!
2007-07-24 13:49:06 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋