Financially supporting your parents (in-laws)?

Question

So...the details:
My in-laws are great people, they support my wife & I very well (physically being there, and emotionally for her). They recently both are in the process of losing their jobs, unfortunately. My wife has already thrown out the idea of supporting them financially (this is after recent arguments about our finances within our house - we have no budget, and have been slowly eating up our savings/retirement money over the last few months from everything from extra medical care to frivolous spending). Her parents also spend money on a lot of hobbies, lot's of extra stuff for their house, and literally have a garage full of stuff, and 4-5 outdoor storage sheds full of stuff as well - a lot of which could help if we sold some of it on eBay). I don't have a big problem with giving them money (to help them survive), but I'd like it to fix some problems instead of just going to more "stuff" in their house (Disney tapes, collections, Pro sports collectibles, etc

They are considering a garage sale, but I think they won't part with any of the "items of value" (just the "junk"). They are both looking for new jobs, but I have concerns there as well (he is not ambitious at all - doesn't even help around the house at all including the yardwork, and she was at her job for over 20 yrs, and is definitely "set in her ways" so it will be uncomfortable in fitting into a new environment. Both are pretty good workers and nice people...I'm really hoping they both find jobs fast!

We are not millionaires (LOL), but do have a few "nuggets" in savings/401k that I've worked very hard for the last 10 years to attain. We also have a 3 yr old (and want more)... my obligation is more with my wife and daughter than her parents

Her parents have NOT approached us on this (but I anticipate that this subject will come up soon by them - hence this question on Yahoo)... my also wife feels very guilty for her mother and always feels that she "owes" her. I am considering financial support with the expection that we will have to sacrifice in other places (particularly our "fun money") as there is ALWAYS a tradeoff with money (a dollar given away means 1 less dollar to spend) - my wife doesn't seem to have that mentality (that it's an endless supply, or "things will work out"). Like I mentioned we do not have our own house in-order financially, so the timing is really bad for this.

Thank you very much for the insightful answers...it's grounded me and given me some perspectives to think about!

Answer 1

You seem like a very kind person and they are lucky to have you for a son-in-law. If they are in the process of losing both of their jobs, then it's definitely time to cut down on the hobbies. I think you have a great idea about selling some of their stuff on eBay. Sometimes older people form attachments to seemingly frivolous items. I don't know where it comes from; my friend's mom collects plates and porcelain dolls. When you are in financial straits, it's time to make sacrifices and cut down.

You should help them in devising a manageable budget. Sometimes your local senior center can provide you with the name of a financial adviser, who can assist them with this transition for free or a nominal fee. Unless they are willing to part with some of their "treasures", you should not feel guilty about being hesitant to help them financially. Have them write up a list of their expenses and offer to pay a bill or two directly to the service provider. That way you know your money is going for necessary expenses and not superfluous frou-frou.

Also, many senior centers offer crafts classes where they can learn to make some things on their own. If they look into some of these, perhaps they can satisfy their hobby craving without breaking the bank. They can also help point them in the right direction, as far as a job search. They offer computer and resume classes, and most have a database of "senior-friendly" employers.

Look out for your own finances first, because there will come a time when you will need your retirement money as well.

Answer 2

A very thoughtful question, so hopefully a thoughtful answer.

I agree with you that your wife and children (current and future) is your #1 financial priority. I would talk with your wife about what her idea is about financially supporting them means before getting too out of whack.

If it means a few $100 or is something you can afford - AND you know it will go toward living expenses - than I think that is OK. If we are talking a major committment that would impact the money you set aside for retirement, kids college, etc. - than I think you must pass.

There are other ways you and your wife can help - helping with projects so they don't have to hire people, making sure they know they don't need to buy the kids expensive presents at birthdays, etc.

The thing that will be tough is putting conditions on the money you offer - I don't think other adults (especially parents) will take to that too well. This means you may wind up giving nothing.

I have given my brother some unsolicited money because he and his family are in some binds, but then they do not cut back on what I consider lavish spending. I figured it was not my place to tell them how to spend their money, so basically no more unsolicited gifts. If they were ever in a bind again and asked for help, I would probably give them a gift card for a grocery store so I know it will be placed to good use.

I know I am wrambling a bit, but to reiterate the main points. 1) you won't be able to tell your in-laws how to run their finances so don't let it frustrate you and 2) you are correct in that your primary responsibilities are to your wife and kids

Good luck for everyone!

Answer 3

Your inlaws might be eligible for their own incomes, depending on their age status. If they are past or to the
retirement age, they can file for that.
If either one was in the military, then there is benefits there
also, and they should apply for them.
If either of them is Disabled, they can apply for Disability
Payments.
You can always, ask for a Dept. of Human Services Worker
to check on them, and all that.
People have a Responsibility to Support Themselves...
and not Mooch off other people.
If you ''put a freeze'' on any savings you have in order to
"protect some of your money'' then, no matter the circum-
stances, you'd still have some, and ''you can always...
borrow, against the amount", and still not lose all you
have saved, invested. You can ''set the time / months, etc"
for the freeze to last.
Perhaps they'd be willing to sell a few things. Some people
feel a need to ''collect'' and never rid themselves of it.
You might help them find another job too.
It is always a good idea to ''fix'' the problem, rather than add
to it, and make the problem worse.
Good Luck, from Too Funny

Answer 4

I'm sorry to say, but although these are your "in-laws", WHY ARE YOU & YOUR WIFE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR FINANCES ALL THE SUDDEN? just b/c they are about to lose their jobs? just a heads up here. You said you have no budget, so why put yourselves on the line? Your in-laws can't or shouldn't rely on you for financial support, if they lose their jobs (depending on the reasons, such as lay off) then they need to apply for Unemployment Benefits from the state they live in & at the same time look for new jobs. They will have to budget themselves. You should tell your wife, while you would love to help them out, you two CAN'T AFFORD IT RIGHT NOW. Unless, you are millionaires (which sounds like your not). You need to think about your future & your own bills. Don't put yourself on the line just because your wife feels sorry for them.

Answer 5

Sounds like your in-laws are classic "hoarders" -- and you are right to suspect that they are going to be unwilling to part with anything at this point, especially with their work situation the way it is. If anything, it will make them MORE likely to cling to their possessions.

While you certainly don't allow your inlaws to starve, neither are you responsible for supporting them as long as they are still able to support themselves, especially if it would mean compromising your own hard work and savings. (Sounds like your wife is trying to buy her way out of some sort of residual childhood guilt, or trying to buy mom and dad's love in some way, especially if you are starting to see signs of inappropriate spending in your own home.)

Can you offer to set up an eBay 'store' for your inlaws? Tell them it's more fun than a garage sale, and they'd make more money. :-) Help with them photographing items, etc. You might get them turned onto a new hobby! If they do it a bit at a time, it might be less painful than all at once, like at a garage sale.

Good luck -- this is a hard situation.

Answer 6

What saints you and your husband! It is time for "Mom" to grow up and pay her own way. You are not obligated to do anything more than love and respect your elders, and you both have gone way above the call of duty there. You have 3 children that deserve their own home..what happens when "grandma" gets tired of the noisy teen aged antics..or becomes one of those, she can't date until she is 23?? This is your life, your husband spent his childhood with his Mommy, now it's time to take care of yourselves and your children. Maybe a good dose of responsibility will also help motivate your monster in law into realizing that she can get a 9-5 job, and she does have valuable skills..almost anyone can clean a house or walk a dog..enjoy it not likely, but it will help pay the bills!

Answer 7

not a good idea slowly they will invade your personal space, friends won't be able to come over you won't be able to watch your own t.v. when you want and then you'll have to deal with all their little hobbies. Giving them rides like you have a cab sign stamped on your forehead. If they are pack rats your house will be turned into a mess. Maybe you should suggest they sell some stuff to make some money. I'm not trying to be mean but they obviously put themselves in the position they are in now

Answer 8

financially supporting parents laws

Answer 9

I agree with you 100%. They can sell some "stuff" to help support themselves while they secure another job. If they had NO means to help themselves, it may be a little different. it is NOT your fault they are out of work. HELP them find other work. it is out there. I am all for helping friends and family when I can, but you cannot take from what you need to give to someone else either, when they are not trying to help themselves out. I had SEVERAL family members come to live with me for one reason or another a few yrs. ago. When they did get a job they offered me NOTHING for their keep even tho they stayed here for over 6 months and some longer than 2 yrs. I never asked for anything either, but when they got out of work again and had NO place to go, I said NO to them coming back to live with me. They have got to learn to stand on their own two feet sometimes. It was hard on my part to turn family away, but they survived.l (I would not have seen them on the street, but they know now that they had better shape up FAST or that is where they may end up because good ol Deb aint gonna bail them out anymore.)

Answer 10

Be realistic anbout it. Ask them if they want to hold a garage sale for items they don't need anymore. Are they looking for other jobs??