My parents won't participate in my wedding?

Question

I am 19 years old and just moved into an apartment with my boyfriend. My parents are very religous and just told me that they won't participate in our wedding or pay for it and etc because we moved in together. I am very upset by this and don't know what to do. Every little girl dreams of her daddy walking her down the aisle and her mom helping her pick out her wedding dress. I am very hurt by their choice. They say that they love him but just don't like our choice. Neither of us do drugs and stuff like that. He is a very caring hardworking man. He's 23 and just graduated from college and is finishing his internship up....

They were also upset because I wanted to go to a University or Community college instead of a Christian one, and won't help me with my FASFA. I want to go to school for a major in nursing and a minor in spanish, and still haven't made it to school, since they won't give me the info that I need for aid. What am I supposed to do???

They had moved in together before they were married and my mom was 19 and 4 months pregnant with me. There is a lot more to our relationship than the things I mentioned. My kids aren't going to grow up watching their parents smoke some "funny smelling cigarettes" while driving down the road.

Answer 1

OK, I understand the Christian perspective, having been raised the same way as you, it sounds like. Your parents are not bad people, they are just going a bit too far. My son and his girlfriend moved in together and I wasn't thrilled even though I love her and obviously I love my son, and they work well together and are obviously soul mates. The reason I wasn't thrilled is because as a Christian, it is not the best way to start out, and they are both born again Christians. However, I was thrilled when they decided to get married because the one thing that was bothering me, the living together, was now a moot point. Point this out to your parents, remind them that this is a good thing.

Also, you need to give a little too. Meet them halfway by agreeing to go to a Christian college.

Answer 2

I'm so sorry you have to go through that. Your parents need to realize that you're an adult, and while they may not like or agree with every decision you make, alienating you will not change your mind. In my opinion, that type of behavior is mean and manipulative. All they're doing is causing a rift in their relationship with you and your soon-to-be husband. Chances are, they'll come to regret that decision later. My mom is also very religious and she wishes that my fiance and I would have waited until after we get married to move in together. But we're in our 30's, we're committed, and Mom has decided that it's just not a big deal. It's definitely not worth causing any hard feelings. She's accepted the fact that while I love her dearly and respect her beliefs, I do not share those beliefs. It's been a challenging journey, but we've both come to a deep level of mutual understanding. Your parents may come around. they may not. But you can be strong and confident and secure in yourself. You sound like a capable and ambitious young woman.

You have to do what's right for you. Go to the University of your own choosing. Learn Spanish and become a nurse. That's a great career choice! You and your intended can save your money and pay for your own wedding - with or without your parents.

As far as paying for college: If you no longer live at home, you can fill out your own financial aid form and declare your status as Independent. You will probably be elegible for quite a bit of financial aid in the form of grants, loans, and work-study programs. All your financial aid records will be entirely in your name. If you need help with the details, you can meet with a financial aid counselor at your college or university even before you start your degree. Pursue your goals. You cannot have rich and fulfilling relationships with those around you until you're a whole person on your own. All the best to you.

Good luck!

Answer 3

2 problems here - the wedding thing and the school thing.

Let's take the school thing first. Check out this site of Christian colleges with nursing programs.

http://ncf.intervarsity.org/facgrad/schoolsarea.html

There. Mom & Dad get their Christian college - and you get your nursing degree.

Now then. As for your wedding - well, I'd put that off for a few years while you're off in school. Then when you have your nursing degree and a well-paying job - you can pay for your wedding yourself. If this guy is as great as he sounds like he is, he'll support this idea.

As for your parents' strict religious faith? Well, there's nothing you can do about that. But don't close the door. Just love them as best you can - even if it's from a distance.

Answer 4

I would suggest you writing them a letter. keep it very non accusing but let them know how deeply it hurts you that they will not participate in your wedding.

you have to understand their side as well. you mentioned it being every girls dream that her dad walks her down the aisle. like wise, it's parents dreams that their child live their life honorable and in the way they were raised. some parents still have a very hard time with their daughter living with their boyfriends. are you an only child? or have younger siblings?? it would make sense if so.

also, I do not know what your stance is on being "religious" but why would you object to going to a Christian college?? maybe if you can bend on that, they can bend on the wedding. some Christian colleges are really good colleges. or at least start out at one and once you get your general studies, transfer to a nursing school??

good luck. I know it seems like it's not going to get better, but it will, it may take some compromise on both parts though.

Answer 5

Don't hate me for saying this -- but I got married really young and it didn't work out very well. You change A LOT from the time you are 19 - until you are in your late 20's or 30's. Most marriages that start off this young, end in divorce. If you are OK with it - I would just live together for a few years and see how it goes. Don't get married just because your parents believe it's a sin to live together. That's not a good reason.

As far as the schooling - you don't need their information to apply for financial aid on your own. Visit the finanical aid office at your school and tell them about your dilemma with your parents. They will assist you. If for some reason, the school won't give you assistance and you can't afford it on your own - then you have to get a job and support yourself -- and save money for school. In the meantime, you can write your parents a letter and tell them exactly why you want to get a nursing degree and that is your dream and it's a respectable job and ask them for their help. If they still won't help you - then you'll have to do it on your own and maybe just go to school part-time while you work. It sucks - but you're an adult now and you need to make your own decisions and take care of yourself. Nobody can tell you how to live your life. Good luck!

Answer 6

I'm 17 and my boyfriend and I of almost 2 years are planing to marry on our 3 year anniversary August 8th, 2008 =] I've known him since middle school and have been the best of friends. My boyfriend and I have been planing our future and I have passed by to my parents that I would like get an apartment with him, they flipped as well. I will be 18 in September and I really want to marry him. He's my world, love, my everything and more..I'm sure you know how I feel. I definetly know how you feel and I'm so incredibly sorry. Parents just don't understand. I also will be attending a community college and I have a job and I will be getting better pay in less than a month, I don't have my licensce yet but thats not stopping me! My boyfriend works and he rather not but he's doing it for us. I'm basically engaged as well considering he proposed to me already and has given me a ring. We also have matching bands. I know this may sound obsessive but I think you can relate and understand. I don't have advice except follow your heart. I'm following mine and I'm hoping for the best. I know I'm young but your young as well and people may think we're rushing things but we're just in love! We found The One and just by moving in with the guy dosen't mean we're going to doing the nasty all day long!! I finally got permission to have my boyfriend come up to my room WITH the door open. Man, that took work. I'm catholic and I'm waiting for marriage but I think it's programmed into parents heads that we are hormonal and all we want to do is have sex. Just wait, we'll be thinking the same thing about our kids haha. I don't know what else to say except good luck, I hope your parents will follow through and open their eyes that this is their daughter's wedding they are going to be ruining and that maybe they should think about their choices they made BEFORE they even got married. My parents are 6 years apart...my mom was 16 and my dad was...what 20 when they first started dating?? And they had a fit he was a year older than me....Best of luck, I would love to talk more about this!! Good luck with your school and keep your head up. Keep thinking positve! Your in my prayers =]

Answer 7

Well, you can do either one of the two things. One - do as your parents say. Listen to them, and respect their wishes to a T. Go to the school they want you to go to, and move out of your b/f's place until you two are married.

Or, two - stick to your guns if this is what you feel is best for you in the long run. Your parents will have to come to terms with the fact that you are now an adult, and are making your own decisions - as well as absorb a simple notion that "their way" is not the ONLY way. If you take this path, you'll have to be prepared to fend for yourself for a while; I'm sure your parents will come around eventually, especially when they see that you're doing well - but it might take longer than you'd like.

Unfortunately, option three - them magically changing their minds and accepting all of your choices - seems unlikely at this point. Good luck.

Answer 8

Wait, you say your parents are Christian yet they refuse to come to your wedding because you moved in with your boyfriend even though your mother was pregnant before being wed? I'm sorry if I'm being disrespectful here, but they are being SERIOUS hypocrites. Shame on them for putting you through so much stress! No daughter should have to endure what you're going through! Honestly, and I know this will be hard, but if you and your boyfriend want to get married, do it without your parents there. Trust me, they will come to truly regret their decisions. You are 19 and old enough to make your own decisions. My parents weren't exactly thrilled when my boyfriend and I moved in together, but they also knew they couldn't say anything because I was 20 and they also lived together before marriage. Perhaps they'll come to their senses eventually, but until then make sure they know how much their decision has hurt you.

Answer 9

Well, I hate to say it, but your parents are frankly being pretty obnoxious.

Unfortunately, while you are within your rights to move in with your boyfriend and to attend a college other than a Christian one, they are also within their rights to refuse to support actions that they consider improper or immoral or simply not what they'd like.

I think they've really lost the plot with this refusal to give the school the information you need for financial aid, but that there must be some way around that. Is there someone at the school who can help you find another way of handling things? If you're not living with your parents and they aren't paying for your education, then isn't there some way to apply for aid that doesn't involve them? There must be something you can do. Keep trying. Don't give up on your dreams.

When it comes to the question of the wedding, you're probably better off if they don't pay for it. After all, if they're willing to go to the length of sabotaging your request for financial aid at the school, and to refuse to attend your wedding if you live with your guy first, what do you think they'll do if you want a strapless wedding gown or a reception meal they don't like?

Save up whatever money you can toward the wedding you'd like, and have it when the time is right for you. Invite your parents to attend, but don't let them dictate everything to you.

I know you love your parents, and that's a good thing. I know you want them to support your decisions. Unfortunately, they have made their limits not only very limited, but very clear to you as well. Let them know you still love them and want them in your life, but you're grown now and need to make your own decisions. Then keep making those decisions that work for you.

Perhaps one day they'll realize that their decisions are robbing them of time with you and soften their hearts.

Answer 10

It is time for you to take the step to becoming independent. People do it all the time and so can you. Your parents have done their part in making you the young lady that you are today and since you are now 19 it is time for you to move on with your life and make your own decisions. You can go to the school you want and have the wedding that you want, you will just have to work harder to acheive your dreams on your own and not with your parents help.