Is it morally wrong to take my child out of the state that her father lives in?

Question

Okay, so heres the situation.....I have custody of my 4 yr old child through a restraining order that is against her father. He has a violent temper. In the order it states that he may have visitation with her every wed. and every other weekend. Now, recently me and my current boyfriend have had some financial problems and our only option is to leave the state we are in now for a better paying job ( ALOT better ) Legally if i dissolve the restraining order i can leave the state and there is nothing her father can do to stop me unless he hires an attorney and goes to court. Now i was planning on not telling him until i was already gone, for the reason of him being violent and being afraid of what he will do to me. He hasn't paid is childsupport in months and has caused us nothing but problems. My current bf is the one supporting HIS child, so I believe it is in the best interest of her to go where the money is. And set up some kind of visitation when i get to the where i am going

Okay so everyone is telling me to contact a lawyer... i have one and he told me that as long as i disolve the order i can leave legally because once that is thrown out of the court then neither me or her father have custody and u can't kid-nap your own child. So yes i did get legal advise and i know i can do it legally. I am just worried about hurting my daughters feelings, hoping that she would understand. And also worried that his side of the family won't see that i am going to do this for the better and they will just see it as me taking there grandaughter, niece, daughter away. That is why i wanted to know if it was morally wrong of me. My daughter loves her father regardless b/c she doesn't know the full details of everything. I want her to still love him and see him, she just won't see him as often as she would like when we move.

Okay, more about the legal aspect... I have temporary full custody of our child b/c of the order... he has visitation. When the order is dropped, neither of us will have custody. So i can not get in trouble for kidnapping ( from my attorney has told me ) and for the people that are saying it is not right to take her away from her father.. again, i will set up visitation where i am going. I am not going to take her away from him completely as long as he behaves himselve and isn't violent towards her. Also rules with leaving the state apply differently to me and her father b/c we where never married. The only issue is that he won't be around as much as he is now. ( well problem for her not for me ) I could care less if i see him again. but i know my daughter loves him and as long as she is happy when she goes to his house then so be it.

Answer 1

There is nothing that he can do about you taking her out of the state to live anyway as long as you can prove that you are going for better financial reasons. That is the ONLY thing you need to be able to do it. He can fight it all he wants, but will not be able to do anything about it. I don't know if you will even have to get the restraining order removed to do so. Plus, with him being behind on child support, you can hold him in contemp of court as well. You child will be better off going than if you and your bf remained where you are. You can do what you wish and he will have no say so other than working out visitation since it will change when you are out of state.

Answer 2

Yes, if you are in the legal position to do it, cut the child off from her abusive father. Completely. If he is abusive to you, he will be abusive to your daughter, if he isn't already. Bottom line, do what is best for her. I believe it is best from her to not have anything to do with her biological father for the rest of her life. Run while you have the legal advantage to do so. My own sister was not so fortunate. Her husband was abusive to their son. She didn't file for a restraining order or anything against him. She wanted to be as nice and fair to him as possible. So instead, she took their son to the next state to her parent's house. He called the police and accused her of kidnapping their own son, because she crossed state lines. she had to go back. He then had more money, so hired a better lawyer. This lawyer won him strict visitation rights. She now cannot move further than a 40 mile radius of her abusive ex-husband. Her abusive ex-husband won partial visitation rights and forced her to live close to him, because he was able to afford a better lawyer.Well now, five years later, he never actually follows through on his visitation and doesn't want anything to do with them, so it is all okay. My sister has happily remarried a very nice man. The biologial father is pretty much out of the picture. But, had she been the first to take legal action and file custody, she would have been fine. She made the mistake of trying to be fair and impartial. She should have taken legal action right away and been on the offensive. Leave now. Run. Your child is worth it. Do whatever it takes to get your daughter away from her abusive father. It is not morally wrong. It is morally right. Be the first one to hire a lawyer, the first to claim custody, the first to strike. It is the strongest advantage. Attack him while he isn't expecting it, and you will win for your daughter's sake.

Answer 3

Your problem is while it is Legal for you to leave the state it might not be so without informing your ex. Not only that but if you leave without telling him its not going to look good on you if he does take it to court.

No matter what he did to you its still his kid too and he should have a right to know. Now if he was physically abusive to you both I'd say he has no right to know if and where you go.

Weigh your decision he's going to find out eventually anyways it might be better to discuss this over the phone or in the presence of people both of you trust, even a public place. You don't want him hiring a private eye to come find you or risk losing your child in a custody battle.

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Answer 4

it' s not about the $$$ it's about the well being of your child and yourself because of his bad temper. you really don't have to say anything at all if you dissolve the restraining order. if he hasn't paid any child support it will be a while before he can possibly afford an attorney. by then you'll be settled and well off with $$$ for a better future and even for an attorney to keep you and your daughter safe. always make sure that your not breaking the law because you don't want to lose your daughter.

Answer 5

I think that you need to be sure you have the legal aspect of this whole situation correct first. Because I don't think you are allowed to take the child out of the state without her father agreeing to it period. But you need to remember that whatever happened between the two of you has nothing to do with that innocent child. She has the right to have both of her parents in her life. And the person that will be most affected by this decision is not you, your present boyfriend, or even your ex it will be that little child. This would be a choice your making for her that she is not old enough to make on her own. Trust me, I have children by my ex and he is a verbally abusive alcoholic. In "MY" opinion we would all be better without him in our lives but he is their father no matter what and that was a choice I made when I had those babies. As long as they want him in their lives I will continue to deal with it.

Answer 6

How can he see your child if there is a restraining order? Is it supervised visitation?

I think your mommy intuition is good...but I think you should tell him as you are leaving...NOT after you move. I assume you don't want him to know where you are going to be, so if he has caller ID he will be able to do a reverse look-up from the number...call him from your cell or from a pay phone as you are leaving or headed to your new home.

If he is wants to continue contact, make him do the work to see your child, maybe at playground or mall or something...but do what you have to do, and let him work it out if he wants to continue to see her. There is no way you can lose custody if he tries to fight for it to be an *** after you move.

I think you doing the right thing.

Answer 7

I'm going to tell you what someone once told me, no matter how bad you think he is, HE is the child's father and has the right to be involved in her life. If he is violent toward her then you go to a court of law to a family judge and get an order that he cannot see her at all. Remember no matter what went wrong between the two of you, that little child did nothing wrong and deserves to have love from both of her parents.

Answer 8

Pretend you are your child. Put yourself inside of her head.

What would you want mom to do?

You know in your heart what's right, whether you and your child are *actually* in danger from her father, or if it's just lucky and convenient for you that the courts tend to side with a woman who claims she's in danger. Not saying that that's the case in your situation, just saying that *you* know what's true & what isn't. *And*, one day, no matter how little you encourage or allow their relationship, your daughter will know what is true, too.

So, what do you think you should do? What is best for *you* (take advantage of the fact that you can get away with this & do whatever you want with *your* life)? Or what is best for your daughter (buckle down, get creative with finances & budgeting, accept the fact that you are obligated to try to cooperate with her father throughout her childhood)?

Answer 9

It is morally wrong to not support your child. I feel by not sending his child financial support he has created the need for you to leave. You can set up some sort of visitation arrangement through th courts. Before you leave see a lawyer to make sure there will not be any repercussions.

You need to support your child. His father isn't.

Answer 10

It sound more like you want to move because financial not so much as for your daughter to see her father, why would you do that to her. Kids don't care about money you know that they just want there other parent. And why would you expose your daughter to another man that your not married too, for what some day when things don't work out he splits and another heartbreak for your daughter, you can't do that to her, stay where your at and get another job that pays more or a part time in the evenings. But she need to see her dad.