Your opinion of children in parents' bed?

Question

The culture in S.E.Asia (where I now live) is that their kids share the same bed as their parents until they're as old as 10rs old. In the UK (where I grew up) the culture is very Victorian and children have their own rooms & beds and are forced to sleep there from a very young age.

As a Brit child I was obviously in my own room but I suffered greatly from night terrors and was very, very frightened by them to paralysis. I believe, if I had had the option to stay with my parents, even in the same room, I might not have suffered with these endless terrors.

But many would argue their rights to privacy I'm sure, but is that really more important than y/our childs' pain and torment?

Now my 3 yr old has her bed in our room and her nights are peaceful, when she was alone she awoke scared every night and woke us up too. So our nights are more peaceful too!

Shouldn't we let go of these 'Victorian' values and think about our children? Or do you personally think it's a wrong approach

Answer 1

My two year has been sleeping in his own room since he was about a year old and he used to wake up quite a bit in the night but he's fine now. My 16 month old is still in with us but that's because our house only has two bedrooms. When he's ready for a big bed I will put him in the same room as his brother.
I couldn't have them in bed with me though, they fidget too much, and none of us would get any sleep.
Whatever works for you I say.

Answer 2

My daughter had the brilliant idea that their first should always sleep between her Mum & Dad so that she would never feel lonely,
Then came the problem when her little girl became mobile - did they keep her up till they went to bed or did they have to go to bed early to make sure she was safe. Her father was getting very disturbed sleep because of a restless child, so he was tired and irritable at work and at home. The crunch came when their daughter fell out of bed during the night and associated bed with the pain and fright of falling, so then they couldn't get her to bed at all without loud and long screams.
I think you'll find that not having kids in the marriage bed goes way back beyond Queen Victoria's Middle Classes, and my experience of Asian family life is that families didn't have the luxury of extra bedrooms for the kids and that their beds were closer to ground level anyway.
I don't recall any "pain and Torment" from having my own room as a child - rather the reverse; there would have been more emotional pain in having to share my parents' bed till I was pre-pubescent..

Answer 3

I think every child is different and if a child needs to be secure at night then the parents need to do their best to accomodate. If that means co-sleeping so that you avoid being woken up several times a night by a frightened child then so be it.

I co-slept with all of my children. I do believe there comes a point where everyone is more comfortable in their own space. I couldn't co-sleep with my 6 and 4 year old anymore because they are all over the bed. However, if they were frightened I would co-sleep with them for that night. They are always welcome to seek comfort in my bed.

If a married couple isn't able to have any alone time because the child is constantly between them then they definately need to prioritize intimate time around that. It isn't healthy for the parents or the child to have parents that are intimately disconnected with each other.

For my own personal life co-sleeping works just fine. I love the ease of breastfeeding and night time soothing. However, if a parent felt like they were not sleeping well or feared harming their child accidentally by rolling over them or smothering them at night then I would say they should try modified co-sleeping (in same room but not same bed) or co-sleeping on an "as needed" basis.

Answer 4

I even have 2 boys elderly 5 and four and a daughter elderly 15 months. My 4 year previous nevertheless comes into mattress 5 out of 7 nights with us (frequently very early morning around 5 or 6 am). If my 5 year previous has a frightening dream then he will are available besides. i'll proceed to try this till they provide up coming in. i do no longer have confidence there is something incorrect with myself or my husband sharing a mattress with our youngsters. The day I could tension approximately my very very own or my husbands habit in the direction of our youngsters is an afternoon i'll on no account stay to be sure. If my sons make an beside the point remark or gesture i'll tell them so and flow on.

Answer 5

I personally think that children should have their own room, as this allows them to enter into a routine and gives them a little independence in the big bad world, plus the fact is it not worse that you allow your children to share your room and then turf them out when they get to a certain age, if children are raised in their own room then they get used to it and enjoy having their own space as well as allowing the adults to have their own space as well, how can a relationship work when the adults have no time to spend together without their children, every couple needs to spend time together away from their children and i don't see why this would affect the children in any way if a child is loved then they will know they are and do not need to be with their parents every minute to know that they are cared about. Children need to understand that adults need to spend quality time with each other, when this does not happen it can often result in the end of a good relationship because communication breaks down between them.

Answer 6

I completely agree! In Westernized societies it's almost some sort of taboo. Many more people actually co-sleep than admit to it (I suspect). I don't understand what the problem is. It's as if we are so focused on independence, we force babies and ourselves to go completely against nature. Babies need their parents. They are made that way. They need to eat often and mom has their food.

Not only do they need the closeness for feeding, it has been proved that proper bonding affects a myriad of things concerning how functional a person is as an adult. How did this get twisted around? Why on earth should a baby or child be expected to fend for themselves (I'm speaking about emotionally) at certain times of the day?

I think people are beginning to come around. People like Dr. Sears (well-known pediatrician) are now advocating co-sleeping. New studies prove that co-sleeping in fact reduces the risk of SIDS. It's probably far out, but how much lobbying (of government and doctors) do you think the crib companies do? Hmmm...? I say discard advice that doesn't work for you or your family and do what you think is right and natural. It's a big issue with me and I honestly wonder why things are the way they are.

Answer 7

I completely agree! Our two year old's bed is right next to ours, and she has the choice of which bed to get into. She more often than not chooses her own bed, but on the nights when she just wants a cuddle then she can come in with us. I don't have another room to put her in(Darned council won't fix the problems with it) but even if I had another room, Idoubt that she would go into it until she got older anyway.

I think that the Victorian value should be dropped and that we should really look into parenting our children instead of putting them in different rooms to lie in the dark all alone!

Answer 8

I believe that everyone is different, and every family has their own structured way of life. If a child has problems with night terrors, I believe that it is imperative to try and do anything and everything you can think of to help them overcome their fears. Childrens fears are real. Even though we may think they are silly; to our children they are real, and every child who experiences this, deserves to be embraced with more love and security, even if it means having them sleep with you, or in the same room in a different bed. I know that children need to learn independence, but it will be hard for them to learn if they are scared. YES, I believe we should think about our children. Even though I was 5-10 years old, whenever I went to visit my Granny and Papo, and I got scared at night and asked if I could sleep in their room on the cot, and they would always embrace me with love, and always let me stay in their room when I needed the comfort and security. I'll never forget that. While other family members didn't do that, my grandparents did and I always felt safe with them. They were my sanctuary. :-)

Answer 9

My children slept in a cot next to the bed (most of the time) when they were tiny, sometimes they would sleep in with me and they went into their own rooms when they were about 18m - 2. Each of them has a small double bed giving loads of room for my husband or I to lie down and have cuddles and do reading or to sleep with them if they are not well.
Now they are good at going to bed and having their own space, they sleep well (most) of the time they are also secure and happy with their own company, which for me is important too!
If they are scared or they wake up they trot into our bed and climb in and we usually all go to sleep, No stress, no problems! BUT..
Making a rule for yourself about how they sleep is more likely to cause stress than anything else, hard enough some nights as a parent trying to get quality sleep, but I cannot see any problem with all being comfortable and asleep (unless one of you is stressed) If you choose to sleep with your child though I think you need to make a real effort to give yourself time away from your child and to show your husband that the 2 of you are important too! it is really good for you in the long term, even if being parted from your child for long enough to go to the loo seems too long now!!!!

Answer 10

I'm from the US ...and we developed the same strict views as the Brits in many ways.

I had both my kids in my bed until I quit nursing. #1 was 12 mos, #2 was 6 mos. This also had to do w/ the fact that they were sleeping through the night, so I wasn't going to get them & bring them to bed - they were happy in their own all night.

I see the advantages & disadvantages.

If my child had a nightmare, I'd welcome them in my bed for comfort. But other than that they belong in their own room - they need to know how to deal with things on their own, like going back to sleep. In my mind it's about independence.

Plus, I enjoy some privacy w/ the hubby. ;)