Should I worry about what my daughter thinks of me?

Question

My daughter has come to visit me for some time or maybe permanently. She lived with her Dad in another state and is 15.

I know that she thinks that I am not a good mother because I have left and abandoned her so many times. Yet, she may not see that her father was abusive with me.

I don't know if I should be worrying about what she thinks of me or just let her form her own impressions either good or bad.

I am glad that she has come to stay with me, but am surprised. I went to stay with her (she lives in another state) and left after three weeks.

I think that I was probably the only alternative since staying with her grandmother was not a good option and her Dad was still in a state of transition since he moved due to job reasons.

I know that I have not done for her what other mothers have or what my two sisters-in-law have for their children.

Answer 1

As long as you are sincerely interested in your daughters best interest, don't worry. There is not alot you can tell her, you have to show her, and that takes time. Kids are great judges of character and they usually see for themselves. Good luck to you and stop stressing yourself out.

Answer 2

It would be great if all parents were pefect, woudn't it!!! Even the best of parents get some form of criticism from their children, small or grown up. We will always hear, I wish my parents had done this or that, had more money, needed a bigger house, dad was gone so much for his work, mom never let me do anything. Children really don't appreciate their parents until they are grown and maybe have kids of their own. I have seen a really lousy dad who didn't pay childsupport or ever try to see his kids still be loved because the children still need the security of having a dad, no matter how bad he is. Children will still gravitate to a poor parent because they are connected by blood and a need to be loved by that parent.
I think if you love your daughter to the best of your ability, and that's all you can do, then she will be happy. She needs to know you love her and will accept the fact that you abandoned her. I'm not sure why you would want her to live with her dad, since he was abusive to you. Did you provoke him? Or is this just the kind of man he is? Aren't you afraid he would hurt your daughter too?
Give your daughter a chance to get to know you so that you two can deepen your relationship. Give her that much.

Answer 3

I feel for your daughter. No one knows what she is going through, but her. Try to make her realize that while you haven't always been the mother that she needed, you are there now. Don't ever bad mouth her father nor does she need to know why you left. IF she asks just tell her that the circumstances were very hectic & you felt it was the best thing to do. In the future when she is older & mature enough to understand, then by all means tell her why you left IF SHE ASKS. Again, don't make him out to be the bad person.

In the meantime, try to regain the relationship that you lost so many years ago. You might not be able to make up for lost time, but you can build on what you have today.

You shouldn't worry about what your daughter thinks of you -- After all you are the one that portrayed that image for so many years. All you can do is change that image to make her realize you are not that person anymore.

Good luck & MANY BLESSINGS!!!

Answer 4

It is hard enough to have to move away from all your friends and surroundings when you are 15. Adding a mom who may not have always been present in her life adds a new dimension to her angst. If you try and sit her down and tell her your side of the story, she might see it as an attack on her dad, who is really the only full-time parent she's ever known. If you do this, she will only see you as the enemy. I think the best approach is to let her know that you are here for her now, and let her come to you. You admit you weren't there for her as a child- you can't expect her to suddenly be your best friend. You will earn her love and respect if you show her, starting now, that you are a person worthy of love, that you are dependable, and that you love her very much. You have to show her through your actions, not just tell her all the time with what she considers to be empty words. Just be yourself and introduce her to who her mother really is. Be patient!

Answer 5

It's good that you are concerned about your daughter's feelings.

As a 15-year old, I'm sure she had formed one or two opinion of you---good or bad. She may be resentful and wishes to bring up the past. Let her.

The one thing that you can do now is to show your love for her. Not by material things, or even your words of love.

Show her her baby pictures that you've kept all this time and any souvenir of the things you've done together. Cry over these memories, hug and comfort one another, and make promises that you know you can keep.

Best!

Answer 6

Yes I think you should worry. And now that she is older maybe you should talk to her about why you left. Not to make her father look bad or anything, but to let her understand the situation you were in and had to leave. I'm sure that her father has maybe tried to make you look bad at one time or another, but you can make her see the situation without doing the same. I think now you have a second chance at being a better mom and showing her that you can do that. It's time to do everything and anything to make her feel special and let her know how you feel. It's never too late.

Answer 7

I think if you want to have a meaningful relationship with your daughter, you should try to communicate. She may have an impression of you now give what's happened in the past and this will largely affect how she views the world. So, yes, what she thinks of you should concern you. If there are any misconceptions that she has about your actions, it would be good to explain them to her. At 15, she's able to understand a lot but she cannot do this if she just guesses what's going on instead of you taking the time out to explain it to her.

Answer 8

My first question would be...how could you have left your daughter with your husband who you claim is abusive? I'm sure that she does have issues with you concerning your abandonment of her and really, how could she not?? Perhaps if you are in a situation where you can provide a stable home life for her and are willing to stick it out and not leave her again you should talk to her concerning that option. She probably needs to know that you want her and love her and would welcome her coming to live with you permanently. Obviously with so many things that have gone on between you both in the past it would be unwise to assume your relationship with her now would be traditional mother daughter relationship since you forfitted that right when you left her (numerous times?). You and your daughter need to sit down and have a deep discussion where you are completely open and honest with her.

Answer 9

In time, she'll realize that maybe things other people have said about you or something like that...she'll come to find her own opinion. My cousin is going through this and she constantly worries what her ex is implanting in her daughter's head and what she thinks of her...but 9 times out of 10, they already have their own impression of you in their own head, ya know?

Don't worry about the past...worry about right now. Worry about what you can do NOW and not what you want to change. Be there for her and apologize to her about the stuff that happened.

Answer 10

It may or may not be a good idea to try explaining to her why you left- I'm not sure about that. 15 is a tender age and it might not be good to reveal that to her, but then it may be best that she knows. All I can say for sure is to show her all the love and compassion you have for her, assure her that you want to be a part of her life and that you're sorry for things that have happened in the past.

Good luck!