How can I help a child to grow up?

Question

I am fostering a child whose emotional age seems to be around 4 - 5, even tho he is almost 9. He shows off, seeks attention, looks babyish in front of children his own age, still cuddles teddies, it is difficult for him to make friends with normal children. My heart goes out to him because he has no friends. He even slops and spill like a 4 year old. I am being laid back with him and giving him time. There is so little professional support. Am I doing the right thing. How can I help him to grow up emotionally so that he can talk to his peers and make normal friends? He has had an unsettled home life, although his mum did her best. All you folk out there with normal kids. What should I do?? I definately don't want to criticise him.

Answer 1

Since he's 9 and can read,write and understand verbal instructions give him some "big boy" responsibilties around the house.. Have him pick his things for school lunch and pack it.. Same for dressing.. Have him help you around the house- dusting, vacuum or bringing laundry downstairs... When he has "Issues" or "behaviors" seperate him from the group if need be and explain "big boy" behavior.. He just needs some attention and guidance. In time when he doesn't get a reaction from you/other's it won't be a problem... He knows that baby's and toddler get all sorts of attention so he may be acting out because of a younger sibling or baby perhaps.. Although, I don't know the whole situation.. Be patient and kind, but enforce your rules and good behaviors.. I have a 1 and 3 yr. old and both help me "clean" the house by picking up their toys.. It's a small thing, but they love doing it, because I make it fun ! My 3 yr. old loves to help with the laundry. I hand it to him and he puts it in the dryer.. We also sort lights/darks as well... So a 9 yr. old should be able to help and be a part of the household... It will give him self esteem as well.. I would say maybe give an allowance, but I think children should help with the daily activities of the home w/o expecting money or gifts... Maybe a chart w/ stickers for good behavior and doing chores would be more appropriate... Good luck

Answer 2

I also think you are doing brilliantly. You sound like a very patient, caring person which is exactly what this child needs. All children need attention and I think changing the type of attention he gets is the best option. I agree that you should give him big boy responsibilities. When I met my stepson he was very babyish. He now enjoys being the responsible 8 year old that he has become. He had problems reading and I still sit him down and get him to try his hardest and constantly praise him for his efforts. I bought him educational dvd's that were also fun ie: the mr men alphabet hunt which helped him loads. He is very helpful around the house and helps me hoover and polish as i gave him these 'jobs' as his special responsibity and thats how he earns his pocket money. I opened him a bank account so all of the money he earns from his 'Hard work' he likes to pay in which makes him feel really grown up, he even goes to the counter by himself! Its hard work but very rewarding. Just keep trying and do one thing at a time. I beleive that good attention is the best attention a child can get. Praise him for his efforts and he will become more determined to try. My stepson has become very proud of his acheivements. We still have great fun as well.

Answer 3

Assuming there are no mental deficiencies, the emotional level of a person (child or otherwise) is dependent upon the way they are treated.

A child who does not have to grow up.... will not grow up.

There are 9 year olds out there that wake up every morning make breakfast, feed their baby sister, start a load of laundry, change a diaper, help little brothers off to school, go to school, come home do a grocery list, make dinner, clean up put the kids to bed..... and when you talk to them you'd swear you were talking to a 35 year old mom of 6 too!

This child most likely needs all the love you can give him. He needs to know that its all right to cuddle teddies and curl up with you on the couch and sleep with the light on. He also needs to know that when he is not at home with you he has to act a bit older. Home can be a safe haven, but at school he doesn't get to bring the toys, he has to act a bit older at church and not squirm around all the time or start yelling during the sermon.

Organized sports will also help a bit, soccer, or football, something team oriented. There he will be forced into a "friend" situation. I have coached soccer for 12 years, and have seen many 9yr olds sucking their thumbs, or start crying when they fall down. And when they are 13 and they fall down, they roll over jump up and run some more.

Also for friends, set up some play dates that aren't in the home setting. If your child is going to act like he's 5 at home, then home is not where he needs to interact with other kids. Go to the arcade, or the bowling alley, see a movie. Just do it in settings where he knows he has to act older.

Answer 4

I think you should speak to his teachers and social workers. Sounds like he probably has special needs and needs specialist help.
For the moment just giving him a secure, loving home life will be the best thing you can do for him. Its quite normal for any child to regress when they've had an upheaval in their life.
You may not be aware of what exactly he's been through. He will need time and patience. Show him how he should eat and give him plenty of praise and encouragement when he does something right.

Well done for doing such a hard job, you are right there isn't enough support for foster carers.

I've worked with children for over 10 years as a qualified nursery nurse.

Answer 5

It sounds like you are doing a great job. I think criticizing is the worse way to go about getting results. Studies show that the incentive program is what is best. Give sudle hints and have talks about what it is to get older. As he slowly responds, use different incentives to reward him. Instead of trying to get him to fit in with 'normal' children. Try to get him more involved in groups with similar backgrounds and different behavioral issues. This will help him feel 'normal' and less self conscious. When you compare him to his peers, he may get a sense that he is not good enough.

I'm not an expert, but I come from a rough background. I had little friends when I was younger and hardly connected to my peers. It was very much like this all the way through high school. It wasn't till I was in college and I had moved away from home and had some space before I was able to truly grow and find myself. I hope it won't take him till college, but he certainly won't change overnight. Goodluck! Just continue to be supportive.

Answer 6

Well, first, don't knock the teddy bears. A teddy bear can be a person's best friend. I won't go on my rant about that, but instead move on to...

Take him in to what professional support you can get. Perhaps a child psychologist or someone like that. He or she can give you the right information on 1) if your foster child has a learning disability of some sort that's holding him back and 2) whether or not he does, how best to deal with an emotionally immature child.

Answer 7

You need to treat him as a 9 year old.I know this sounds obvious but if you allow him to act like a 4 year old then he will.Children learn from adults(as well as other children)so the next time he eats like a 4 year old tell him that this is not acceptable.Explain why,and show him the right way to eat or drink.He may well have been devoid of attention for years so taking an interest in everything he does and says will also help him.Treat him as you would an adult and hopefully he will start to improve.I hope this helps in someway.Good luck .

Answer 8

Emotionally - no, infact they are staying children a lot longer than they used to - hundred years ago, they were expected to be out working jobs in the feilds or coal mines at 5 years of age, not having any education and getting married by 12 and having kids. Physically - maybe, girls are getting their periods sooner it seems. I think the fact that 11 year olds are running around bragging about sex PROVES that they are still little kids. Real mature people dont brag about it - thats only what immature people do. Some 20 year olds are still basically kids, these days.

Answer 9

I'm sorry to burst your bubble but the child is spoilt .

Turbulent as his life may have been discipline is a vital part of a child's road to security .

A child recognises strength and finds security when they know that strength is on their side .

Notice a child always runs to the parent he fears most when scared and runs to the parent that dotes when sulking .

Fair but firm is the rule all he really needs is to know what to expect in any given circumstance and that will comfort him no end .

Answer 10

Start teaching him what he's missing. Treat his emotional/social education like any other academic subject.

If he came to you doing math on a kindergarten level, you would have to start teaching him from that level, in order to get him caught up.

He's doing 'emotional behavior' on a kindergarten level. So, start teaching him the things that he missed so that he can catch up.

Spend as much time with him as possible, getting to know him & his way of learning. Do lots of little things with him to help him learn that he can trust you to teach him what he needs to know. Treat him with respect. Praise him when he makes progress.