Its a though decision to make and I need your help!?

Question

Im 20yrs old and I live with my parents. I go to college. I was never a rebel girl. I've never been to a club, I've never come home drunk, smoked, or done drugs, and the latest I've come home is 12am and i was out with my boyfriend. I am happy living with my parents they are great. I am where I am because of them and i thank them...but my dad is extremely overprotective... i did not have a normal childhood because of this. yesterday i tried to take my cosuin to my grandmother's house at 9pm and my dad said that it was too late and too dangerous for me (its my own car) and he said he was going with me. I got tired of all that and i respectfully said "im going to take my cousin to the house ok, i'll be back in 10 mins" and he said "do whatever the f*uck you want!" ... things like this happen all the time. Im getting tired and I dont want to get married to escape this, its not right. he doesnt listen to anything, what should i do? i dont have money! this is too much. or is he right?

Answer 1

Your father's intentions may be coming from a loving place but his actions are unhealthy for you and his relationship with you. Your father needs to realize that you are a young woman and need to start making your own choices....he has to trust that if he did a good job raising you, you will be fine. Of course let your father know that although you need more independence you will always need him. That there will be times when you will seek his advice and wisdom. In the meantime maybe it would be best you demonstrate your need for independence and boundaries by trying to find a job and your own place. Maybe that will help him see that you will be fine as well.

Answer 2

I can totally relate, but first we have to remain focused. There isn't anything more important than our education and the fact that our parents are providing this for us is instrumental. So many people will be repaying student loans. We must make compromises. We have to understand that this is only temporary. I asked my parents to at least let me move into guesthouse but really I might as well be in my own room everything is so regulated. I also feel as I didn't have a normal childhood being the only child of two therapist. I think that's common for everyone to some degree. This brings me to my real concern, your dad has the right to be overprotective but not insulting. My dad is very overprotective too. I have only had one boyfriend (my dad picked him out) we went to grade school together and our families have been friends forever. This is the only boyfriend I'm allowed to have. You have to be creative. I use Yahoo for this all the time. One of my first questions was "How many women fantasize about bad boys?" lol
Do not get married to escape a temporary situation. One of the things my parents have shown me is how beautiful marriage can be when you marry the person you love. I don't think your dad has the right to be verbally abusive. Just hang in there abide by his rules for now and try to compromise.

Answer 3

In the end it's your own life, but if you see your only way out as marriage, then the overbearing has already worked it's course. Beyond living with you dad, or with a husband, you can always develop yourself as an individual. If you have no money at 20, then consider joining the workforce and thus cut off some of the dependency from your parents. If you live the rest of your years as part of someone else, then you'll never get to know how great YOU really can be.

Answer 4

You sound like a wonderful young woman and daughter and it's right to be respectful. Some of us, even though we are strong women, act passive in an effort to be respectful and that's the way the people who are closest to us see us. While your dad took the low road, you took the high road and didn't start a fight with him but you did what you wanted to and you came back unscathed. I don't see that you have anything to apologize for--he wasn't right--you are 20 years old and were not breaking any laws and you did what you said you were going to do. I'd let it go and continue to be as sweet as you are, but that doesn't mean you have to be smothered/controlled to such an extent. Just start to do little things and I'm sure you're dad will come around. We worry about are children, but there comes a point when we have to give them wings, even if they are living at home.

Answer 5

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There is no rule as to up to what age you can live with your parents. I know there are certain "norms" that the majority seem to follow but it means nothing. You have to asses your situation based on what is important to you.

You have to talk things over with your parents. Trust me, there is no such thing as a normal childhood. Every parent has a different style of how they go about bringing their children up. 99% of the time they usually mean well even though it could lead to negative outcomes. Rather than being confrontational or threatenning to leave try to express in a constructive and calm way how they need to trust you. (this of cuorse is something you have to earn as well but from what you said you sound like a very responsible person).

If all that fails, you have to find a stable income to live alone. Living alone is not as easy as it sounds, you really have to concider all the small details and see if you are ready for it.

Then again, this is not a life or death decision, as you can always change your mind and come back!

Talk it over and think it through clearly.



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Answer 6

It is time to spread your wings in my opinion. Since you are going to college, I would ask your financial aid counselor at school about helping you get a housing grant so you can move out. Do you have a job? Any 20 year old woman who is not married should have a job, even if she is in college. While you live in your parents house and they pay your way, you are still a child and have to do what they say. If you want to be treated like an adult, you have to decide to become one. Moving out does not mean you do not love your parents. All chicks must eventually leave the nest.

*edit* and DO NOT get married just to leave their house. That would be even more immature than staying. Find a roommate or friend or something if you can't afford to live all on your own.

Answer 7

In my opinion I think that he is being over protective but it's not a bad thing. A lot of times people look back and say I which I listened to my parents. Then the second thing is you will be out soon anyway so just live by there rules for now because real soon you will be calling all the shots and wishing that you had some one to bounce it off.

Answer 8

You have a good head on your shoulders. Based on your note I see you are comfortable at home, have reliable transportation, have loving parents and are currently going to college so getting a job right now could impact your focus on school.

I would suggest the next time your Dad says "do whatever the f*uck you want!" ... Turn to him and ask him outright -- Daddy why would you talk to me like that? Then add -- You know I love you, so when I hear you say things it really hurts me.

He may not respond at that time but when he is calmer let him know how you feel. Tell him they did great raising you and that you love and appreciate them. Tell him you really need to learn how to stand on your own and make decisions but with their guidance and support. Have conversations with them about your future plans and ask for guidance -- it will really help them to know you are not just moving on but growing up. It will also reinforce to them that you will still need them. :-) Of course the final decisions you make will be yours but . . . just knowing that you come to them and value their opinion will help. You have a loving family so I am sure you will work this out.

Good luck to you

Answer 9

I think you should have a talk with your dad. Let him know how much you respect him for everything he has done for you, but also let him know how you feel about him not giving you the space that a 20 year old deserves. Dads are usually over protective, but there has to be a line drawn. Let him know that he can trust you. Let him know that you are considering leaving because of this. No, marriage is not an escape. I hope things work out for you.

Answer 10

It may be time that you moved out of your parents house in order to gain freedom. You are 20 years old and as long as you stay under your parents roof, you will be treated like a child instead of an adult.

Since you are not working, it is time that you got a part time job and looked into having a roommate to help cover the expenses until you are out of school. This may be the first step in you gaining independence from your father.