My daughter in law wants to control everything?

Question

my son is really sick with a new cancer. my daughter in law wants me to watch the boys so she can tend to things,and I dont mind that, except she gives me orders instead of asking and before I flew out to help if i call the hospital and he had a visitor she wouldnt let me talk to him or tell him I was on the phone. He was 1800 miles away. How can I get along with her so she won't upset my son with our disagreements?

Answer 1

At first I was going to give an answer along the lines of "Tell her to quit being a bit** and let you see your son", but then I read the answer from tjnstlouismo and realized that your daughter in law is probably scared to death and is doing what she can to control what she can control since she cannot control her husband's health. She is probably feeling very protective of him and doesn't realize that he also needs to be able to see as many people who love and support him as possible. tjnstlouismo had a good idea about sitting down with her and talking it out calmly.

Answer 2

I'm sorry about your son's illness.
What i think is that your daughter-in-law is very upset, scared, and worried about your son, so she may not be quite aware of the tones that she is using. What i can say is that i know it concerns your own son too and that you are just as worried, but try to tolerate alittle on her attitude. People react to stress very differently, after the shock and digesting the bad news, people can be roughly grouped into 2 catogery, and your daughter-in-law, falls into the one that makes her need to stay in control so that she does'nt panic and totally breakdown.When grasping for control, she lashes out or gives orders unintentionally. And she attachs herself to your son so tighlty that she find that she needs to protect him against everything (which includes you and maybe even her own children). The phone may be a very good gadget, but in most cases, fights/quarrels rarely can be settled over the phone. So just go over there, give her a hug, talk to her nicely and understandingly, let her know you will be there supporting her and she is not the only one carrying the emotional burden. Make her see that you too has the responsibility and the need to be there for your son. She is pretty tightly wound up right now and she is quite blind to alot of things, and that includes you, being the mother of her husband.
You will both need each other to support your son and balance the emotion burden throughout this period.
Good luck.
I sincerely hope that your son will recover reallly soon. (^.^)

Answer 3

This is a tough situation. Before I give my advice, I want to ask a few leading questions. How was your relationship with your DIL prior to your sons illness? Sometimes people try to control the environment around them out of fear for the situation they find themselves in. Could this be a defense mechanism? I realize he is your son, but please try to look at the situation from her point of view for a second: she married this man and they have children together. She is probably scared to death! I would sit down and talk to her at her home and let her know that you would like to be able to spend a little more time with your son in the hospital. I am sure she is feeling overwhelmed right now. Please try to be patient with her, and give her a little time to adjust. Also, you made the comment "How can I get along with her so SHE won't upset my son with our disagreements?" First, it takes two to disagree, and second, how do you know she is telling your son about the disagreements? She may not want to burden him with that. The two of you need to work that out amongst yourselves. Her concern for her husband and your concern for your son could be the common ground the two of you need to call a truce!

Answer 4

A lot of them are so rude because they look at you like the other woman, and someone else's child. I don't believe they are all so mean but we've been cursed with the Mother In Law stories from decades ago. So we kind of brace for shock before we even get one. My MIL has done some senseless things in the past but I know she's not an evil woman or anything (at least I think). As for your little one, I think it's beautiful that you want to name her after your Mom. It's very rude and cruel that your MIL can't understand that. It just shows what type of person she is that's all. Name your baby what your heart tells you to.

Answer 5

Your daughter in law has allot going on right now. Her husband is in the hospital with cancer and she I am sure his health is her first concern in addition she has children to worry about. I do not think she is thinking straight and not looking to control everything. She could say things in a better way to you but you need to know she is in charge. So for your son's sake be a help rather then give more stress to your daughter in law who is in fear of her husband having cancer.

Answer 6

I would probably try sorting this from a 'compassionate' side - the fact that you are his mother and I feel should have as equal 'access' to him as she does, if you go the wrong way about this you could cause problems for yourself and your son. Just say to her that you understand that she is under a lot of stress and would like to help out where you can, however, it is important for your son to be able to talk/see you as well as sometimes when a person is sick - they may just want to have there mum around. Say that it would give her a break from the 'sickness' Hopefully she will realise that she is cutting you out a bit.

Answer 7

How was your relationship BEFORE his problem?
Was she rude to you??Were you able to speak to him on the phone??

If not, I guess she is just too worry to mind her manners.
If never was great, I guess she now found a excuse to not be nice to you at all.

You could try to say ¨please¨ after she gives you a order, just like we do with kids; that would remind her that she isn´t being polite.
That´s a very hard situation because both of you are suffering with your son´s disease but she probably sees you as an enemy, somebody whom will take over and she wants to be beside him every minute.
Show her that you are happy that she is making the impossible to keep him happy and confidant that everything will be ok, show her your support, she might change her opinion about you...

Answer 8

Keep your mouth shut and do what she says. In a few weeks sit down with a cup of tea and ask her how she is holding up. Then tell her how scared you are for him too. Your daughter in law is trying to keep it together for your son's family. Please forgive her for being controlling at this time.