My fiance calls me names and has punched a hole in the door. with my last husband he was the same way then turned out to be completely out of control after the marriage had taken place. I want my relationship to work but if he doesnt stop im going to leave . Any input?
2007-07-22 14:17:39 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Don't marry the dude. Sorry about it, but what's the point in marrying a man that's broken?
2007-07-22 14:39:16 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
It's hard to leave a relationship when you are so involved in it that you are already engaged.
But the smart thing to do would be to leave. If he flies off the handle now, it's going to just get worse when you are married. Your future kids don't need that kind of drama in their lives. You don't want a four year old little boy cowering in a corner cause daddy has lost it.
Think about any kids you might have one day and leave him. There is a nice, calm guy out there for you. Don't waste any more time with this one.
2007-07-26 07:19:08 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are trying to substitute pain for love. Get out of there, that is not a healthy relationship. I know it will be hard but you can do it. Abuse doesn't always have to be physical it can be verbal, emotional and ever lasting. I suggest you not get married to someone who was like your last husband.
Why don't you think about yourself and what you really deserve? You don't deserve being yelled at, hit or anything else this guy does.
Plus once your out of this relationship make sure you get a restraining order so that if he comes back or gives you any trouble the law will know. They won't do anything but ask him to leave, but if something awful happens, you can file charges and there is nothing he can do.
2007-07-22 14:31:42 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
LEAVE NOW!!!
I have made a point of studying verbally, emotionally and physically abusive men; I've read many books on the topic. I promise you he is not going to change. If he calls you names now and has punched a hole in the wall, I GUARANTEE you that he will be calling you names after you're married and will be likely to punch you instead of the wall. Abusive men need to go through a year or two of intensive therapy that specializes in this if they want even a prayer of changing, and even then, the rate of changing is extremely small.
He will not change and you cannot change him. You need to leave NOW!!! Don't even issue that ultimatum, as it will only piss him off.
I also recommend counseling for you to help undo the damage to your self esteem these partners have inflicted on you.
P.S. Believe it or not, he's on his best behavior now.
2007-07-22 15:40:30 · answer #4 · answered by Ms. X 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
We call these men rageaholics. They feel powerless in most of their lives, so they resort to anger and violence at every opportunity. These people (usually men) are never healthy, and although they can change with years of therapy, and hard work, very few of them do. Usually a person has to honestly WANT to change. These people rarely want to change, and would violently object if anyone tells them that they have a problem.
These people are not stupid, but are often poorly educated. These people are dangerous, both psychologically and physically to their life partners and to others around them, often including their siblings, parents and children.
I would respectfully advise that you move as fast as you safely can out of the relationship, and as far away from this person as you can.
You deserve better. Good luck.
2007-07-22 14:34:47 · answer #5 · answered by roscoedeadbeat 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He's not going to change (as in stopping), so I suppose you could look at what you do to provoke it (not that that excuses the behavior -- but it might exacerbate it a little -- this is considering that he's a reasonable and nice guy to start with) -- and stop doing that behavior; however, I wouldn't put up with it personally. Before I agreed to marry my now husband I asked myself, "Can I live with __________ for the next 50 years of my life if nothing changes?" If I couldn't say yes to all those things, then I knew I couldn't marry him (because I actually want my marriage to last the rest of my life).
You might not be very good at picking men. If this is a pattern, it sounds like you pick jerks and might want to go in to counseling to fix that part of yourself before getting married again. A women's shelter could refer you to some good counselors.
Please note: if he's not a genuinely nice guy, then examining yourself and your part of his problem won't do any good... you'll just want to examine why you would pick someone who acts like this
2007-07-22 15:59:31 · answer #6 · answered by mj 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you know the answer to this. Please end this relationship before it gets more violent. Of course it will if you get married. Then after you are out of the relationship, ask yourself about the kind of guys you select. I mean really examine it. And take precautions since if you break up with him he may be angry. Have a plan ahead of time ( change phone, locks, restraining order etc) hopefully you will not need though
2007-07-22 14:22:47 · answer #7 · answered by barthebear 7 · 5⤊ 0⤋
when you stayed one day past the first violence that you saw...well lets put it this way.....when you remain, then you are telling him that you will accept this behavior, and that you accept being abused. You deserve better, so move on, because he is not going to change, and you cannot fix him. some one who has done all these things needs a professional, and you no longer need to be involved.....it is going to take him at least a year of therapy and even more to be honest with you. find someone nice and good, who is stable.
2007-07-22 16:07:59 · answer #8 · answered by mrs_endless 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
A temper does not change with marriage. It only gets worse. If it is bad now, run, do not walk, to the nearest separation. You are only setting yourself up for a repeat performance.
2007-07-22 14:43:36 · answer #9 · answered by MICHAEL R 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes it gets worst. Take the time to see who he is currently and take in consideration that he may never change would you be able to accept living with someone who degrades you and who do not respect you as a woman. Sometimes we have to take a look at our self and see who we are before accepting another person into our world. Sometimes we have to take the time to evaluate our situations and take a mental note of the type of persons we will not accept into our world. Just because someone takes a little time to show interest in you does not mean they deserve to share your world. Love yourself first and then love someone else. We all want happiness in life and it is okay to pursue it. Please do not settle for anything less. It would not be fair to yourself, the other person involved, or children. Please from experience take this time to learn yourself and make a conscience decision to raise your standards. And do not allow fear to take root in your heart and believe that no one else can or will love you, because someone will. You must first love yourself. There is a lot of women and men for that matter in abusive relationships and some people have lost their life behind this type of activity. The name calling is to make you feel isolated and alone. Sometimes even getting out at this point can be hard if the person is a jealous and violent. Remember you can not change a person - that person must want to change theirself and there is nothing written that says we must go through the tough changes with them. Thats where you love yourself more. If the persons says that he/she wants to change than give them the space to do so. Violence is serious - you could have been that door. He needs to learn how to control his emotions. Please take the time to get to know yourself becuase their is people out there who preys on your sweet innocense - and at the end they curve out a huge portion of your life. Take these as signs and you stated that you want your relationship to work - don't settle for less out of convience. The person you accept into your life will love you just as much as you love yourself. Love yourself more than this - you deserve more.
2007-07-22 15:00:36 · answer #10 · answered by Starrieyes 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
the tigers don't change their stripes.
if he's this way when he's supposedly at his best, which is when he's trying to impress you and get you to marry him, there will be less caution once the marriage has taken place, and this behavior will probably come out even easier.
go in with your eyes open, and see the picture for what it represents. take it the way it is, or get out, but don't expect to re-paint the picture.
2007-07-22 14:22:48 · answer #11 · answered by The Beast 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋