Is there a tactful way to ask my bridesmaid to step down?

Question

About a year ago, my boyfriend and I got engaged; we immediately set the date for late October 2007. The night that we announced our engagement to our parents, I excitedly called many of my friends to tell them the good news. Along the way, I mentioned to a few of my closer girl friends that I wanted them to be bridesmaids, including a girl I've been okay friends with for a few years. In the year since then, we've hardly spoken to her at all...or rather,she's hardly spoken to us. If I call her, she only talks for a few minutes, and never calls me back; if I comment her on MySpace or Facebook she doesn't respond;and all in all, we've grown apart immensely. At the same time,my sister and I,who were never very close before, have gotten very close and talk very often. I would really like to replace the mutual friend with my sister,but I don't know if there's any tactful way to handle the situation other than just accepting it. Am I stuck with this fair-weather friend as a bridesmaid?

Answer 1

While not always tactful, honesty is the best way to go.. but lets put a spin on it.

Tell her about your sister and how you have become much closer, point out the long conversations and the frequent phone calls.

If you feel you have to lie, then tell her you want to do it as it would really make your parents happy.

Overall understand this. It is your wedding. You are the bride, you can change anything you want, as often as you want. Thats one of the perks of being the bride.

Answer 2

You could just ask her outright if she's still interested in being your bridesmaid, because you haven't had much of an opportunity to talk or get together over the past year. Make it seem like it was maybe her "idea". Say, "You know, I realize that being a bridesmaid can sometimes be a lot of work, and I wouldn't be offended if you'd rather just come as a guest instead of being in the bridal party itself." If she does say she wants to still be a bridesmaid, then just let it be.
**You know, there's no reason why you still can't have your sister. Ask her anyway. Even if the sides aren't even, so what? My wedding had two more men than women, and we just had a couple of the bridesmaids double up for the walk back down the aisle. It worked out just fine, and we had all of our loved ones in the wedding.

Answer 3

Lets me say THIS IS YOUR WEDDING, and you can do what you want!! If she is not that good of friend she probably could care less anyway!!! Have you had her fitted for the dress?
If you have not recently spoke to her regarding the wedding don't mention it to her and go on with having your sister as the bridesmaid!!! If she cannot even answer your calls then forget her,bridesmaids are for real friends who do call you back!!!! And if you have contacted her recently just call her and say hey, I hate to do this and I don't want to upset you but my sister really wants to be my bridesmaid so we are going to put her in place of you, i hope you understand but we have grown apart this past year and i really want my sister standing up with me!!!
I would not even think twice about her and go on making my plans without her!!!
And don't feel bad ,things change in a year so unless you have mentioned her for sure being a bridesmaid while coordinating the wedding move on and don't look back!!!
Congratulations and good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 4

Well it seems to me that your "friend" is no longer interested in being your bridesmaid or being your friend. Did you already said the last word ... meaning like have dresses picked up for them? And i would really replace them, because it is your day. You have to enjoy it, make it special for yourself and do what makes you happy.
Plus your sister is a part of your family she will always be there for you, and i think she would really appreciate that gesture. And i don't think years after the wedding you want to regret it, because as it sounds you are not going to see your friend much after that if at all.
There is probably no tactful way of telling her, i always prefer eye to eye, its the hardest but also the most fair way, call her see if she is willing to go for coffee, if not that i guess you are left with telling her on the phone or writing an email.
Good luck! And congratulations!

Answer 5

Would you settle when it came to your husband? No! At least I hope not so you shouldn't have to settle for anything less when it comes to YOUR big day. So I'd definitely say to give this bridesmaid the boot. If it makes you happier and the day more special then have your sister in the wedding. OR you could have both of them in the wedding??!!! Honesty is the best way to go with this. Tell her that you feel you've grown apart and you would rather her attend than be in it. Hope this helps some! Good luck and congratulations!!

Answer 6

Call her and tell her that you have a situation with your upcoming wedding and need your sister to replace her as a bridesmaid. However, offer to let her take part in the wedding as serving cake or something like that. This way she is still part of it and will not feel left out. I would do the same. The people in your wedding are close relatives and friends. This has posed a problem. Tell her that things have changed in your wedding and that you need her to do whatever if she wants to do it and that your sister will be your bridesmaid. Times have changed. She may even be greatful that she doesn't have to be in it now.

Answer 7

Have you already told her what dress you have picked out or any details of the wedding? If not then just simply do nothing and if she asks about it tell her that you assumed she was no longer interested since she doesn't even talk to you for more than a few minutes at a time. If you have already included her in wedding details and she has paid for the dress then you just need to tell her that you really don't feel you have much of a friendship left and have little in common with each other and since you have gotten closer with your sister you have decided to have her be in the wedding instead. Of course you will need to reimburse her for any expense she has already gone to. If her feelings get hurt then you can't be the blame for that since she is the one who has basically ignored you.

Answer 8

I am going through the same thing. You should check out the one question I just asked...those people really helped me out. I have been having problems with my BM's too. My MOH is my best friend and she had a baby in Jan. She is very insecure after that about her baby....she didn't feel comfortable! But now, 6 months later she is back in the wedding...after she tried on the dress that I bought her and just held on to it.

Another thing is...your sister should come first. My sister and I are the same way...but you should just tell this friend that your sister and you have become close, and that it would mean the world to you and her if she was in it. She will understand. She may get mad or upset, but I will tell you this...at least she isn't your best friend.

Good luck because now all the stressful stuff is about to begin. I am a bride in September and I am getting just crazed with stuff to do. I have been having nightmares too. Good luck...

Congratulations as well!

Answer 9

I am not sure what the proper etiquette is for this situation. You didn't say whether you are providing the bridesmaid dresses or if your friends are purchasing their own. Has she spent any of her own money towards the wedding? I would simply call your friend and tell her that you want your sister to take her place. If your friend has spent any of her money on a gown or anything towards the wedding, offer to pay her the money back. It is your wedding, and ultimately your decision. If she doesn't like it or gets upset (and she may) that is her prerogative. You have the right to change your mind at any time on who is in the wedding party. Good luck!

Answer 10

It's YOUR wedding day and you deserve to have the people up there you want standing there next to you. If you've lost touch with this friend, I don't think it would be that much of a surprise. Plus, you'd want to replace her with your sister...not a random friend.

You would just have to be OK with the fact that it might upset her so much that she wouldn't come to the wedding.

I think you could say something like this...

[Insert friend's name], there's no good way of saying this, but I've put a lot of thought into this, and I would really like to have my sister in my wedding. I'd like to keep the wedding party at [x amount of people] and since you and I haven't been incredibly close this past year, I didn't think you would mind if my sister was a bridesmaid instead of you having to be. I stil would love for you to be there on this special day, and I know it's an awkward request. It's just how I feel and wanted to be honest with you.

Hope this helps!