I have a college age step-daughter who lives in another state. She has always been very close to her father and me and visited frequently ( at our expense - not hers.) This last year she has visited only once, never calls, or returns our phone calls. Her excuse when we do get through to her is that she is busy. I do know it is perfectly normal for teenagers to go through a period of trying to separate from their parents and establish their own lives. However, I have raised my own college aged children and never had this problem with them. We send her a substantial amount of extra money each month to help with her expenses - even though her child support has ended. I don't mind doing this but my husband is leaning toward stopping these payments. Her behavior has made him feel like he is being treated like a "paycheck" rather than a dad. If you have ever been in a similar situation, how did you handle it?
2007-07-22 07:04:07 · 9 answers · asked by arkiemom 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Thanks for all the great answers so far. You are all right that her father should be upfront with her. As a step-mom, I feel awkward intervening on his behalf. Being a step-parent puts you in a different position than if it were your own kids.
2007-07-22 07:38:32 · update #1
I think it's very normal to be self-involved at this age and not unusual for a child to go several months without contact with a parent. Especially if this wasn't a custodial parent. Your husband has a right to be upset with her inconsideration for him but he needs to discuss this with her. As to the money, you either are giving it to her unconditionally or not. You cannot tie behavior or expectations to it, unless your trying to purchase her. A display of consideration and gratitude have to come from her, which is something at this age she should already have learned (or has learned she doesn't have to thank her parents because they've never expected it). If she doesn't know she's making her father unhappy by being inconsiderate and he's not willing to speak up then you can't really fully place all the blame with her.
2007-07-22 07:17:53 · answer #1 · answered by ? 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It does sound as though she's being ungrateful, but my guess is that she was raised this way and to her, this is normal. I think NOT having it all handed to her would be a good idea.
If you want to pay for her SCHOOL, that's fine but I think she should have to cover her own living expenses, or at the VERY least pay for her own books, materials, clothing, car/insurance/upkeep, etc. If you're going to drop out the money on her, give her notice. Send her a letter saying you've been really happy to help her out but due to your own financial issues, you will be changing her "assistance". Then tell her WHEN the paychecks will stop and/or how they will be reduced so she can get ready. (I'd give her at least a month notic
If she asks why, just tell her you've decided to change the way you handle your finances....DO NOT give her details; your finances are NOT any of her business. And she may be technically a teenager, but she's in college and she needs to start doing for herself.
2007-07-22 14:11:36 · answer #2 · answered by lady_phoenix39 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell her, or maybe he should tell her exactly what he said to you about feeling like a paycheck. She is old enough to have an equal responsibility in the relationship (not speaking financially), she is no longer a child. If I was her father I would tell her straight out if she is going to drop you both from her lives then she is on her own. Make sure you also tell her how much she means to you.
2007-07-22 14:15:20 · answer #3 · answered by Dovahkiin 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If she's an adult - treat her like one. DO NOT tie her visits to the money you send or YOU are making her monthyly allowance the way to keep her actions in your realm of control and she will start to resent you. The visits and money need to be absolutely separate.
Make it clear the money you send is because you wish to send it and not something she is entitled to. You can send or not send at your will.
But - before you cut things off - what things are keeping her busy? Is she doubling up on her class schedule? Does she have a boyfriend and is spending all her time with him? Find out what's going on.
Then - discuss the situation with her rationally and calmly. Tell her you miss her and really wish you could see her more. See what she says.
2007-07-22 14:11:04 · answer #4 · answered by Answer Queen 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
If she is a college student, she should take care of herself like I do.
Also, college students can get busy and get caught up in their own lives. Even though I only visit home a few times a year, I call home at least once a week.
2007-07-22 14:09:02 · answer #5 · answered by Kaye00 1 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Yes! your step daughter is being selfish and using her father he needs to stop giving her money and learn what it is to live on your own with no help she needs to learn to do things herself. she is grown up now and needs to let go of dadys wallet. If he doesnt stop she will always use peaple for what she wants. he is teaching her to use others for what she needs. instead of getting a kob and working her *** of to make something of herself.
No disrespect but this is realy bad for her.
2007-07-22 14:49:17 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Talk to her and explain the hurt you both feel because of her distance. She is old enough to work and start to support herself. I would not cut her off completely but lessen the amount of support.
2007-07-22 14:08:00 · answer #7 · answered by Lov'n IT! 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
being in such a situation;no ,but i think u should talk it over with her just as u will do with ur own child
2007-07-22 14:14:53 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
no i have never been in this situation...but she probably will definitely call him if he stops the payments
2007-07-22 14:07:59 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋