Did I over react? (This may be long Sorry but Help!)?

Question

My boyfriend and I have been together over a year. We live together and we have never fought. He hurt my feelings for the first time, I don't think he meant to but he did. Friday night we some how get into the conversation about sex and dating. I told him that I was happy to take a different approach with him and waited to have sex and that before I kinda would sleep with a guy first then make my decesion on liking him or not afterwards. I have never felt ashamed of this. This bugged him and it went onto saturday morning because I asked him about it and he said "well I made sure I stayed away from people like that in highschool." Boy, did I get mad and he knew I did the moment I got silent. I was trying so hard not to cry and I told him to leave me alone. I don't know if i over reacted, but for that moment he just made me feel the way an ex would, like a whore. It's still bothering me. It was such a terrible flashback of the bad relationship before him. Now I feel disconnected :(

To Everyone: I keep forgetting I could add more stuff after writing.

He knew how I was before meeting him. He knew that I had a terrible relationship with someone right before him. He was a virgin and I understand he will never understand (for now) what it is to have casual sex.

I guess maybe part of me feels crappy about all meaningless sex I've had in the past, but why should I feel bad about it? I never have until my ex and I haven't felt like that for more than a year until he said what he said.

We're also okay. I've taken a step back and become a little quiet but we are on good terms, just don't know how to approach the situation because any time my ex would get mad, I'd just yell at him to stop being such a bastard.

Answer 1

What you did in your past is in your past for a reason. Sounds like to me that he is holding this over your head. That's not fair at all. My b/f does that to me right now. I don't even get mad no more b/c I am no where near the person who I used to be. Granted when you start getting into the opposite sex some have a tendency to do things that you wouldn't think at the time would haunt you. But unfortunately it does in certain cases. Do I think you overreacted? Hell no!! You are still traumatized from ya last relationship. It takes a long time to get over terrible things. I myself have been in a few abusive ones and I still have bad flashbacks. What helps me is I pray on it and I do some breathing techniques when I feel one coming on. It has helped me out for years now and I've been with my b/f for 7 yrs. Just relax darling. You are not the old you anymore. Men gonna get on ya nerves regardless. Ignore it and don't entertain it!!! Good Luck Sweetie

Answer 2

It's never a good idea to talk about previous sexual encounters with someone you love. It makes them think of you as cheap and easy and also creates jealousy. Tell him that you only behaved that way because that's how guys behave and it's OK for them to do it but not a girl. Anyway once you met him you changed because you realised your feelings for him. You're obviously not like that now and, after all these are liberated times. Ask him if he ever had sex with someone before you. If so then he's being a little hypocritical. If not then his feelings are understandable. Ultimately you shouldn't have to apologise for the way you were before you met him. It's your life and you can't change the past. Presumably at the time it was a decision you made to behave in that way but now you're different. Tell him you love him and he's got to accept you for what you are not what you were. On the assumption that he calms down and things return to normal don't ever mention your previous sex life and don't ask him about his. There are some things better forgotten. Hope it works out for you. Good luck.

Answer 3

Stop picking at it, like a sore! You will heal and then some fine day you may be ready to tell him how it all made you feel.
It looks like you are beating up on yourself with some kind of latent guilt you have tucked away regarding those former relationships. He did not want to hear a reference to them and punished you by his remark. There is no need to have all that guilt. All those relationships meant nothing to you, but you might try some sensitivity towards your boyfriend and not mention former boyfriends in a sexual context. When I first got together with my husband (I'm wife #4 for him and he is my 2nd husband), we made an agreement that we would not discuss our previous sex lives. Since then, he breaks our little agreement from time to time and I never do. I talk about the former ones but not the sex!!!!! Men are much too fragile for that. If you want to talk about sex, talk to your female contacts (but not about the man you are with at the time) or people on here anonymously. It's not so tough to draw that line, is it? He must respect you, because you are together. Don't let this throw you, and don't force yourself to take too close a look at that former poisonous relationship until you are ready for it. Hugs.

Addition: Do not ask him to tell you about previous sexual encounters (unless he came across a woman with 3 breasts), especially if there was a great deal of intimacy and caring, and don't try to reason with him. Just try to form a working agreement on how you two will handle the subject in the future.

Answer 4

If he already knew about your past, it was cruel of him to act this way. You have every right to be offended.

If he did not already know about your past, it came as a shock to him and I understand why he said what he did, but he may have been revealing that you two are not really compatible. That's good to know now, but you will have to decide whether you should be together. As painful as leaving him might be, you may decide it is necessary.

If he was trying to make a joke, it wasn't funny, and he should have know that. In this case, you're probably right to be upset, but the upshot of the episode doesn't have to be as serious as the previous examples. Forgive him if you want to: It might all work out.

Good luck.

Answer 5

Men sometimes have a Madonna/Whore complex when it comes to the one they love. I think your reaction is normal in the fact that it makes you feel that your past behaviour is that of a loose woman, a whore. Just remind him of how you saw the light and changed your approach with him because you knew he was special.

Answer 6

I think it is easy to get into disagreements about things that have happened in the past when it comes to other sexual relationships. He probably didn't want to hear anything about other men, and I think he overreacted as well. You will work it out, don't worry about it, and don't talk about other men.

Answer 7

Well if you've been living together for a year and this is your first fight with him then you're doing better than most of us,lol. I would calmly try to talk to him about everything.

Answer 8

You need to reevaluate your lifestyle. If you aren't comfortable with it, then how can you expect anyone else to be comfortable with it. You are disconnected. You'll have to have an extremely strong bond to overcome this. Counseling could help if both of you are willing.

Answer 9

well, you told him what you used to do (sleep with guys) and he told you what he used to do (avoid girls who slept with guys). Getting all upset over all this isn't going to do any good. If sleeping with guys never bothered you before, why are you letting it bother you now? He didn't make you feel anything, it was your own guilty conscience. You either have to let it go, or let him go.