Is it too late to change and discipline a teenager?

Question

My mother raised my daughter for the first 7 years of her life because I was too young, busy working 2-3 jobs and trying to finish school myself. She raised her with no rules or any form of discipline. She is very spolied, thinks she can do what she wants, and only thinks of her self. In the past when I tried to discipline her my mother would get in the way and confort her. Now she is a pre-teen (12 years old). Can I change her ways with discipline or is it too late?

Answer 1

Absolutely not to late. Now that she is 12 and can think for herself, you have to treat her in a more adult way. Violence and threats will basically make her rebel more. After 12 years of not really being on the picture, it will be rough, but as long as respect is established, you can do it.

Try to have open discussion, give her some space as well (physically as well as emotionally), *praise* good behavior ('Thanks for doing that. I really appreciate it'), and encourage teamwork (like dividing chores, for example). You will have to make changes subtly as well to get an effect, as coming on strong will not work. And this may sound silly, but relate to her. Don't be her friend, but also don't assume she's a stupid kid. She knows you had her young, so let her know why you're making these decisions; so she can have a better life than what you had.

Lastly, get your mom to back you up. You don't have to see eye to eye, but your daughter has to have it clear: no running to granny when she's upset at you. So your mom will have to say no for once in her life.

Good luck!

Answer 2

It is never too late! She is at a good age for you to start making some changes, if you don't know it might go down hill from here. My boyfriends sister is 16 now. At 12 she lived with her dad and he let her do whatever. She had a serious boyfriend that lasted 3 years. She lost her verginity at 12! She hasn't gone to school for the past year. We continuously find evidence(pictures) that she is doing drugs and drinking. Both of the parents don't really see what harm this is doing to her future. These girls are too young to make a rational decision for there future when they have no guidence. If you love this girl and care about where her life is going to take her, Fix the problem now!

Answer 3

I feel at any point it is possible. Although if there is no male influence in her life then I feel you are at an even greater loss. If you feel I am wrong in saying this then please take a look at the statistics. Children that do not have a strong moral father that expects disciplined hard working children typically fail in what is considered the minimum of life's journey. So my suggestion to you is get a grandfather involved or an uncle if you don't have the option of a GOOD father. If you are religious, look into the Bible. That book is what my family follows. Maybe not perfectly or even close but we do bring our children up on it and expect them to behave by it accordingly. Our marriage is great! We may not be the Beaver's parents but we are happy together and try hard. Also both children are from separate previous relationships. My daughter is my step child and my son is her step child. It has been working out great for us, give it a try.
Good Luck.

Answer 4

It's not too late but you're going to have to get things straightened out between you and your mother first before you try to make the change. You have to agree on tough love and your mother has to agree that having no discipline was a mistake. You have to own up to the fact that you abandoned your responsibility as a mother, whether you were too young or not, and take some of the responsibility as well. Get that straightened out, get your mother on your side and then go for it. It will not be easy.

Answer 5

I think its never too late to save a child from theirself. I am the mom of 2 boys one is 12 and I know exactly what you mean. Its hard, even though his dad and I have no outside interference, your daughter is obviously playing a little bit of a guilt trip on you, because honestly you were not really there in a parent role, judgeing by your question, and details. I think you need to start from scratch "so to speak", Its like you two are beginning a journey together, I dont know how much your mom is still involved so Ill have to give you 2 scenarios. If your mom is not allowed to interfere now, your daughter needs to know that your the boss!! she needs discipline, absolutely!!!! she also needs respect as a young girl about to be a teen, Thats a fine line, isnt it? Id suggest a sit down talk, with no distractions, in a quiet place, maybe her favorite park, I think the setting of this talk is very important, the mood needs to be right, Tell her how sorry you are for not being there when she was young, explain how you were young and your mom stepped in to help you, with good intentions. however,your mom make decisions that you did not always agree with, but that you were really powerless to stop. I would not approach this conversation with any bad talk about your mom, because she did step in when you needed her,and your daughter has a strong bond with her. Im sure your daughter feels some anger that you probably missed out on things in her life, and her acting out is her way of "paying you back" thats normal. You must step into her shoes for a moment and think what that must have been like for her, not having you there to tuck her in, to take her to the park, to shop for clothes with her, after you make that sincere apology (that she does deserve) then its your turn to tell her that you are there now, and you are her mother, in every way, you have to be there if you say that, by the way, I think a reward system with an allowance would probalby help, have her help you make a chore chart with reward stickers or whatever she thinks is cool. you have a long hard road ahead of you dear, but dont give up, she is worth every tear, and every sleepless night, Keep the lines of comunications open, she about to be a teen, and this is probably your last chance to grab hold of the relationship, before her friends begin to be the influence she listens to. If your mom is still interfering you have to tell her you appreciate all that she did for your daughter, but you are her mom, Firmly let her know you love her but you need her to respect your rights! You cant screw this up, your mom will be watching you closely,you can do this!!!!! Minute be minute, day by day, week by week, you can gain your daughters trust, she has to feel how much you love her, let her know how much she means to you, Its a balancing act, because you also have to not let her act out either, I would make a huge deal of everything she does thats positive, and reward all positive things, you really have to look hard to find her doing good, I think you are a good mom, you are searcing for help, and a little prayer every night probably wouldnt hurt, Good luck to you !!!!

Answer 6

Not if your mother is still around. There will always be a riff, and it is going to be the school of hard knocks for your daughter. She didn't do her any favors. The world is hard, and no one likes a spoiled brat. Unfortunately, you contributed to the situation as it wasn't your mother's real duty, yours. If you were too young to have a child, hmm looks like you didn't have much discipline either. I am not judging, everybody makes mistakes, it is just not all your moms fault. I wish you luck as I think you will need it. You may be raising your grand child due to similar circumstances, I hope not.

Answer 7

damn that sucks for you. it's hard cuz she doesn't see you as an authority figure cuz she feels like...who are you to tell me when u weren't here....i treated my mom like sh*t for the same reason and i was about that age. it's gonna be hard. and yeah she's smart enough to know what you can get away with a stubborn to just do whatever. sooo.....take everything away! EVERYTHING no seeing grandma cuz she's not helping the little brat straighten up. Pick her up from school...be waiting outside her classroom door 10 minutes before school is even out. take her home. make her clean and no tv, not music, not NOTHING just sittin at home and tell her that this is how it's gonna be till she acts right. and then follow thru. don't let her walk on you. don't take it. don't be abusive just send her to her room. give her the bare nessicities of life until she earns the other things. its gonna be mean, and tuff but you gotta do it out of love for her because you don't want her to be a little stuck up bi*ch all her life

or seriously consider a teen bootcamp before she falls into drugs and sex ok? it's tough love and she'll hate you know, but realize later that it helped her

Answer 8

No it's not too late.It will be very difficult but can be done.You'll have to be strong and stick to your rules and regulations but you can do it.
It's sad for a child to be raised that way.They grow up thinking the world owes the a living.Children thrive with rules and dicipline.It's how they grow up to respect themselves and others and be caring and loving individuals.
Be firm but loving to her and it will pay off when you see how she has grown and matured.You may need nerves of steel at times but don't give up on her.She's worth all the hard work and trying times and one day she'll really appreciate you for what you've done to help her.
All the best to both of you and God bless.

Answer 9

I don't think it's too late!! I'm gonna assume she hasn't started drinking or into drugs and being promiscuous. She isn't in high school and around a lot of the normal teenage pressures, so there is definately still time. Good luck!

Answer 10

No it isn't but it will be harder to discipline her because she use to rule the house. Remember she is 12. You are the adult and you are supposed to teach them how to act. If you don't start soon then things will get worse.