My adult daughter and I have had a huge blow-up. To tell you the truth, I don't even know what caused it. Something about my computer not working right. She has always been very judgemental of me and can't handle the fact that I am not perfect, which I've admitted to her time and again. And neither is she! She criticizes everything I do. I have two other adult children and they can't believe that she is the way she is with me. It's been like this for quite awhile. I have apologized to her for whatever she thinks I have done wrong in my life. I have apologized for not being perfect. I believe I was a very good mother and did well for my kids, but it wasn't good enough for her. She blames me for everything that is wrong in her life, but then will say that her life is perfect. Everytime, we have one of these blow ups, I'm the one that will reach out to her and tell her that I love her unconditionally. I am so hurt, that I can't find the words this time.
2007-07-23 05:36:14 · 9 answers · asked by Funny Girl 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
And she knows that too. I have one of those, you aren't alone. Here's what I have learned so far. Never get involved with her personal business, not even to offer an opinon, unless she asks. If she asks, honestly answer, but if she critizes you or uses it to hurt you, simply tell her that she asked and in the future you won't answer in this way.
Don't ask her for help with anything. If she offers, fine, but never ever ask. Again she will simply use it against you. If she offers and then critizes or gets ugly about it, simply thank her and don't ask again.
Don't involve your other children in your issues with this daughter, do not complain to them, or expect them to support you. Not only does it put them in a bad position, frankly this drama is nothing new to them and they can't and shouldn't fix it.
Stop apologizing unless you can get specific. "I'm sorry that I picked out the wrong color for you" not "I'm sorry that I am such a horrible mother that I can't please you". She's manipulating you into these arguments and she knows your buttons. Stop questioning your parenting, they are grown, that part of parenting is over.
Understand that she is using you to blow off steam because she feels you are safe. She's got horrible self esteem, and every time she says you are doing something wrong, she's really talking about herself. She knows you will always forgive her, so she thinks she can talk to you any way she wants. Put a stop to that right now. If you allow her to pull you into an argument(it took me years to learn this), then DO NOT call her back or speak to her about it until she apologizes. Don't cut her out of your life, but simply do not speak about it. She'll eventually learn to call you, she needs you.
My guess is that when you argue she throws everything from her childhood in your face and you spend time trying to account for that. Stop her and tell her that you aren't going to discuss the past, only the issue at hand and in a reasonable way. She can't beat you up unless you let her.
This is going to require that you allow yourself to forgive yourself for not being a perfect person and mother. We all, and I mean EVERY MOTHER, has to do this at some point. We didn't get a manual when we had kids, we didn't get a film on raising them, and no one wants to talk about dealing with young daughters and their drama. Its not your fault, you did the best with what you had and if they aren't on drugs, pregnant with unwanted kids, or in prison, you did just fine.
She is going to keep blaming you for her failures and insecuries just as long as you let her. You stopped her from putting her hand in a flame or running across the street when she was little and didn't know the consequences of her actions. Now you have to do it again, only this time its personal. You have to show her that the consequences of her behavior and her actions are that she doesn't get to be a real part of your life. Be superficial when you talk to her, and get off the phone in seconds. Don't invite her to your home, don't ask for help, don't talk about her to her siblings and be upbeat and positive. Do not beg her or act like "pitiful Pearl", you are her mother, respect yourself even if she can't right now.
There is so much more, but in short, understand that her problem is not you, her problem is herself, but you can't tell her that or fix it. Just adjust your behavior and make real consequences for her behavior, hold her at arms length. Don't trust her apologies, they mean nothing, watch for changes in behavior.
Mine is learning slowly, she's had to depend on me in a way that was real humbling for her. There is hope but you have to be tough. Parenting is not for the faint of heart. Good luck, and keep working on it. She's worth it, she's your daughter.
2007-07-23 06:00:10 · answer #1 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 4⤊ 0⤋
Many of us have been in this place before. You seem to be at a point where you both need some time and space apart. A cooling off period can help you gain some perspective. It also sounds like you need to take the upper hand and insist she be more respectful. There is no such thing as a "perfect" life. Everyone endures troubles during their lifetime and cannot always blame someone else. Your best bet may be to avoid the blow ups. Have a conversation with your daughter when things are calm. Let her know you cannot tolerate the stress these fights cause and would like to communicate in a civil manner. Explain what you have said above but do not offer her an apology if you don't owe her one. If your two other children are shocked about your daughter's behavior, seek their advice as well, they may shed some light on your relationship. Most of all, don't enable your daughter by further tolerating her criticism and blame. If communicating and insisting on respect aren't enough, seek a family counselor who specializes in strained relationships. Whether you go with or without your daughter, you may learn some new coping skills that can assist your situation. Good luck.
2007-07-23 05:54:51 · answer #2 · answered by ThatGirl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm very sorry that you and your daughter have to be going through this. It hurts me to see a mother hurt like that. I am 24 years old and I use to be the same way with my mom and sometimes we still do argue about things but not like we use to. My mother does so much for me and loves me unconditionally and would do anything in the world for me therefore I do my best to treat her right and respect her. Have you ever tried writing a letter to her telling her exactly how you feel? Whenever my mother and I ever have something going wrong between us, I like to talk to her through letters because it's easier for me to say exactly how I feel on paper and then later on we discuss it in person and it has always helped us. How old is your daughter? Maybe it's just some type of phase she is going through? My 14 year old sister does the same thing to my mom and it hurts her so bad and hurts me as well. We are both hoping it's just a phase in life, which I'm sure it is because she is still young. I hope this helps, if you ever need someone to talk to you can message me on yahoo, my screen name is iluvhim83
2007-07-23 05:48:27 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
1.) She's an adult. Anything you could have done to her, she could have repaired by this point. Tell her to stop being such a martyr and to grow up.
2.) Nobody can make you feel guilty unless you let them. When she starts the baloney, tell her to knock it off or leave, you don't care which. If she continues, stop seeing her. Life is too short to be bothered with people that behave themselves.
2007-07-23 05:48:24 · answer #4 · answered by KMS 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you are only having this problem with your daughter and nobody else, then it is probably her. Maybe you 2 should try to sit down with a counselor and figure out what is wrong...If you 2 live together or near eachother then maybe taking a little vacation from one another would help too
2007-07-23 06:12:34 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Time to take a break from her. You are enabling her by your apologetic ways and it is an insult to your other children who do not behave in that manner. So it is very very good that you cannot find the words this time. Excellent in fact. Stick with it until SHE apologizes
2007-07-23 05:44:35 · answer #6 · answered by barthebear 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm baffled that how you come up with an apology everytime she behaves like a 'hormone-dictated' teenager...
Why on earth should she be allowed to gauge your level of perfection and expect you to be penitent regarding your flaws?
YOU must not feed her false ego by bowing to her whims and fancies..
Take grip of things and make it clear that she WILL NOT get away with throwing tantrums like this.
As one answerer said, behave like a MOTHER...
2007-07-23 05:57:47 · answer #7 · answered by Himalayan Mystic 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
its about time you stop apologising and behave like a "mother " .
so what if you are not perfect, you are not expected to be perfect. if she doesnt respect you as her mother, its her loss.tell her that you will get professional help with the computer and she can jolly well go make her own dinner !
2007-07-23 05:48:22 · answer #8 · answered by aunt_webby 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell her she should get some counseling because you do not need to be made to feel like crap every time she is upset about something in her life. Go to counseling together if need be.
2007-07-23 05:46:41 · answer #9 · answered by EmmaNicole 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋