How do I tell my daughter I don’t want her in my life?

Question

When I was in high school I was extremely popular and destined for great things. Although I was very successful academically, I was just like most teens, young and stupid and got myself pregnant 2 months before I got accepted into college. I was devasted because all my dreams were going to go down the drain because of this baby so I gave her up and never looked back. Now 22 years later I’m happily married with two beautiful daughters , 7 and 11, who mean the world to me and the wealth and social status I was destined for. Recently the daughter I gave up lost her adoptive mother to cancer and contacted me. We had lunch and I told her I did what I had to do to guarantee my future and that I didn’t want to hear from her again. She asked to meet her sisters just once without telling them who she was but I’m worried she’ll try to use them stay in my life. Why doesn’t she understand that the whole point of giving her up was to have this very life and that I don’t want her in it?

Answer 1

Tell her who her real Dad is and let her go look for his family. She wants to be part of a family and lost her adoptive mother so let her latch onto her biological father and his sisters, etc. to fill that need.

Answer 2

You are the most selfish bi*ch I've ever seen,
Just because your ashamed of what you did in high school that isn't your daughters fault.
Even though you give a child up for adoption there is always the chance they will want to know who their birth parents are. If you didn't want to take that chance you should have aborted the pregnancy.
Your daughter already lost her birth parents once then she looses her adopted parents and when she came to find some form of family she had left, you had the nerve to tell her to stay out of your life, this girl has had a hard life with Im sure many questions and a feeling of being unwanted and now all alone, Your a very very cold person.
People like you shouldn't have children all you think of is yourself,
and you had the nerve to tell her the only reason you gave her up was to guarantee your future, what about this child you brought into this world
If you are any kind of a good person you will suck it up and tell your husband about what had happened 22 years ago when you were just a kid, he might be upset that you kept this from him but if he is a true man he will except it, then you and your husband need to have a sit down with your other daughters and let them know you had a baby along time ago and now she is a adult she is like your big sister, then let them meet you will notice that you are the only one with a problem with this.
But if you are truly the B*tch you are protraying in this question then maybe your daughter is better off without you
but one day your other daughters will find out what you did and said to her and they will hate you.

Answer 3

First I think that your attitude toward your daughter then and now is extremely selfish. You just need to be honest, but loving to her and tell her that you gave her up because that was what was best for the both of you at the time and you still feel that it is best for the both of you for things to remain as were. Tell her that it has nothing to do with her but that it is your own issues that make having her in your life impossible for now.

You may later change your mind and want to have her there so leave the door open for future contact whether it be phone calls, emails or even letters if person to person contact is not anything you desire. The least you can do is be there for her now as a friend, if not a mother, since she is reaching out to you, I imagine that contacting the mother that placed her for adoption was probably a very hard thing for her to do.

Open your heart, the way your post reads it sounds as though your heart is set on only money, power and status, those are not the things that matter and I pray that you see that before it's too late. Your wants are not all that matters, you need to think of others as well and that includes your daughter.

Answer 4

LOL at the replies on this question. If this had been flipped the other way and this was the daughter asking the same question, the answers would have been way less harsh concerning the lack of wanting contact, but just as harsh about the birthmother trying to intrude on the adopted person's life.

So here is my answer. While you have the luxury to avoid this history in the past, you no longer have that luxury. Your daughter knows who you are and how to contact you. She also knows there are other family members out there that can be contacted. You don't get to determine what her relationship is with those other people, you can only determine the relationship *you* have with her. Anyone can contact anyone at any time legally, age has no influence over that. Knowing that your daughter can contact anyone at any time, at some point she is going to contact your other children, or other family members.

You cannot stop that risk from happening. But, what you can do is decide what to do knowing that risk is there. Do you continue to keep your children in the dark about their sister?

I suggest you seek some counseling, or find a support group. Things can't go back to how they were before contact was made, life just doesn't work that way.

Answer 5

Try to put yourself in her situation. This girl has and had decisions made for her that she had no control of and you are continuing to do that. Why are your feelings more important than hers. She may have spent her whole life not feeling any connection physically and possibly emotionally to anyone. Whether you like it or not, you made a decision and now should be grown up enough to live with it. You are not only depriving her but possibly your other two as you say beautiful daughters. I take it you don't consider her beautiful. Guessing because she has caused another kink in your perfect life.

What do you think your other daughters will think of you if sometime when they are much older they find out that you have not only kept this secret from them but didn't allow them the opportunity to meet her and made the decision for themselves. I realize that the 7 year old is a little young but at 11 she is old enough to completely understand this.

While I understand that you do not have nor should you have any motherly attachment nor responsibility to this girl, you should have some moral and human responsibility to treat her with dignity and the respect she deserves. To just say go away and forget I ever had a part into bringing you into this world is truly cruel.

It does not appear that you even gave her or yourself a chance to get to know each other. Families are build in a second but friendship can sometimes take a little longer.

Sometimes the true selfishness of people in this world still makes me shake my head.

Answer 6

I completely understand. I know it's hard. But think and try to look in these 2 situations, it's either you do the right thing or look after yourself. That is your daughter and your responsibility. Her foster mother was there for her when she needed her most but now that she's gone, you should do the same thing. She just lost something very dear to her and you should help her get over it. You're asking, how do I tell my daughter that I don't want her in my life... But for goodness sake! She's your daughter! I can't imagine a parent not wanting their children in their lives. All I'm saying is that you try to make up with her. She just wants to be loved and cared about. She wants to see her real mother and 2 other sisters. Please, if you love her, you should do the right thing or lose it all. It's called KARMA, Carrie. I'm not taking any sides in this but your daughter has the right to see your family. That's just being selfish! I'm not a mother but when it comes to things like this, I do have an opinion in every way. I'm not doing this just to be your BEST ANSWERER. I'm doing this so you can have a point of view. Just think about it, for all the cruel things you said about her, she still wants to see you! She won't visit you if the purpose is just ruining your life. Se would visit you for a reasonable cause... because she misses you. Sorry for being rude but I hope you have a change of heart and let her see you family.

Answer 7

Get counseling, dearheart.

Please try to be reasonable. Emotional needs are great for a person losing their parent, even an adoptive parent. Just a little kindness would go a long way. If you choose to crush your birth daughter's feelings, she will be even more likely to obsess on being in your life. Rejection sometimes doesn't do as the person intended.

You had her, you got the wealth you wanted...

Why not have both?

Is there some other issue, like mixed race that is bothering you, that makes you not want you daughter?

Deal with you, so you can deal with your daughter. She is a person, just like you, also destined for great things and not an aborted fetus to be discarded, OK?

Answer 8

As the parent of an adopted teen, I understand your reluctance to enter into a relationship with your birth daughter. If you truly feel this way, then I suggest you be honest with your daughter. It is imperative that she realize that YOU are the one with the problem, and that she has done nothing wrong. An even better solution would be for both of you to seek counseling, either together or separately because she's going to feel (rightly so), that you are rejecting her again.

BTW, no one in this world is "destined for good things" and I'm sure you think you deserve "the wealth and social status [you were] destined for," but you seem to be narcissistic and grandiose in your thinking. You definitely need to seek counseling.

Answer 9

Wow. That's rough. She get's rejected by you at birth, loses her adoptive mom who took on YOUR responsibility, reaches out to you and gets rejected again. I doubt she is asking for much more than to just be included in a family and is no threat to your social status and wealth. She has a right to know her history, even if it includes a cruel, elitist, materialistic birth mother. If you don't want her in your life, just come right out and tell her. Tell her that you are a cold-hearted self-centered ***** that would sacrifice her own flesh and blood to get what she wants and that she was the sacrifice. Be sure to include that you have the designer children that you wanted, perfectly spaced apart in age and she has no place in your life. Tell her that you know you are a disgrace and are not even the least bit ashamed. She is an adult now. She can handle it.

Answer 10

I have to agree with EVERYTHING that everyone else has said to this post, but would like to add a little of my own. My sister got pregnant in high school at 16, and put her son up for adoption. She knew that at that age she did not have the necessary means to care for a child and knew that she would not be able to continue to college, she was validictorian of her high school. Each and every day we think of this young boy, and she and her husband (also the father) can only hope that one day HE will contact them. He needs to know that he was loved, and they decided to have him adopted so that everyone will have a better life.

I think that it is very sad that your daughter, lost her REAL mother. And even though you did not want her, and apparently STILL don't, you should at least give her the courtesy of meeting your family, and having somebody to talk to so that she can grieve, and not feel completely and totally abandoned.

Answer 11

I pray that your daughter has a supportive and loving adoptive family, and it is sad she no longer has a mother to go to. She is blessed that she did not have to be raised by you...because I am appalled at how selfish, cold and cruel you are. What I hear you saying is that this young woman was merely an inconvenience to you...she was a bump in the road to wealth and success. Have you considered the fact that she is a human being, with feelings?

This young woman has questioned all her life what her biological family is like. It does not sound like she is trying to have a big relationship with you, but to cut her out of your life a second time? If you do not want her to meet your daughters, fine. But please do some soul searching about how you have treated your own flesh and blood...whether she is flesh and blood you gave away or not.