My inlaws do not speak english..how can i make our realtionship work?

Question

My husband is vietnamise and pakistain. I am american. I never imagined I would marry out of my race, but I did and I see absolutely nothing wrong with this, nor does my family. I however can't say I feel the same way about his family. Mostly the pakistain side. My husband gets upset because I never try to get to know his side of the family very well, nor do I involve them in our sons life very much. He wants me to let his mother watch our son during the day while I work (which my mother does now) my major problem with it is 1. she doesn't speak english and never tried to learn although all her children speak fluently 2. they treat me like im an idiot around my child, always telling me he's too hot he shouldn't be wearing this or that, or i should be giving him this or that. Which honestly I don't appreciate. My family has done so much for me, my husband and our son...and his family has done nothing. They didn't even show up for the baby showers.

Answer 1

I think it is very easy for people to say you married him and not his family, but they don't understand the culture. I am East Indian, and my husband is African-American. My brother has also married outside of his race. I truly understand the cultural changes you are facing. Some suggestions I would like to propose:

First, you have to try accept and understand the culture. His parents are not trying to treat you like an idiot, nor are they trying to imply you are not a fit parent. I am 34 years old, and my mom still calls me daily (4 times yesterday) to remind me to do things. It drives me absolutely nuts!! But I realize this is how she is- she worries about me, and loves me, and wants me to have as perfect a life as possible. And they do the same thing when it comes to their grandchild. They always have suggestions, telling us we're doing this and that wrong. They know what they know; if you don't agree with them, you don't have to do what they say. After all, this is still your child. But it is very important you keep in mind they would never say or suggest anything they think would harm their grandchild. Everything they do/say is from love.

Secondly, I would love for my parents to teach my child another language. You son learns english from everyone else. I can't speak Punjabi, but wish I could. To be truthful, that is one of the reasons I'm glad my parents (who speak english fluently) speak in punjabi to their grandchild. There was a period of time my mom worked as a nanny. She would occassionally use punjabi words to speak with the children she cared for. The only problem the parents had, was the kids could speak without them knowing what was going on :) Learning another language, whatever it may be, especially at a young age (were it is easy for the child to learn and remember) is a wonderful blessing- and free for you!

I guarantee his family can feel the resentment you have towards them. If you don't try to improve the relationship- they won't. Again, it's cultural, and they are the elders. When you married him, you knew he was half pakistani. To truly respect your husband, it is important to respect where he is from, and his upbringing. That part of his family also influenced him to become the man you loved enough to marry and have a child with.

Regarding the baby showers, you complain they don't speak english, so why would they come to the shower? So they can be embarrassed in front of everyone? I think it is important to decide what you want- you can't complain about a desire to be involved (e.g., babysit) and then be upset when they don't get involved. And comparing families is only going to cause you frustration and hurt. You and your husband were not brought up the same way, so why would they act the same way now? He is a unique man who brings a different culture and flavour to your life. Appreciate it- if you don't, it will only cause you pain.

Answer 2

If you chose to not show respect for your husbands family it will only cause problems in your relationship with him,U should know its hard for older ppl to learn a new language,it could also be said that you are not trying to learn Urdu which would help with communication,but do you only it see if from one side? Why are you offended when they tell you hes to hot or shouldnt wear such and such,they do this out of love-I used to do the same when my sister had her baby and she got mad too,seems you are high strung or something just calm down-they are your in laws and you can improve your relationship with them and yur husband by showing them patience and respect-and never insult your husbands family this would be very hurtful to your husband,just as it would if he said bad things about your family-try to remember that it is not a competition about who does more for you and your husband,these ppl are still your relatives by marriage-and no its not easy to have that kind of patience but you can do it-how would you feel if your son grew up and married a chineese woman and you couldnt speak chineese-she felt that you just dont want to learn chineese and you dont do that much for the family,and she doesnt involve your grankids in your life much,how would you feel???

Answer 3

First of all, you married your husband, not his family.

Second of all, if they do not speak English, it will be difficult for your mother-in-law to communicate to you what has happened during the day with your son if you should let her take care of him.

What has raised alarm bells for me is to hear that you've gotten upset at their not showing up for your baby shower(s).

Baby showers are an American tradition. It may not be the way they do things in Viet-Nam or in Pakistan.

It is easy to see from your descriptions that the cultures are already clashing. You may need to explain to your husband that you want to do certain things your way, and the way you've been raised. Then HE will have to pass on that information to his relatives.

Answer 4

Avoid them. It's about you and your family now; not them. Be smiley -nice when you have to see them, but don't go out of your way for them. They should be respectful of you as the child's mother. How could they expect you to like them when they say degrading things to you about your parenting skills? Tell your husband how they make you feel and if he is a good husband,then he will back you up. It's okay that your child learn about his culture. That should be fun and exciting! But he shouldn't have to hear his grandparents put his mother down.

Answer 5

I really recommend some couples counseling for you and your husband. An uninvolved third party might be able to help you both to see things from the other person's perspective. I would hope that your hubby would side with you and make you feel comfortable around his family so that you could leave your kids there and not worry so much.
Good luck.

Answer 6

Try and learn there culture. make an effort to learn there language. Cook them dinner from there culutre, but do it right or they may be offended. It will show them that you are trying, and maybe they will too. Just try and be involved, if it is important to your husband, it should be important to you so try and get through the barriers.

They do seem a little close-minded so it may be hard to deal with them. But just try that is all anyone can do.

Answer 7

Well you didn't marry them --you married your husband. Culture differences are too much to explain--so what did you expect?? It is your child-YOU watch him. It is your husband--you deal with him -. The family has nothing to do with it. Point to your rear end and then the open door---you are saying BUTT OUT. They should understand that!! Thank God the kids will grow up eventually....good luck.

Answer 8

Try to be patient. When they're over and youu don't work maybe you could try to teach them a little bit of english. Have it involve games that your children can play so that they kids can spend time with their grndparents and they, hopefully, will learn a little bit of english as it goes on. Wih you the best of luck!

Answer 9

Well, you have a situation you need to work through for sure. Most problems in any situation are caused by a lack of understanding of the whole situation. The biggest fear out there is fear itself and both sides of your family have it. Each side want to be a part of your marriage and your children but when communication is the basis for the gap, it can cause big trouble. Think how the Old Testament people must have felt at the Tower of Babel when everyone that used to be of the same language now spoke something different. My suggestion is that you sit down with your husband and let all your feeling about this come out in the open. Then both of you decide how you can best raise your children they way both of you wish them to be raised and then together share that with each side of the family. Family squabbles about how to rear you kids aren't just in different language situations but can also be in different religion situations like mine were when we had our kids. Both sides expected our kids to be raised in their faiths. We finally left both faiths and raised our kids in an entirely different church setting. We still had to go to both sets of parents and put our foot down stating as long as 'religion' didn't come up they could see their grandkids but if they were going to fight about it with us each time we brought the kids over, they just wouldn't see them until they could understand that we were the parents now. You may have to resort to something like that. Of course, learning to get to know each other works both ways. You should both find a way to learn each other's languages. At least enough to speak civil to each other and to express your desires. Cultures are hard to break and traditions are even harder, especially if they are passed down from generation to generation for years in a family. You may be up against something like that too where their culture as well as their religion is both at play against you. The sooner you approach this and get it all out in the open the better it will be. You and your husband need to be the sole decision makers for your kids. You can let your parents and his parents know that they can give their opinions and suggestions without bias and you will take those into consideration but if both of you decide that aren't best for your kids, they need to back off and let you raise your children as you see fit. In that, also remember that some of their suggestions may just be good ones so if they are, thank them and use them and it will help the relationship grow between you all. Both of my daughters married foreigh men. One is Egyptian the other is Chezslovakian. They are learning to cope with their foreign families and doing it very well using this same idea. All realtionships are give and take and each party in a realtionship must give 100% of themselves to make it work.

Answer 10

Ask your husband or try to find a website or book about how to speak their language. Learn general pharses like How are you, and stuff