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And rounding the corner,
we keep both eyes open for
impending calamities
approaching victories
but we trip.

Once again,
the dust of our human hands
human minds, human cells,
discarded, dead,
gets in our eyes.

What can we do but nurse
our skinned knees
slowly taste the blood,
and form a picture from blurry fragments?
This is how love is true.

And while we’re here,
knees bent to our lips
head rocking slowly,
humming some worn-out
lullaby that tastes like
sugar cookies and mothballs
on our tongue,
while we’re here,
maybe we look up
and there above us is something
that sends us staggering for the next fall.

This is how faith is true.

And for maybe the time it takes
the sharp inhalation of this
to hit our lungs,
we are human and more than human.

And because primal and primitive are not the same thing,
we are born in this moment as advanced, eternal infants.

2007-07-24 07:10:55 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous in Arts & Humanities Poetry

Excellent criticism everyone! Thank you so much, I've never showed this piece, it's something I've been mulling over for a long time, and now I have somewhere to start when it comes to revision. How exciting! Renaissance Man, yes you may keep a piece. I am always surprised and delighted when someone wants to actually keep something, so thank you! (And please, I asked for criticism and was thrilled to get it, so don't feel bad giving it).

2007-07-25 01:41:21 · update #1

Romentari, I agree with you about the last time, it is abruptly some one elses voice, and I am a psychology student, so maybe I did take that from a textbook... seriously though, I'm quite attached to those last two lines, even though it switches everything up. Thanks girl, for picking up on my voice so quickly!

2007-07-25 01:45:03 · update #2

6 answers

I like the concept of the poem. It suggests to me that my experiences form my concept of what love is and what faith is and that this is what makes me who I am. That's an oversimplification of the poem, of course.

The last line, uncharacteristic of you in this piece, beats me over the head with something you want me to know that needs to be expressed poetically.

I agree there are some areas that need work. In the part of the stanza below, the head rocking doesn't ring true for me.

And while we’re here,
knees bent to our lips
head rocking slowly,
humming some worn-out
lullaby that tastes like
sugar cookies and mothballs
on our tongue,
while we’re here,
maybe we look up
and there above us is something
that sends us staggering for the next fall.

What I pictured was a person on her butt, knees more or less folded to her chest such that she could taste the blood of her skinned knees as referenced in the earlier stanza. Then you say "head rocking....lullaby" while I'm envisioning the whole body rocking (slowly, I agree, as in 'self-soothing'.)

The juxtaposition of "tasting" a lullaby is an interesting one, and I'm wondering if the polarization of the innocence of sugar cookies and the disillusionment of moth balls would work better if you found a different contrast...the concept is good, it's just the way you chose to depict it that didn't work for me.

I agree this needs some work but as I said, I liked the concept. What's fun about poetry is the various levels and angles different people get from it. My read is apparently more simple than some others who've answered, yet my read satisfied me. I like when a poem is ambiguous in a way that is effortless such that the work can remain true for the artist while still bringing a variety of equally true experiences to the readers....hope that makes sense.

2007-07-25 02:19:37 · answer #1 · answered by margot 5 · 0 0

I'm not sure I'm getting this at all, but let me tell you what I'm taking out of it just for the purposes of giving feedback so that you can focus your next draft.

It seems like you are talking about the struggle of existance, possibly evolutionary progression, as well as, the ethereal traits that transcend simple chemistry (i.e., love, faith).

S1: Seems to go into natural selection with forward momentum and set backs. It seems that the important thing in this poem is "but we trip". The fundamental issue seems to be the struggle and what we take away from it.

S2: Seemed to reinforce the genetic progression.

S3: Introducing a transcendant concept against just the simple act of surviving.

S4: again the fall concept again (which also alludes in my mind to the genesis fall account) another transcendant concept is the result.

I wasn't clear on the choice for a stanza break here seeing that you didn't isolate love earlier in a similar way. It made me wonder why faith was more significant here...wasn't sure.

Final 6 lines: I think this is a comment back to those higher concepts. The final two lines may be talking about these higher truths pre-existing in the soul.

Ok, that was my first pass take. I could be a million miles away from your intention. I didn't attempt to comment on the specifics of the poem itself because I felt the point of your question was to see if your ideas were coming across.

You'll have to let me know if they were.

2007-07-24 10:56:17 · answer #2 · answered by Todd 7 · 0 0

I think you've got something there, but the sugar cookies and mothballs imagery, being so sense-oriented, does hit the tongue with kind of a "bleucch" reaction in the middle of everything. Not to mention you've got the taste of blood from your skinned knees in the equation as well...
Keep playing with it---a good sense of self-discovery--watch the "discarded, dead" sound-alikes, though---a little too dramatic, maybe...

2007-07-24 07:27:41 · answer #3 · answered by Palmerpath 7 · 0 0

I like it, but............
It carries a paradox in it's word use. You sort of lose me after "This is how faith is true."I think I am looking for something that expresses the same sentiment but in a simpler form - elementary words that correlate to the primal and primitive expressed. How about just taking out the word "advanced?".

Sorry, I really dislike critiquing anothers work - especially a poet - a really good poet at that,but you asked. I really like it though. May I keep a copy?

2007-07-24 07:24:15 · answer #4 · answered by X 4 · 0 0

Generally-love it, the idea, the tone of it.
But, in details......the third part, about love lacks something. I think it sounds little bit immature. O.Kay, I get it-eternal infants, but remember, only real grown-ups hold right to that title.
And the end, is suddenly not poetic, not Your style, like You`ve wrote it from some sociology school book.

2007-07-24 07:19:13 · answer #5 · answered by Romentari 3 · 0 0

My first impression of the idea was while we may look beyond the mark and fear calamity, really we constantly trip over our own corrupt body. Didn't quite get the contrajuxtal theme of faith and hope.

2007-07-24 07:25:53 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

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