I've lived with my fiance for over a year. He was in the military in another state and so I lived with him on breaks and summers, and with my parents during the school year. My fiance is now out of the military and moving to the state where my parents live.
We have decided to wait until I finish college before getting married, but I don't see why we can't live together when I return to my home state. My parents approved of us living together before.
My parents have said that they will stop paying for my education and will take me off of their health insurance (I have diabetes) if I move out. Though I respect their opinions, I do not agree with their "conditional love" approach to parenting.
It's not the first time they have held my health over my head. I am an non-drug-using, straight-A college student who is tired of being controlled by my parents. They're only thinking of how this will make them "look." If I do live at home they will call me a "freeloader". HELP!?!?!
2007-07-23 04:46:29 · 6 answers · asked by elnorunner 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
It sounds like your parents are attempting to navigate the changing family dynamics & do not realize that you are feeling so much pressure.
This might be the only way they can think of to let you know they are serious. Maybe they are afraid of letting you go - at home they can monitor you. Since they said you can't 'freeload' well then that it completely acceptable & you shouldn't expect to get these things from them if you are able to provide them for yourself. It is your responsibility instead of theirs.
I believe you should always live with your partner before getting married to avoid surprises & maybe it's your time to take charge of yourself. If you are feelings controlled then take charge of your own life. Make a plan - figure out if you can do this alone (or with fiance) - weigh the pros & cons. Make an informed decision - don't just run out the door without preparing.
And it's really okay that they don't want to pay for your stuff once you have gone - technically it's no longer their job - it is yours. I know you don't agree with their 'conditional love' approach but they may not see another way to get where they need to be.
You are a non-drug-using; straight A college student & what that tells me is you are responsible & proud of it. And I commend you! So find out (if your fiance agrees of course) what you need to do to start your new life together. Listen to what your parents tell you - no matter what they have your best interests at heart. If they do express that they see you as a freeloader at home yet you want to stay there ask them what you can do to help because the bottom line is they don't feel you are pulling your weight.
I would do a lot of talking to them & your fiance & figure out some goals that are realistic & attainable. As we age our families change & the dynamics change. It can be difficult to figure out what no longer needs to happen & what needs to happen now instead. Meshing growing personalities & new relationships into our families can be very tricky & could damage the family. So try to figure out what everyone's needs are & they best way to accomodate them along with honouring yourself. And have fun - you are in college & getting married!
2007-07-23 05:13:14 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I have a 22 year old and a 24 year old, and I will tell you up front - they are NOT making life choices that reflect their up-bringing right now, but I do not love them any less. They have the right to find their own path in life, just like I did when I was their age. Your parents need to learn to let go - and that is probably the most difficult thing for any parent to do. They love you and want what's best for you - but their dreams for your life may not be YOUR dreams for your life. The smart thing to do (financially) would be to stay with your parents and finish college. If it's true love, you & your bf will make it.
For the record, if you move out, your parents probably don't have a choice about the insurance. Many companies have very strict requirements for keeping adult children on a parent's insurance policy. But again, most colleges offer health insurance to full time students, so you could take advantage of that while you're in school. If your parents are going to stop paying for your education, there are grants / scholarships you can apply for. Check with your school's financial aid office to find out what your options are. Many colleges have payment plan offers per term too. Get a job and pay your own way. It may take you longer to get through college that way, but you can't have your cake & eat it too.
2007-07-23 05:03:10 · answer #2 · answered by Romans 8:28 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
While you are an adult and free to leave and get married, that's usually not a wise move at your age. Most people wait to finish their education before getting married. That's kind of smart, because a person can mature a lot in college, and find that they want different things after graduating. The mention of your wanting to get married immediately suggests panic to me, and would usually be a bad move. One should never panic into a lifelong decision like marriage. Love will wait, even for 4 years of college. Your control will not diminish over time. You've already mentioned opening your own bank account. It's unfortunate that your parents are so domineering, but one of the realities is that they are funding your life for the moment. It sounds like your fiancee does not have a lot of money, and you have none. Not having money cuts off a lot of choices for you. With a college degree and a job, you will have a huge amount of control.
2016-05-21 00:58:29 · answer #3 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your parents don't have a choice about their health insurance. To keep an overage dependent on their policy, you most likely have to be a full time student and still maintain your home address with them. Alot of people get around this, but apparently your parents are done with doing it for you. Have you ever considered there is a reason why they don't want you to live with this guy other than just to irritate you. If they ok'd it before and aren't now, how bout being the grown up you claim to be and ask them what changed.
You cannot whine about being controlled by someone who is footing your bills. Life doesn't work that way. You get freedom when you take the responsibility for your life. When you allow others to take that responsibility, they get to call the shots. How do you expect to be someones wife when you don't know how to be someones kid?
Your folks aren't saying they aren't going to love you, they are saying they aren't going to fund your lifestyle that they don't agree with. "Conditional love" means that you put conditions on loving someone by controlling their behavior. Unconditional loves means you love the person but not always the behavior. Nothing about being a parent says you have to do something you don't think is right for your child.
Be a grown up, stop with the lip service about respecting their opinions and actually sit down and talk to them. Without the drama.
2007-07-23 04:58:57 · answer #4 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Look, life is very fair for some people like yourself. They gave you a choice to make. All you have to do is make it. Sounds like they aren't ery controlling at all. Controlling is when they say what you can and cannot do without any choices.
Do you even pay rent there with your folks or do they let you stay there for free? If it is free, they are doing far more for you than they need to.
I would suggest you just stay with your parents. Cheaper, safer, and you get to keep your insurance.
2007-07-23 04:51:32 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You need to figure out the finances for this move if your parents are cutting you off. They aren't really controlling. I think you are using them too to get an education. Figure out what will work best for your education and health and suck it up.
2007-07-23 04:55:05 · answer #6 · answered by Gone fishin' 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋