am of Indian origin, born in the US. Hubby came here for M.S. In-laws has visited us 3 months every 6 months past 2 yrs, and now might move in. I have a ? abt life with Indian in-laws? Are these normal?
1. All at dinner or watching TV. someone needs water o r phone rings - I have to go get it.
2. New Years Prty: I'm not supposed to sip wine. I said fine if hubby also forgoes it. MIL said dont' wear shorts in summer. I said fine, if hubby also wears only jeans. all shocked.
3. shopping for new car, house: they come along. ALWAYS. I can't speak freely to hubby. Have to save it for later.
4. TV: only their channels are watched.
5. Phone: I'm on phone, call-wtng, not urgent. but i have to hang up.
6. all back from 5 day trip. I have to immed. "take care" of all - coffee etc. I'm not "tired".
7. We cannot sit on same sofa. I get a call (friend has cancer or great job, hubby cannot give me a quick hug. High 5 is OK, gasp)
2007-07-23 04:58:52 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
8. We cannot tell them "we know u love the grandkids, but please do not question our authority in front of them".
9. Our anniv: I want to spend couple of hrs alone just us two anytime between 6-11 pm. Sorry, not possible. Let's ALL celeb. Just us 2 can wait.
10. Have been to Las Vegas 3 times. This time I'd rather stay back w/ kids. No. All shld go.
11. I skipped lunch, feel like a quick early dinner before all. Sorry, all eat TOGETHER.
12. I had a heavy lunch & long day. Would like to skip dinner & turn in early(once in 3 months). Unheard of. Shocking.
13. They are with us all the ttime. Can't talk freely about anything. Yes, final choice is ours, and I can always talk in the bedroom, but some things have to be said NOW(car/house shopping)
14..If hubby tries talking to them, they are hurt, hug me & say you are like our daughter.
I told hubby, visits have to be less than a month long, and no they move-in. He agreed.
Is this normal w/ Indian in-laws in the U.S.?
2007-07-23 04:59:00 · update #1
Yes, you just described the typical Indian family hierarchy.
You see, you are the daughter in law and you hold the least standing in the family. Your position is one of servitude. That is the rule.
You are subject to your husband and anyone in his family who got there before you. Idk, that's the rule.
Definitely I would not live with them. Although, I would not be shocked if that's the plan, whether you know it or not.
Hon, you've just inherited some huge obstacles to marital bliss.
You no longer are an influence in his decision making. The rule is: everything gets deferred to the parents.
I hope you really, deep down like these people. They, with no intention to offend, view you as a servant. It's just your place.
You may want to send your man a clear e-mail. Something to the effect that you miss him terribly when you have to share him with his family.
Something to the effect that, umm, they don't come to the US until the sale on their home is final, and that is where they are moving to, as in....Not My House.
Apartments nearby? Well, if the sale is held up and they need housing, here's a nice apartment.
Agree that they aren't going to use your home as a pitstop between purchases.
I love the way you describe dealing with them. You are quite the political master. Anyone else would have bumped them all off, I would think.
It's okay to have had them for visits, but I'm telling you, hon, don't be amazed when all of a sudden they Have to live with you.
e-mail him about parenting. You are the parents. Grandparents can spoil them as grandparents do, but you and he are the authority in their lives. How does he plan to handle that kind of interference on a day to day basis?
Once they're here, I Highly recommend integrating them. Introduce them to their neighbors. Have your friends visit and welcome them in their home. You and your family go there to spend time. Get them acclimated to Being There.
Good luck.
and God bless you and yours, dear.
2007-07-23 13:40:55 · answer #1 · answered by Puresnow 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
A pretty tight situation over there. Could be the subject of a hilarious sitcom. Anyway, since you are of Indian origin, why don't you ask your parents as to whether your in-laws define typical Indian (in the US) behaviour? You might also take a peek around and check how your friends fare vis-a-vis their in-laws. If they have the same laments, you are not alone, which should be some consolation to you. If not, bad luck. Maybe you should assert yourself. Put on your skimpiest shorts, spread yourself on the sofa and sip a glass of wine. Then say, "Good night folks. I'm off to sleep" and let them gasp and take the message.
2007-07-23 05:13:07 · answer #2 · answered by Modest 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Alot of folk come here because they don't like their country and they don't think they need to change their habits. I'm sure my ancesters were the same way. However, you are not Indian any more than I am French. While our families came here some time in the past, we are American's and we live like Americans. Your husband however is not American born and so he's not going to get it. You are going to have to teach him how to be an American.
You need to put your foot down like an American woman would. Think about what you are teaching your children(if you have them), you don't want your daughters growing up thinking they are not as good as men and you certainly don't want your sons to think they are better than women.
Tell your husband that they need to move out, if he can't do it, then you do it. What happens, they get mad and don't come back? Ok, that works. Get them a hotel the next time they are here or put them with another family. Be blunt, but not rude. Simply tell them that you are an American and you will do what you want with your dress and in your house. If you keep complying, all you are telling them is that somewhere you don't have enough self respect to stand up for yourself. Don't get off the phone, wear shorts, if you are tired tell them where the coffee pot is and go to bed. Stop letting them throw you down on the floor and walk all over you. You are not a doormat, American woman are worth more than that. Oh and plant a big fat wet kiss on your husband whenever you want to.
2007-07-23 05:10:22 · answer #3 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I can feel your situation, but our Indian culture was always like this and I think will stay forever. We have no privacy after marriage as long as husband does not try to understand. He is the main person in the family but in-laws always come in between and tie him with them. I don't understand why in-laws don't think that we can have our choices and need privacy. When husband and wife working and don't get time to see each other until they go to sleep is not right at all. This can affect sensible person's health and can lead to fight with elders. Its not that we don't respect them, but still they have to understand.
In your case, I would just say that just do it what they like because this is our culture. If husband is happy with them then you will be happy.
2007-07-24 11:00:56 · answer #4 · answered by Jasmine 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am an american married to a pakistani man. I to have had problems dealing with the cultural issues....they are the same. I dont know how many times I have cried and cried because of culture. This is how I handle it.
I chose to marry this man because I love him with my entire being. I have chosen to be a part of him, which means a part of his family. Everything seems to go through his family. At first it was very painful for me to have to share, but then when I lost my daughter, I did realize that sharing is a small price to pay when you are treated like gold. In this culture, and yours, family is very important. Everything good and bad is shared, and women are expected to always pitch in and do what is necessary. meals are the responsibility of the women, and the companionship is very important around the dinner table. learn to share yourself and things will be easier. it is an acceptance issue and do not put your husband in a position that he has to chose. you and he are the ones who are married. you can always find time to share.....and remember inlaws dont stay around forever, they leave or die.
a big hug to you...it is a very tough situation.
2007-07-23 05:07:34 · answer #5 · answered by jaani113 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Sounds about right. Not going to get better. America has spoiled you, Indian culture is to honor thy parents. Just have some kids and in 25 years you can do the same thing.
I don't deal with traditions well if they don't make sense. I challenge everything and make someone prove to me that the tradition needs to stand. If they can, it does, if they can't it is gone. I would bring each of these up and make him prove to me that these rules need to apply, if not, these rules are out the door. Unless you aren't helping pay the bills or taking care of the kids, it's your decision as much as it is his.
They can go home anytime they want if they don't like your rules that you two come up with together.
2007-07-23 05:07:00 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 2⤋
hi lr,
sorry to say this....but it's you and your husband's fault. Why do you have to take sh*t from anyone???? i just don't understand. It's not a cultural issue as much as it's marital issue. You need to unite as a couple and make a rule for your house......your children...your life....and above all for yourself. You and your husband will have to stand up. Be realistic...i aren't telling you be disrespectful.......to his parents!!!! BUT...IT'S ABOUT TIME. And i can sense the anger in you......which is aimed in a wrong direction......you should be asking these things to your husband!!!!! you married him......he is the one who should know the answers. good luck
2007-07-23 06:04:56 · answer #7 · answered by always-smile 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
you seem to be in a really unpleasant situtation. well, it is not that all Indian in-laws are like that, but alot of them want daughter-in-laws to be the stereotypical indian DIL. they do not want their DIL to have a mind of her own, and belive that her sole purpose in life is to serve her in-laws.
i think your husband needs to support you more. when he sees them asking for too much, he should step in and stand by you. for eg. if they dont let u wear shorts, he shd say that he is okay with it, and that they shdnt have a problem with it.
when it comes to spending time alone- dont ask- but just say "we need to go out for dinner...see you in the morning".
They will be bitter with you for a while, but will slowly start stepping back, and stop ruling your life.
If you dont push back now, it will only get worse with time.
all the best!
2007-07-23 05:08:42 · answer #8 · answered by bani154 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Indian culture is different but you and your husband need to agree that now you are in America. HE needs to tell them NO MORE. He should be the one to stand up for you . What you write is slavery. If your husband doesnt respect you, leave him.
2007-07-23 05:47:04 · answer #9 · answered by barthebear 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you are stuck in a bad family.. I am Indian and me or my family doesn't do all this s*it
2007-07-26 10:00:41 · answer #10 · answered by Is it ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋