Adoptees that searched for and found their Birth Parents, did you regret it?

Question

I'm an adoptee and after quite a bit of searching, I found my birth mother and her family. My maternal biological family is a pretty decent group of people, and I now see them around the holidays and keep in touch occasionally.

My biological mother, however, has been in jail for the past 11 years for a crime that I consider almost unforgivable. I've been in touch with her, we've written back and forth, and she would like to have some level of relationship with me when she is paroled. She claims she can't remember my biological father's name, and has had no contact with him since before I was born. I'm not concerned with finding him anyway.

While I am happy to finally know where I come from...(at least on the mother's side), and I've been pleased to find great maternal grandparents...part of me regrets finding my biological mother.

I'd like to hear from other Adoptees who found their birth parents. Was it a positive experience? Negative? Do you regret it?

Answer 1

I'm the birth mother, I found my bdaughter in 2001, she was 29. We have a pretty good relationship, but early on she said that she already had a mom and a dad and her kids already had grandparents. So I know my place, I love her and her kids like I love my son whom I raised. I think the whole abandonment issue is always with her and I understand that just as my issue with giving a child are always with me. We have both gone through some counciling. She is glad I found her and I am too, but I always respect her and her parents relationship. I gave birth to her but I'm not her Mother. If someday she wants me to be then I will.

Answer 2

Finding my birth mother's family was horrendous. My mother died when I was 3 and she told my step-dad to make sure that her family didn't get ahold of my older (14 months older) brother and I. Was she ever right. Never met a more dysfunctional family in my life - alcoholism and depression where their best qualities!!!

My biological father's family (he died before I found his family) is absolutely wonderful. I met 4 other brothers I did not know I had (all older). My cousin and I are now the best of friends and my grandmother is truly a Blessing.

The best thing to do is to go into the situation with no preconceived notions or expectations. That way you won't be disappointed.

Answer 3

My husband reunited with his biological mother when he was 30 after a health scare drove him to find more of his biological history. He was adopted in 1970, when they took very little family history. The only way to get the information he needed was through a reunion, which he didn't think was a good idea. However, his biological mother was already trying to initiate one from her side.

They laid the ground rules beforehand. He made it clear that he had a mother (adoptive mom) and didn't need another, but did want to know his biological family. She agreed to that.

Unfortunately, as the relationship progressed, she really wanted to be mother/son with him. He started to relent the more he got to know her, but she was really pushy about it. Meanwhile, she allowed all the other relationships in her life to crumble. We felt she had an unhealthy obsession with our son (as in trying to recapture what she lost when she put my husband up for adoption -- which wasn't her choice; her parents forced her to do it). She would show him favoritism over her other grandchildren and also favoritism for my husband over his half-sister, whom she had raised.

He began to grow very concerned about her mental health as she spiraled down in to manic episodes. He attempted to get the relationship on solid ground, and she reacted in anger. She ended up giving him an ultimatum -- leaving his adoptive family and being her son or never speaking to her again. Then she made the choice for him and kicked him out of her life.

He's had a lot of regrets about it. He feels he should never have agreed to the reunion. Of course, he did try to do it right, and he couldn't have known how difficult it was for her. We didn't know she was forced into the adoption, we didn't know she had never been allowed to speak about him, grieve for him, or keep any remembrance of him such as a photograph. She had been through a horrible ordeal and it just all came out shortly after the reunion in all the wrong ways.

We still think about her a lot and pray for her often, especially around his birthday. It's a real shame it didn't work out well...I hope she's found some healing, but I have no way of knowing.