Would you eventually tell your child he/she was adopted at birth?

Question

My husband and I are talking about this issue, and we don't agree. Long story short: I was date raped, conceived a child, and the Sperm Donor split. My hubby & I had been best friends for 5 years. Friendship made way to a wonderful love. He married us when baby was 1.5 years old. Only papa she's ever known. Couldn't ask for a better man in our lives. He thinks we should eventually tell her. He says the person that tells the story, owns it. He think it could be a celebration for our family. I don't agree. I don't want to have to tell her details that could hurt her. I don't want her to wonder about Sperm Donor. Our family is great the way it is. What do you think?

How can I possibly tell her and not include that she was conceived from a rape? She will wonder where he is. She will wonder why he isn't in my life. She will wonder why I don't want him in her life. I feel like it opens a can of worms. Pandora's box. It's not as simple as "Daddy isn't your biological father." It opens an endless box of "Whys?" into her life. Don't you think it's naive to say "Tell her, just don't tell her details." This conversation BEGS for details, no? I ask this b/c hubby has a similar point of view. Thoughts?

akleba: thanks for sharing your testimony.

SpermDonor doesn't have any rights. Gladly jumped to sign them away first chance he had. So I don't really buy the "don't deny him his fatherly rights" stuff.

Your story touched me. You're brave.

spelling nazi: I can't believe you actually said that. I had to read it twice. I wasn't aware such ignorance existed. I'm sad for you. Hopefully you will never have to experience how real date rape is.

Answer 1

What about telling her that the sperm donor wasn't a nice man? You don't have to mention the rape. Just say he wasn't a nice man, he hurt you and he left, but she has a daddy who loves her and got to chose her.

I don't know how old your daughter is, but I'd tell her her daddy got to pick her, but she came from your tummy. Do this before she starts school (or ASAP). What if someone slips someday? Or what if she doesn't look anything like him and asks? What if you have other kids someday? Does she have his last name? If not, she'll wonder even more.

An old family friend I'll call Kathy (to protect her privacy) had a relationship with a guy who isn't good (to put it mildly!!!), and took off when she got pregnant with "Stephanie". She met a guy I'll call Ralph, and they got married. He was in Stephanie's life since she was about two months old. From the time she was about three or four, she knew Ralph "chose to be her daddy" but wasn't told the full details until she was about 13. Ralph and Kathy eventually had another daughter, "Amy," and he treats both girls the same. Stephanie's in college and happy and has no desire to meet her sperm donor since she has his medical history and a daddy who loves her.

Answer 2

Well first off, I cant say I know how you feel, but from my point of view, if this had ever happened to me, I feel that when she is old enough to understand, and you will know when that will be, then you set her down and tell her that their is something you want to talk to her about and make sure because it was a date rape don't mean you love her any less, it just made the bond that much stronger, God intended for her to be on this earth for a reason and God seen fit for you to be the mother of this child! There is a reason for everything and why it happens, but just tell her that her any man can be a father but it takes a special man to be a daddy, and the daddy she has now God seen as the special man. Good luck.PS my dad adopted my oldest brother cuz my moms x wouldn't and never did have anything to do with him....and he is OK with it....better yet I wouldnt tell her it was a date rape at all! and if for some reason someones happens to mention something about it later in life, then explain to her about the date rape. but she should be told about the adoption. and that one who said in the other answers about there is no such a thing as date rape thats only cuz she probley just gives it up to anyone therefore she has no idea about date rape, she better becareful that may back fire on her and blow up in her face, let it happen to her or one of her kids or family members then she may understand!

Answer 3

LIFE has a way of bringing SKELTONS out of the closet at the most inconvenient times! IT would be better that she hear ANYTHING that could affect her life FROM YOU. IT IS REQUIRED that you tell her as soon, AS SOON as she is ABLE TO UNDERSTAND.

AT FIRST, I would not TELL HER ABOUT THE DATE RAPE. I would just tell her that her biological dad left and did not come back and you don't know where he is, IF THAT IS THE TRUTH! Then when she becomes dating age, I WOULD TELL HER about the date rape and HOW ESSENTIAL IT IS TO BE CAREFUL such as not leaving drinks (pop/soda) unattended, such as making sure SOMEONE ALWAYS KNOW where she has gone and with whom and I would tell her the reason I'm telling her was because of my own experience and not having been forewarned.
I would try to make her feel like I am a loving doting mother w/o being overbearing, make her feel you trust her. I would make her feel she can trust me as if I was her best girl friend when she needed one.

I THANK GOD FOR my mother, who is deceased because I, at 15, was told, by my gf/schoolmate's mom that if I didn't have sex by the time I was 16 I would go crazy. AT 15 my mom had been MY BEST FRIEND from the time I knew what a best friend was so naturally I asked her. She said she would ask our doctor rather than guess. She did ask him and it wasn't true. MY POINT is if you start early building this MOTHER/DAUGHTER AND THIS sometimes MOTHER-ALSOBESTFRIEND/DAUGHTER relationship, you will see how much she will appreciate you to the day she dies. Don't over due the best friend thing by doing things with her that is inappropiate for a mom, but is what teens and young people do ie as smoking pot with her, dressing like a teenagers etc cos you are mommy first and best friend next.

Anyway, those are my thoughts.

take care and GOOD LUCK, I hope you believe in GOD, it will make it all work out more smoothly.

be blessed

Answer 4

The only thing you have to tell her is that her biological father wasn't fit to be a daddy and instead, the wonderful father she has known her entire life wanted the role of daddy. I think she should start learning about it when she's Kindergarten aged. It's easier to grow into that way.

Again, you don't have to tell her details, just keep it basic. You don't have to share what happened. There are other reasons for her to know this, eventually she'll call you one day and ask if there is a history of cancer, cholesterol problems, etc. in her father's side of the family and you won't be able to answer that honestly.

One of my friends was raped quite a few years back, she told her son that his father couldn't be in his life because he was not a good man. He never really asked many questions about it. Come to find out, the guy that raped her is not the father, it was an ex-bf of hers (by 2-3 weeks so you can see where the thought would have come from) who happens to be in prison so....that actually worked out well if you will.

Answer 5

I read this question last night and gave this a lot of thought before I decided to answer it. Your daughter was not conceived in love, or a one-night stand, but in a very violent matter. Does she need to know she is the product of rape and change her entire identity? I don't think so at all! Your husband is her father in every sense of the word. In our world today biology has very little to do with parenting and the key word is parenting here. He has loved her, cared for her, and shown her great affection. He his her father. There is no concern down the road about medical information that you could not find out on the sly if you had to. Chances are so rare that you would ever have to. Your child is 5 now. Has your husband legally adopted her? If not I would think now is the time before she gets to any more understanding. But I really did put a ton of thought into this and really feel no child should know they are a product of rape. This could change her entire outlook on her life, her self-esteem, the way she chooses to look at you and your husband. Family is what matters and it appears to me that you have a good thing going. I really wish the man that raped you would have been put behind bars where he really belonged and I applaud you for going through with the pregnancy and being able to look past the rape and love this child. You are a very strong woman with a lot of wisdom. Please tell your husband for me I think that before you two decide to do anything to please consult a child psychologist on the matter at hand. There is little to gain and a lot to lose by telling her.

Answer 6

Sweet wonderful child untouched by vagaries of crime. Why would you ever inject into her life thoughts of worthlessness or culpability? She might think, "if my father was this way, I must be the same."

Sperm Donor was not a sperm donor. He was a rapist. A criminal. He'd be in jail today were circumstances different. Don't even think of him in any positive way. He belongs in prison, and again that beautiful, wonderful baby doesn't ever need to know about him.

Do you want her to go find him? To find his family? To form a relationship? I can guarantee that's exactly what will happen if you tell her. The only way to keep the cord completely cut between the rapist and the child is to deny either of them any knowledge of the other.

TX Mom
Debbie
Not a family counselor

Answer 7

i would tell her because she has a right to know. if you don't tell her it will come back and bite you in the butt. You never know how it could possibly be brought up but accidents happen. My mother told me about my sperm donor(funny, she has always called him that) when I was 8. Yes, I was interested about everything, but no i have never met him and i don't want to. Last year I had the chance to meet him at a family reunion because I am close friends with one of his cousins, but I chose not to because he was the one that took off on me. I know where he lives and curiousity sometimes gets me thinking about checking it out, but then I think, "why would I want to meet a man that said he was doing me a favor by leaving and never returning?". Maybe it's true, but that is the easy way out.
The same kind of thing happened with me and my first child and her father is in the area and says that he wants to meet her, but hasn't made one attempt to do so. I will wait it out and see if he even does anything, but if he wants to see her I really shouldn't deny his rights as a "father". She has a daddy that has been there for her since I was 2 months pregnant and she will NEVER know another man as daddy. I would not teach her that...he would be "uncle" or something. Dont' hold back because then you are lieing to her

Answer 8

I was a adopted child from back in the early 60's when you just didn't talk about things like that.
I found out through other family members when I was around 11 years old and it devastated me I always thought mom and dad were mom and dad,
but really it was mom but not my dad.
It did make me a little distant from them both after that,
because it was like that was a bomb shell what else could they have been keeping from me or lying about in my life.
I would explain to your child at a young age, I think 5 is most appropriate,
just tell the child that mommy and daddy ( meaning you two )were so lucky when daddy adopted you,
and that she is the love of your lives,
and wouldn't know what you would do without her,
Then give her big bear hugs and kisses and maybe a tickle or two.
Kids are not dumb, as her if any of her class mates have been adopted, or have two mommies or two daddies
( because of divorce ) or just one parent, then tell her how lucky she is because she has a mommy & daddy that both love her to death.
Good Luck.

Answer 9

I understand where you are coming from. As a mother, you want to protect your child from the terrible truth about what you went through. You have every right to not want to divulge that information and hurt her but your husband is also has a point in wanting her to know the truth because eventually it may come out. Just think long and hard about it and remember that it is the past, focus on the good that came from the situation which is your baby, your relationship with your husband and your family. She may wonder about her sperm donor, there's nothing wrong with that, because she knows who her mom and dad are and that is the two of you! Luckily, you have a while before she comes of age and you can then decide what is best, good luck!

Answer 10

Yes It is better to tell the child the truth, I have a cousin who found out in the middle of a family dispute at age 15, it shattered his life and he is still looking for his biological father 50 years later. Can I suggest that you contact a Date Rape support group, they can probably suggest some things that others have tried. The really important part is that your daughter knows that she is loved by both mum and Dad no matter what ..