Is this a good reason that I'm putting my child up for adoption?

Question

My parents' family is rich and I'm very well off, my parents tried force me to have a abortion, because they told me it's more shamful to put your child up for adoption, because my child is illegitimate and bring shame and disgrace upon our family.

I kept my child without telling them I'm having it, but do you think it's bad to put the baby up for adoption even when I'm financially well off and have a stable career? Should I just bare the shame to raise my child on my own?

Do you think people will actually be scared adopting baby from me, because I'm an attorney?

Answering my responder, I'm a asian descent, my father is a power figure in the community. I'm very stressed out because I don't have no one to talk to about this in my life, that's why I'm choosing Yahoo to vent, not for serious advices, Ms Betty.

Answer 1

I'm worried for you. You spoke about considering adoption a while back, and you are mentioning it again now. I think the time has come that you seek some counseling.

You need to know what is coming. This uncertainty will not disappear while waiting for the birth of your child without some knowledge and insight of what the impact is for either option.

I know that culture values have a lot to do with this question, so I won't try to be ethnocentric with my answer.

I think you need to know the impact of becoming a mother would be. See if you can get your hands on a copy of "Mothershock" which describes the transition of changing into the role of mother.

You need to form a parenting plan. I know it sounds like it isn't necessary when you are planning on adoption, but you cannot decide to relinquish until after your baby is born. You can create an adoption plan, but in order to really make the decision properly, you need to be able to look honestly at both plans and be able to put either plan into action.

Did I read your second paragraph correctly and your parents don't know you are still pregnant?

Seriously, the best advice to this question is seek counseling immediately. (preferably not from an agency, and one that understands adoption issues... I'll edit in a moment with a link of how to find a counselor.)

Edit to add:
How to find a therapist who will meet your needs pts. 1 and 2
http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/index.php/weblogs/finding-a-decent-therapist
http://birthparents.adoptionblogs.com/index.php/weblogs/finding-a-decent-therapist-part-two

Mothershock
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1580050824/mothertalk-20

Answer 2

I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this on your own without support.

In America today, shame on the family due to an illegitimate baby is no longer an issue. However, I understand that in the Asian culture it is still a stigma.

The real question is how do you feel? Do you believe that your family and culture will treat you differently? Your family specifically, will they consider you an outcast? Or once the baby is born would they take back the words they've said?

Sometimes families say such hurtful things in the heat of the moment. You've said that you are an attorney, they could have been upset thinking that it would set your career back or that you were thinking of giving up your career in total.

It doesn't matter how well off you, or your family is. What does matter is how you feel and what you want to do. Having a child is a large responsibility that doesn't ever go away. I know I wasn't ready until I was 30 to begin discussing starting our family. Are you wanting to parent this child? There is no shame in doing either parenting or deciding not to parent. Parenting a child is a wonderful thing at any age. You seem that you have it together.

However, if you believe that you will be shamed, as will your child. You will have to learn to stand up and hold your head to them so that you and your child will not be cast in that light. That isn't fair to either of you.

If you decide not to parent this child, you are going to give someone the best opportunity that they could ever hope & dream of. The opportunity to love that child.

Either way, you shall hold your head up without shame, guilt, or fear of what others think. You need to do what is best for you and this child.

Money has nothing to do with the decisions we make or our ability to parent. As for your career, Congratulations on being a woman of substance. I don't think being an attorney is going to hinder your adoption options. That would actually mean to most couples that your child will be intelligent and gifted.

I'm so very sorry you don't have anyone to speak to. I have no idea what you are going through or I'd offer. Please know though, that you sound like an incredible young woman, and I'm sure that you'll make the best decision for you and your child.

Answer 3

If anyone can answer me this I would be grateful for life!
Why is it so horrible to be a single mom? I think some of the strongest parents are single parents wether it be a female or a male!
If you kept the child then there must be something in you that is telling you that you are able to support this child and don't want to give it up.
But if you are seriously gonna give the baby up for adoption then I give you props for that cause you didn't go straight to the abortion clinic and have it done.
But in my honest opinion, No I don't think that is a good reason because you're parents have NOTHING to do with you raising your child...If you have the financial stability which you seem to have then why give it up? What shame is there? Is your family in polotics or something to where if you raise this child by yourself they are gonna be shunned from society??? I think that shame stuff is a load of bullshit! So many people find that as a way out of a situation like that(not bashing you) but if your parents are that worried that they TOLD you to have an abortion than maybe you should cut some ties there for a while til they can grow up a little! Not everyone who has a baby is married! I have 2 daughters with my husband but before we were married I gave birth to both of them so does that make them illegitimate? I'm married to their father and I was with him almost 5 yrs before we got married...does that make me shameful or my kids shameful? I apologize for the hostilaty but that is by far not a reason to put your child up for adoption but as I said before Adoption is a WAY better thing to do than abortion just because your parents don't want to look bad.

Answer 4

I think you need to stop and think before doing anything rash. Putting a child up for adoption to keep peace in the family is wrong. What if your family doesn't like other things you do? You going to make amends to please them?

You say you are a successful attorney and can well-afford to keep the baby.

I guess the only question should really be: do you really want your child?

As for shame being seen for adoption - that is absurd. Adoption is a wonderful option for those women or girls who can't keep their babies. There should be no shame attached. I would say that your families' shame is probably from the fact that you had an illegitimate child.

Stop answering to your family and develop a backbone.

Answer 5

I'm from the era where it was thought shame full for an unmarried woman to be pregnant.they weren't allowed to continue school and quite often would quietly disappear for 5-6 months and reapear with rumors and nasty names attached to them.
I had one friend whose parents cut her off from her friends and held her a virtual prisoner at home until the baby was born.she wasn't even allowed to see or touch it,before it was taken off to be adopted.
another friend was whisked off to have an abortion against her will.and then there is the horrible story of a school mate(not a friend) who committed suicide rather than face her parents.
yes, this was long ago and yes, these girls were under age, but I understand that some cultures still hold to the respect for the parents wishes and that it is hard to go against what they expect.Its obvious that what your parents feel is important to you and if you keep the child or adopt the child they will feel that you have shamed them.and to do either of these things might put an end to your relationship with them.
so that is the decision you need to make. you might be able to hide the birth and adoption from them but not keeping the child.and if you really feel the child is a shame you must bear then perhaps adoption is the best way.
obviously you feel some attatchment to the child or you would have taken the easy way out with the abortion.
unlike the girls i spoke of earlier,you are an adult ,you have some control over your life and your baby,s life.There is a time when a child has to leave their parents path and make our own.
what answer can you live with?
praying for you,peace><>

Answer 6

If you feel that adoption is the right thing to do then don't allow anyone to put you down for that choice. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this baby has come to you for you to allow someone else that is not as fortunate to have a child and have the family they have always wanted. Just because you are financially able to support the baby does not make it right for you to keep the baby. But your family being against it is not a good reason to put it up for adoption either. You just have to think about what is best for your baby. You may not feel that you are emotionally ready to have a child. If that is the case then choosing adoption is a really good choice. Just remember to do what you know in your heart is right and everything will be ok. My advice, if you go through with the adoption, is to get an open adoption. You will get pictures and letters and be able to see that you did a good thing in giving the baby up for adoption. It is a very hard thing to do, but having the pictures helps to remember that you did the right thing. And some people my have a problem dealing with the fact that you are a lawyer but if it is meant to be you will find the right people to adopt the baby. Good Luck!

Answer 7

If you are financially stable and want to keep your baby then I think you should. Society today is extremely accepting and tolerant of single mothers, and babies born out of wedlock don't hold the same stigma as in the past.
Your parents are old-fashioned, and that's OK, that's where they're coming from. But you are an independent woman and have achieved great success in your life already, so they need to respect your maturity and ability to make a good decision.
Once the baby is born, hold him/her and decide in your heart what you feel is right. If you feel like you will regret it all your life, and wish you had decided for yourself to keep your baby, then don't do it. If you feel that you can feel at peace in your heart giving up your baby to another family to raise, then do that.
I am adopted myself, and I have children myself. I cannot imagine giving up my baby. Also, I had my first one when I was still in college and not married.
My parents tried to make me have an abortion, too. But I couldn't do it. They tried to suggest that I give her up for adoption and I couldn't do that either. I'm so happy that I have her now, she's so wonderful, and my parents got over it and it wasn't so shameful as they thought. People really don't seem to care in this day.
Best wishes to you in this difficult time.

Answer 8

Well this decision is as personal as having a baby is. You chose not to abort.
Do you want your baby? Ask yourself this question.
This is AMERICA! You can do what u like. If you believe you will be a good parent then have your baby. Raise her. Teach her as only YOU can.
I am so happy to hear that you decided to bring your baby on the earth. Sounds like your parents are selfish and traditional. Sometimes, and I understand cultural differences,( my husband is Persian), we have 2 break the cycle.
This is your body and YOUR LIFE! And your baby's life.
Do you want to see her grow up? What about her father? Just brain storm the pro's and cons. Ask yourself... Who can do a better job?
No way my family and I would have ANY kind of a relationship If my baby was shameful to her. I wouldn't care what they did or didn't do we would survive it ALL!
I'D be DONE!
I had a baby at 18 and I am a preacher's kid. I felt shame. But guess what...NUTHIN lasts forever. Folks move on and if they don't that's their baggage. Not mine. No children slip by God. Lots of people havin sex not all of them havin babies. Whatever you do, have no regrets. Take allllll the time you need to figure this out.
Pray.

Answer 9

First off i would like to congradulate you on keeping the child in the first place and not having the abortion .. its not the childs fault

if its not the right time in your life and it could ruin everything for you its best to to what you think (adoption) .. in the long run the baby will be with someone who really wants a kid and will be love you most likely will have regrets that could make the kid depressed and feel unwanted

i think your making the right choice, but if you want this kid dont be greedy about money and have it your happiness is imprtant dont live for others live for you and you are the mother so make good choices for the baby

good luck, and god bless you the baby and the choice you make!

Answer 10

What shame? Your family has some messed up values if they think its better to kill the baby than to have it "out of wedlock". Many many babies are born to single mothers, if anything you are at an advantage by having a stable career and not needing to depend on family or the government for support. But if you don't feel that this is the right time in your life t raise a child then opt for adoption. But take time to make sure it what you really want to do, if you change your mind after the baby has been placed with a family you will break their heart.