How do I tell my daughter I don’t want her in my life?

Question

When I was in high school I was extremely popular and destined for great things. Although I was very successful academically, I was just like most teens, young and stupid and got myself pregnant 2 months before I got accepted into college. I was devasted because all my dreams were going to go down the drain because of this baby so I gave her up and never looked back. Now 22 years later I’m happily married with two beautiful daughters , 7 and 11, who mean the world to me and the wealth and social status I was destined for. Recently the daughter I gave up lost her adoptive mother to cancer and contacted me. We had lunch and I told her I did what I had to do to guarantee my future and that I didn’t want to hear from her again. She asked to meet her sisters just once without telling them who she was but I’m worried she’ll try to use them stay in my life. Why doesn’t she understand that the whole point of giving her up was to have this very life and that I don’t want her in it?

Answer 1

Shame on you! You had this child, and gave her up, which, at the time, was probably the best choice. But now she is alone, and is reaching out to you - her natural mother. She has two half sisters that she would like to meet. Maybe you don't have to tell them who she is just yet, but your first daughter does have some rights.

Since you are obviously basking in your wealth and luxury now, you should also have some compassion for the child you bore. Imagine if you were in her place. She lost her adoptive mother, and she sought out her birth mother for some comfort in this world. Then she meets you - this wealthy, happy woman with a good life, and you turn your back on her as it she never existed. Maybe you view her as a "mistake" that you made when you were young, but that was your fault -- not hers. You are punishing her for your mistake.

I guess the description of Christian is not in your vocabulary???

Answer 2

The saddest part of this, to me, is the fact that there are three girls in this world with a mother who doesn't seem to realize the damage she is doing to them. Those THREE girls deserve to know each other, regarless of what you want! You made the mistake, NOT your children! Part of being a parent means doing what is best for your children, not that you don't want to damage the reputation and social status you have gotten too. Don't you think that your friends, negihbors, and coworkers would look down on you for you cruel, selfish, and heartless behavior??
Even if you don't want the older daughter in your life, you simnply MUST accept the fact that your two younger girls NEED to know her, if not now, then later in life when they get older.
Here's another way to think of your situation: What would you do if you or one of your younger girls was sick and needed a kidney, or bone marrow transplant and the only good match was your older "unwanted" daughter? I think you'd want to have her in your life at that point. Just remember, what goes around comes around, and there may be a time in your life when you do need her. Maybe you should really think about who you are and what's important to you, because I think that your priorities are a little out of alignment here.

Answer 3

You obviously do not know what life is all about. It is because of people like you that there are children out there that are screwed up in the head. You may as well just had an abortion. Do you know how many women out there would love to have a child of their own and are not able to? The fact that you can just turn her away like that shows that you are a heartless, self-centered, narcissistic BlTCH that never deserved to have children. You probably use your daughters that you claim as a status symbol too... you are the worst excuse for a human being I have ever had the displeasure of coming into contact with. I hope that when your daughters grow up they disclaim you, not that you'll care...

Answer 4

From your point of view, what you are trying to say is that you made a decision and you would like to stay connected to that decision, however unlike other joint decisions (like say for eg: divorce) in this case, the kid's wishes were never asked.
You created this life and so even if you dont want to be associated with this part of your life, you might have to stand back and evaluate how this will affect on your child's life.
You are a mother to 2 other girls, therefore I am hoping you do feel for your children and though your younger 2 girls came from a cushy setting and not as a mistake, your older offspring is still your daughter. I am hoping you understand the motherly pain that comes from when your kids are hurting, then cant you please find it in you to support and heal this other girl?

Maybe she will try to keep connected to you through these girls, maybe she wont. She sounds like a grown up, mature, loved person who lost the only mom she ever knew and wants to feel connected and vulnerable. While you dont have to promise her name in your will or plan a debut party in her name.
All you need to do is think from a more humane point of view and understand that this is another human being we are talking about (who happens to be someone you brought into this world)
And btw, not to sound judgemental.. but i always thought that the whole point of getting a good education was to be able to make sound choices based on having studied whats out there that you cannot find just with a high school education. The whole point why college graduates get better jobs is not just because they specialized in a certain field..but bcoz they were able to put their head down for few years and understand a subject well. And by the time we get our diplomas we are able to open our minds and be able to make wise decisions in future. Good luck.

Answer 5

It's really easy to sit back and say you are a horrible selfish person. But I think the problem is for 22 years you have thought of your daughter as a thing and not a person. It may have been what you needed to do in order to cope with giving her up.

I highly, HIGHLY recommend, if this is a serious post, to get help. Don't answer your daughter until you have really had time to work through your feelings.

Answer 6

My reaction is the same as others, you are certainly "I" centered. Your other two daughters are the center of your life. What if there was a need that only your 1st child could fill, how would you feel about her then? Even if she wasn't your child she is a 22 year old who is seeking friendship. She is alone. Also, you need to think about Why you don't want any thing to do with her. Your embarrassment, your past, your truth coming forth. Truly she really is better off without the relationship with you and your family. Does your husband even know?

Answer 7

I can side with you on why you gave her up but now that you are grown and she is also grown why can't you have and adult relationship with her. This child was rejected by you twice. She never asked to be here it was your mistake not hers.

I had a girlfriend who never knew her dad her mom is black and dad is white and that had alot to do with it. But when she was getting married she started her search for her father with the little info she had. She spent hundreds of dollars to find him and when she did she and he agreed to meet in a local restaurant near her home.

She was so happy to find him and forget the pass. She bought new clothes, got her hair and nails done she just wanted to make a good impression. She had a great career wanting no fanancial support from him but she wanted him to attend the wedding. Not to walk her down the aisle but to be there because her uncle raised her so he was walking her down the aisle.

When they met he told her he was married with three daughters who knew nothing about her he threw a $100 on the table and left her there crying.

Almost ten years later she cant figure out how he is not curious on how she is doing and if his now grandchildren are okay.

Your daughter may just need to know where she is from.

Answer 8

This question isn't very nice one, i'd consider you to be one of the most repellant human beings on the face of this earth for spurning your firstborn and eldest daughter.. All the social status and destiny that you "deserve" is ill gotten gains as far as this individual is concerned, you are not a human being, perhaps at one time you were, but your eagerness to cast away your living, breathing "mistake from the past" is surely the most opprobrious trait a "mother" could ever have..

It's easy, if your daughter realises what a selfish shallow shell of a woman her mother is, she'll know full well that your a lost cause, and i hope that somewhere on this great planet, she finds happiness, and a family who will love her, regardless of how much sorrow she must feel for being shunned by the likes of you once again..

you disgust me..

Answer 9

Knowing that it is so easy for you to cut your own flesh and blood out of your life for the sake of appearances I truly doubt if you love your other children unconditionally.

I got pregnant just before college and kept my baby girl and now I own 3 businesses, work from home, have a loving husband and son as well as that baby girl who is now 16.

You could have achieved anything you wanted if you had worked hard enough. You did the best thing for your daughter by giving her up because a selfish mother is no kind of mother.

As far as the life that you have now, if you have real relationships in your life no one would condemn you for giving that child a better life than you could have provided her. BUT, giving her up so you could have a false sense of social status and money is a selfish joke. Your money could be gone in a day, your social status is phony if these people would not want to associate you because of you giving your child up for adoption.

Children are sometimes and most often the worst timed gifts from god and it is our job from conception to put them first and part of that is attaining our dreams no matter the challenges because we need to show them how to do it.

Answer 10

I met my half sister that my mum gave up for adoption when she was 17, and I dont regret it for a moment. She was an awesome chick, but sadly got cancer and died at 23 (I was 15).
Im lucky my mum was less selfish than you, and was accepting of my sister. You truely sound selfish, going on about the life you were destined for, with the wealth and social status you wanted? Perhaps thats what the problem is?
This poor girl lost her real mum to cancer and you think she is manipulating you, when all she wanted was to meet her blood!!!????