Should I seek help? If so then how would I get it?

Question

Okay, I'm not quite your average teenager(or maybe I am, no one is sure yet), I'm ALWAYS sad. I cut myself with razors, beat myself up, and constantly have a very low sense of self-esteem. I'm in the last stages of summer away from school, and insted of having fun with my friends, I tend to go to a room turn the light off, turn my mp3 player on, and laydown entirely unvisible under a blanket. And here's the kicker, everytime I'm about to tell someone how I feel, my emotions go on the defensive and I put out a happy sence of feeling. Is it just that on some sub-concious level I don't want to be happy? People say my life is good.....but I don't really think so. I tend to shy away from help and people entirely, without even knowing it. I have a theripist, and a loving mother that are willing to listen......but im not willing to say anything. I believe my mother(diva_dan74) is the only reason I haven't killed myself yet. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 1

No you are definitely not your average teenager. I saw that right off some days ago when I saw the advice you gave someone whom was also despondent over something in their life, and....you gave that person great advice!

I can't explain *why* you feel as you do. If I had to guess I'd say it's because you are growing and developing and changing big time, into the person you will become.

Here's how I see it....and bear with me. This may sound silly, but it fits and a demonstrative way to make my point.

Say you make a glass of chocolate milk. Say you have the milk in a clear glass. You put in your favorite chocolate mix and start stirring.

As you stir it you see clumpy swirls of milk and chocolate mixing around and for a brief time the mixture doesn't look like anything. It doesn't look like milk, and it doesn't really look like chocolate milk either. In fact it's a chaotic swirling mess.

But if you keep stirring it everything blends together nicely and you end up with a very nice glass of cold, tasty chocolate milk. A great treat that almost everyone enjoys.

You are this mixture right now my friend. You are growing and changing and you are a chaotic, swirling mass of chemistry and dna.

Give yourself a break and don't be too hard on yourself. The difference between you and the chocolate milks is ---- self-awareness. You can see things happening to yourself, but the chocolate milk can't.

I'm guessing that you are extremely bright. You have more energy and an active mind that has no place to go. Maybe boredom is your enemy right now. You want attention (*maybe*) but you don't want it from your mother. You want and need it from elsewhere. Where is that, and who is it? I don't know......maybe a stranger that can open up thoughts and ideas to you that you couldn't get at home. Maybe a teacher, maybe a friend of the family....hard to say.

The people that say your life is good don't understand what is happening, and are making assessments half-heartedly. They see you strictly as a 13 yr old...a kid. To them you should be doing this and that and having a totally care-free life. Not true....being a teen-ager is TOUGH. It was tough for me. I had a great childhood (looking back), but I had many, many times that I didn't understand or know how to deal with then.

Most adults are so unhappy with their life they can only see being a 'kid' again as nothing but good and fine and care-free......not true.

I never cut myself or did anything like that, but I did find a constructive channel for my energy. We lived in the country so we could do a lot of things was not a problem like it is today. You do so much as fart in the wrong direction today and they will swoop down on you and lock you away for 500 yrs. My friends and I messed around with all kinds of things...like rockets for instance.

We were extremely careful with that we did tho. We never had an accident, we never hurt any animals and we didn't damage anyone's property. I was taught how to be responsible with a gun and bow and how to handle things, people and animals with care and respect...and if I didn't...I had my dad to deal with.....and that meant I'd get my a.s.s beat. Not literally, but he taught me to fear and respect, which is a necessary part of living in our world. He did things right. Unfortunately it's rarely done anymore, or it's over-done.

So, I learned how to do things right. Being a boy in the country I had the latitude to do all kinds of things. The house almost burned down one time, but that was my cousin....not me! lol

Anyway.....find your channel. Maybe you could volunteer your time to someone less fortunate. How about reading over math or physics texts? How about going to a university and asking if you can do something to help in a lab over the summer.

How about being a tutor to someone......maybe building things out of wood.....metal....being creative that way. Find a chess partner......how about drawing...painting, or sculpting?

You are a pretty smart guy. You are trapped in apathy. So use to living in a vacuum that you've accepted that to a degree, but your energy won't be harnessed.

Cutting yourself isn't cool. Cut clay....or wood...or paint or draw instead. You may need to push yourself a little......so get going and do it.

Don't make me have to come over there....or I'll have to kick your a.s.s for you. Don't waste yourself this way. The world needs *smart* people.

Answer 2

I guess your mother has noticed the cuttings and bruises. Also you say that you have a therapist so you and others are aware that you need help. Why you refuse to speak with either your mom or therapist is an issue in and of itself. You do seem somewhat able to open up to someone you cannot see and do not know.

Do you keep a diary and do you write your thoughts (truthfully) in it? If so perhaps you can give it to your mom or therapist to read when you're not there. Or, tell your therapist that you would feel better if you could talk with no one in the room. He could start a tape recorder and you could just talk. He could listen after you leave. This would give the therapist a better idea of a plan of recovery for you.

If you don't open up soon you will end up seriously hurting yourself which I bet would devastate your mom and it sure sounds like you don't want to do that.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Hi there,
You mentioned that your seeing a therapist already and are close to your mother. This is a great start!
Now, what I suggest you need to do is to start being honest about how you are feeling. you have pretended to be happy so much of the time that it has come second nature to you, when inside you feel like dying.
sweetheart, the reason why you cut yourself is because your trying to cope with everything that is going on within you. Please start to try and talk honestly about what is going on no matter what.
These things will not get better unless you realize that trying to be happy when you are not is hurting you.

Answer 4

How do I say this with out airing out my dirty laundry?
HMMMM
I was like you when I was a teen, very depressed and hid behind my headphone with them wide open and when others wanted to talk to me I would close up and not talk. As you said, "I would put on my happy face." I too had a therapist, and I told them my problem which in my case was the kids at school picking on me. My therapist wanted to put me on meds and told me to ignore it. I didn't take the meds and my attitude towards her was F** you.
Years later in my adult hood my depression got worse. I couldn't hold a job, nor could I handle everyday task. Soon I had 4 nervous break downs. In 2001 I became a cutter. Between 2001-2006 I have cut myself 14 times.
After the last time I cut myself which was to the bone and it required 9 stitches enturanle and 9 exturale. I wrote out a list of where I cut myself, how many inches it was, were it was located on my body and my motive behind it. Not this on I feel down the stairs or I cut it while slicing food BS. I wanted the real motive. Like for ex my first cut was becaue my boyfriend broke up with me and I couldn't stand the pain of seeing myself cry. Any ways after the list was written I turned it in the my theripist who turned it in to my psychiatrist. The next time I went in I asked him why I was a cutter and he asked me why I thought I was. I said because I can't take the metal pain no more so I take it out on me phyically. He said that that was something like it. he said that people who cut themselves have years of pain stored inside and if the pain is not dealt with they will take it out on themselves by harming themselves. You do need to speak with your doc about this. There are meds to help you with this.' Good Luck
I am on meds now and my depression is better and i have not cut myself in a year now. So I now first hand meds do work.

Answer 5

not saying anything will never get to the root of what is eating at you....you speak of your mother, but where is your father...I have a feeling there is something to do with that, that could possibly have you feeling like you do....if that is true. there are so many issues you could be questioning. that you don't feel you will ever get an answer to or "let lying dogs lie", ya' know put behind you. so you think "cutting" yourself is helping, well it isn't obviously now is it....you are stuck in a self induced routine, and possibly enjoy being miserable. Your mother is the only reason you haven't killed yourself. My friend, that is the easy way out for you. But a wimps way of handling life!
So you leave some pathetic sad note behind, for your mother to cry over the rest of her days, because you were selfish, and instead of getting your head out of your @ss, you decide to end "your suffering" when there are way more people on this planet who have it 100 times worse than you do....If your father isn't in the picture, that isn't your fault. If your folks are divorced, that isn't your fault. Lots of things, aren't your fault. It is just the way life goes. But you are at fault if you don't want to do the hard stuff, and get your sh!t together and quit wasting your time sulking in your room all by yourself. Before you know it YEARS will have passed you by, and what the hell did all that isolation get you. More misery, cause now, your an older miserable unfulfilled person, who will cry "poor me" till he's in his 50's. Well that sure seems like a fun life, no it doesn't....Who is benefiting from the way your looking at life. No one, especially you....I'm not going to sit and baby you, aw you need this and you need that.....Life sucks sometimes. Yes it friggen does. But giving up is the easy way out. It is a hell of a lot harder to live than to give up my friend. How would you like to be living in a third world country, where no mp3 player, no room to go to, no covers to hide under.....Your out at the crack of dawn working the fields to help your family EAT.....
Man, a lot of people have it hard dude, Welcome to Life!!!!!!
Get your head out of your @ss and quit feeling sorry for yourself, and make YOURSELF proud and accomplish something...YOU have to want to change. And change is scary. But once you DO it, and see Oh wow, what was I thinking, you just may find there is a hell of a lot of living to be done!!! You haven't met the people that will be glad to know you, or date you etc. yet.....how could you hiding under your covers.......If what your presently doing isn't working or making you happy, then that tells you something now doesn't it, doing something different with your life sure couldn't be worse then the miserable one your enabling yourself to have now, now would it.......put the sad or anti whatever music away, and get out of the house, get a part time job, just change things.......
Anything is possible if YOU change your direction, outlook, and goals in life.....nothing out of the ordinary, just TRY man!!!!!!!!!

Answer 6

You are in a state of depression, Go to the health department in you're town and tell them you need help. Just tell the same thing you wrote in your notes they will help you find some one you can talk to. some times your family or friends cant help when some one else can. So be smart get some one else to help you. They have private places to help you get back on the road to recovery. Do this for you and your precious mother.
Queen Bee

Answer 7

Disagree.... just because you might be seeking for something doesn't then mean you are also sought. And if you are sought, it doesn't mean you are also seeking. Some people are not seeking or sough! Its not connected. A mouse is sought by a cat..... but the mouse is NOT seeking for the cat, its trying to AVOID it. I think that which is sought trys to avoid being seeked!

Answer 8

you need a little courage here. courage to speak up and admit to your mom and therapist what's going on. it's tough at first. worrying about what they'll think and stuff but, it's the only way to move on. go ahead, tell them. they won't judge you.
many people who've never dealt with depression can't understand it. they see your life as good b/c they only see the outside but,your therapist does understand. that's why he/she does this type of thing. come on, get out from under the covers and live. i'll bet there's quite a few people who miss you. peace.

Answer 9

Yes you need to be open with your therapist and talk! Try to write it down and let them read it! I did it that way the first few times I actually left the room while they read it! Its awkward to tell a strange about how you feel but I really think you need to let someone know! You told us so copy this and print it! Give it to your doctor! Don't give up on yourself your feeling are yours and they are legitimate! Please STOP cutting yourself!

Answer 10

I've been feeling the same exact way forever. I just got a therapist, but its not realling helping. I know everything your feeling, but I don't have such a loving mother. Tell your therapists, trust me, you will feel better in the end.