Advise on low self esteem in a 3 year old?

Question

My son's preschool teacher thinks that my son who is 3 has low self esteem. I don't understand why. He always gets attention when we go out and at home. My husband and I always praise him for a job well done. Anyway does anyone know what I can do to help him with this?

His teacher is not putting down my parenting skills or putting my son down. She states that he stays to himself a lot while the other kids play together and when she tries to teach the class something new he is the first one to say " I can't do it" without even trying.

Answer 1

Well the "I can't do it" thing has been happening w/ my daughter for a long time too. But she is easily frustrated and would rather not even try than to fail. Someone told me she's a "lazy perfectionist"... after I was over being mad at this statement, it actually made some sense to me.

3 yr olds don't always have to be social butterflies. If he's quiet and to himself, that could just be his personality. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Outside sources of praise is helpful for fostering self-esteem, but what really matters is what he thinks of himself. Let him try new and easy things that you know he can master to build up his confidence, notice, smile, & thumbs up - but don't go over the top w/ the praise.

Answer 2

A low self-esteem can be a reasonable assessment by a child's teacher. It does not reflect negatively on the child nor on the parents. Nor should it be considered a judgement on the teacher's part. By the very description of self-esteem, it is how the child views himself that is at issue and is not necessarily connected to the outside attention and praise that he receives from others. Many 3 year olds do like to play and interact with others. Some, however, are more content with playing alone or with only one person at a time. This is not necessarily a sign of low self-esteem, but could just be an integral part of the child's personality. Being the first in a group to say "I can't" is sometimes a defense mechanism developed by overly sensitive children or is a result of an incident when the child felt out of control, confused, and/or embarassed and was unable to work through it. It is common for children to act and react differently with others and in other settings than they do at home and with their parents. Throughout your child's schooling you will want to keep open communication between you and his teachers. If the behavior he exhibits at school is different than anything you have noticed at home, it is important to be honest with his teacher about this. The behavior his teacher is observing may be a result of something that happened at school that his teacher is unaware of and he is still too little to have the communication skills needed to express. I suggest a meeting with your son's teacher to discuss this issue without your son present. Even if he is not at the table with you, but still in the same room, he may not be old enough to understand the words, but he is old enough to know you are talking about him and there is something wrong. I suggest that you let him play at a friend's or stay with grandma and do not even tell him that you are going to talk to his teacher. If what she describes your son's behavior as being is different than anything you have seen, you may have to make a tough decision. As a parent, I would ask what she suggests can be done to help this situation. As a teacher, I would be prepared with several plans of action. Not all 3 year olds are quite ready for preschool. If he is not responding well in the preschool setting, you may find it necessary to withdraw him and wait until he is 4 to try preschool again. You may request that the director of the preschool be in attendance during your meeting with the teacher. Sometimes another professional's observations and recommendations are invaluable when it comes to working out a problem. If the preschool is set up for this, you may be able to come in and observe him in class without him knowing you are there. His behavior may be the result of numerous reasons and it may take some time to determine if it is just a stage he is going through or if some intervention is necessary.

Answer 3

It sounds like you are doing everything right with the attention and praising him for a job well done maybe he's just a little shy right now which is making her think he has low self esteem. I have a 3 year old girl who is a bit on the conceited side. But what I have always done with her and I've probably done it a little much but almost every thing that she does she gets a lot of praise for. She draws a picture and it is "the most beautiful picture" she gets dressed in the morning and she is "so gorgous" maybe if you kick these comments up a bit to the point of almost ridiculous it will help! I hope this helps!

Answer 4

I think that is normal and not low self esteem really.... my son did that (still does on occasion, he's 6 now) - and we've come to realize its because he's somewhat of a perfectionist - if he doesn't think he can do something right or perfect on the first try, he doesn't want to try it. He'll either say he can't do it, or doesn't want to, whatever. My son is also a very cautious child. I'm assuming your son is your first child? Mine is, and I was a first child as well, so I have the same issue, lol!!

I wouldn't get overly concerned with it, just keep doing what you are doing, gently encourage him to try new things, praise him as you are.... he'll grow out of it. I hope this helps!!

Answer 5

Well has he ever been allowed to fail at something or does someone always jump in to make it right or do it for him.?Kids have to fail to learn. What is there to be proud of if you ride the bike w/out falling over the first few times? Kids can not be so protected that they don't fail. Overcoming obstacles is just as important to building self esteem as always being praised.

Answer 6

What kind of certification does she have? She should not be making that diagnosis. That is not even her profession. I am a teacher and I would never presume to make that comment to a parent. You really should talk to her and see how she came to that conclusion. Then ask her what background education she has that leads her to believe this is true.

Added: Is she a TEACHER at a school or at a DAYCARE. If it is at a daycare, she does not have a 4 year degree or teaching certificate. Not saying she isn't good, but 4 years of college teaches you to mention what you OBSERVE, not what you "believe to be true", to parents. I really really would get a second opinion or go observe your son from the doorway where he can't see you. I know you don't like to hear it but that doesn't sound like something she should say to you.

Answer 7

My middle son (when he was 4) seemed to have this problem. I made a conscience effort to keep him from falling into the 'middle child syndrome' but his self esteem still seemed low. I found that more one on one time with him doing things he liked or new things he wanted to try helped.

It seemed as though it wasn't necessarily his view of himself that was the main problem, but he didn't know how to express himself or speak up on his own behalf. He needed to learn boldness, to know it was ok to disagree with something (in a proper way, of course), and that he could have his own opinion without being put down. He is now 18 and actually the most well balanced of my children.

I don't know if this has anything to do with your situation, but I hope it helps.

Answer 8

I would not assume she was trying to criticize your parenting, but I would wonder how a teacher came to this conclusion. Did she mention specific behaviors that caused her to think this? What type of training or certification does she have? If what she has to say makes sense you may consider asking her for information on resources that might help you get a more complete picture of what she is seeing. If a teacher mentioned something like this to me, I would want a professional's opinion; as well as suggestions.

Answer 9

I've had a little experience with the "I can't do that"'s. Sometimes it seems like they get used to not doing things for themselves if you take over every time they have a little trouble. Try doing some things which help him build more independence. Like picking which t-shirt to where in the morning, etc. Ask him to do a few very small chores alone, such as washing his hands before meals, putting his book back on the shelf, etc. As his independence increases you'll hear a lot fewer I can't do that's.

Answer 10

I have 3 girls 9,7,3yrs old. My 7 yrs old is the one that says she can't do it. most of the time I keep on encourage and give praises and I also told my husband to do the same . Just keep encourage him and show, tell him that it's okay to make mistakes. explain to him and do things together . Try to get his father involve too. playing games . show him that mommy makes a mistake it's ok . and show him how you learn from mistakes. get more involve with him. probably he has fear you have to ask him and help him to overcome his fear or problems. give a try.. tell me how it's coming.