If you had to choose between seeing your mom alive or at her funeral, what would you do?

Question

I'm having trouble figuring out what to do here...

If you were in a choice to come out for a funeral or visit one last time to see your parent while they are alive (mom may not survive). Which would you do?

A second trip is out of the question financially and I cannot stay indefinitely.

Sorry, I'm not trying to be callous here, but the trip takes 2 days each way, and I feel it would be disrespectful not to be there for her funeral. I love my mom and this is very hard on me right now.

Thank you everyone!! After sleeping on this decision. My youngest daughter and I are making the two-day trip by car and staying with relatives overnight.

My mom saved money for me to attend her funeral, but we feel it's more important for me to see my parents one last time. My father has alzheimers and still knows who I am, although sometimes he does not remember his grandkids. So, this is probably the last time to see them while they still are alive and know who we are.

Thanks to all who responded. I was just too overwhelmed to think straight.

The comment about being able to send flowers to the grave brought it home for me. I can always visit a cemetery plot. I may not be able to see them alive ever again. And my mom would rather have me there when we can speak to one another.

Thanks again for the responses.

Answer 1

My mom had to make that choice when her dad died. She never regretted that she had gone and seen him while he was still alive. Go and spend some time wth your mom. Tell her you won't be able to afford another trip. Believe me she will care a lot more about being able to see and talk to you than about having you at the funeral.

Answer 2

Alive, definitely. While your mother is alive, you can have those precious last few hours or days with her. Your visit to your mother should be about *you* and about *her*. Funerals are not really about the deceased; they are for the people left behind. I'm sure your mother would greatly prefer to see you one more time while she is alive, rather than have you wait to come until after she passes.

I've been in situations like this with my grandparents, agonizing over whether to skip my final exams to go to a funeral, and my parents finally sat me down and made an excellent point. Once someone you love is gone, it doesn't matter where you are. It doesn't really matter if you are present for the wake and the funeral, because your loved one is no longer physically there to be with you. Rather, you carry them in your heart and your memory, and they are with you wherever you go. Please, go to your mother while she is living, because that living presence will not last forever.

Answer 3

If I could not be there financially twice, I would definitely go see her again while she is still alive- she will remember you taking the time to visit with her, hold her hand, and tell her you love her. If anyone says anything about you not being at the funeral, tell them I would rather spend time with my mom. Maybe someone can help you financially do both, but I would suggest you see her before she dies. God bless- and I am so sorry to hear about your mom- hold onto God for comfort!!

Answer 4

Your mother would probably prefer to see you one last time and that's the person who matters most. You don't have to go to a funeral to show your love and respect. In lieu of attending the funeral, you can send flowers or visit the grave at some future date. It is the living people who matter the most. Go see your Mom.

Answer 5

Alive. No question about it. After she's gone, you'll probably kick yourself if you didn't choose to see her and speak to her one more time while you had the chance. It will never come again. You might miss the funeral itself, but you'll have the rest of your life to pay a visit to her grave site. I'm sure it would mean more to her to see you and speak to you one last time before she passes, also.
Best wishes to you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Answer 6

I would go see her because I have heard stories where people wished they had seen their departed loved ones before they died so that they could get anything that has been left unanswered or unsaid can be said.

You should visit her and spend as much time with your mom as you can. If you can't make it to her funeral, make arrangements with someone to record the eulogy or whatever nice things about your mom are being said, that way, you don't feel like you missed being there. Your intent to know what has happened that day will be acknowledged.

Answer 7

Alive.

Funerals are for the living not the dead for they have passed on. Your mom will know your grieving, mourning, love, sorrow, etc. regardless of whether you attend her funeral. Unless you feel it would be more important to visit your relatives than your mom, you should go now.

Answer 8

My mother passed while I was down here (she was released from the hospital on Tuesday, I talked to her Wednesday and she said she was feeling a bit tired,and she died on Thursday afternoon). My sister told me to remember her as the last time I saw her because her cancer basically destroyed her features. The funeral director did a very good job making her look somewhat like she did before she took sick.

Answer 9

I would see her alive. It wouldn't mean anything to her after she is gone. And it is a chance to ask and answer questions if she is able. Funerals are for the ones left. They should understand that you can only make one trip.

Answer 10

See her while she's alive. You cannot help, comfort or interact with her during the funeral. Funerals are for the living. The time I spent with my mother before her death, even though she was in a coma, was far more meaningful to me than the time I spent at her funeral.