Do you have any family members you just CAN'T figure out?

Question

My twin sister keeps being repeatedly abused by her husband, & when he takes the car & leaves her & the kids, that's when she calls telling about what he did to her, but then she always takes him back & betrays the rest of the family for him, & when she sneaks & takes him back, you don't hear from her until he beats on her & leaves her again. & she hides away from the family because she thinks that we're gonna call her stupid for getting back with him after he has beaten her upside the head with a wrench, raped her, & set her up to get raped while pregnant.

I've tried to be supportive & be there for her & help her, but she keeps taking this dude back & then betraying me & making it like I'm the bad person, & it makes me depressed & feel like I did something wrong. & this dude has given her STD's & cheated on her & everything, & she acts like she can't live or function without him. Now she's betrayed me ONCE AGAIN for the nth time, & I'm tired of it! I can't help her anymore.

Answer 1

You have my sympathies, I have a sister just like you and just like you, my family goes through the cycle over and over again, however, she chooses to keep it in the spotlight. I never understood it either till I found this:

The historical record of the behavior of guards and inmates in prison camps offers another analogy that can also fit the battered woman's situation. Guards often treated inmates erratically sometimes offering kindness (food, shelter, relief from labor) and sometimes meting out sadistic cruelty (beatings, starvation, and random shooting). Again, there was no way to prevent the cruelty or to earn the more humane treatment. This resulted in many prisoners giving up and becoming indifferent to beatings and self care. They stopped washing or feeding themselves and didn't move to shelter to avoid the cold winds. People reduced to this state died rapidly. So why would anyone get caught up in this terrible situation in the first place? Why wouldn't they get out at the very first sign of mistreatment? Let me offer a quick, and to that end incomplete, explanation: A major reason we all pick the partners we do is in hopes of getting the love we longed for (and didn't fully get) from our parents. The problem is that in our unconscious cleverness we pick psychologically "reasonable facsimiles" of our parents, and therefore we wind up with a partner who in many ways acts like our mother or father. So if our parents mistreated us as kids, we will likely pick partners capable of similar abuse. Since we still need love and approval, we still continue to try, fruitlessly, to get their love and approval just as we tried with our parents.

That sadly, in a nutshell, is where our sisters are and that scares the hell out of me too.

Answer 2

Unfortunately, she is being mentally abused as well as physically abused. As a result of the mental abuse, she does not feel that she deserves any better and at the same time she is afraid to stand on her own two feet, because she has grown to believe that she can't.

I once had a friend who went through the same thing - when she finally plucked up the courage to leave her husband, he killed her.

I cannot tell you how far your sister's husband might go if she ever does decide to leave him, but perhaps you can try to understand her desperate fear, rather than simply saying that "she betrayed me".

I tried so hard to protect my friend - but one day, when I was in hospital having my third child, she finally snapped and ran - I only found out on the day that I came home and the police were waiting for me to get information on her husband.

On the one hand, I don't mean to frighten you, but on the other, I do! Your sister is no doubt living a life of terror. It is quite possible, that her husband has threatened the lives of various family members (very probably yours - since you are bound to be the person closest to her) if she should try to leave him - and she believes him.

After all my friends husband did the same thing and he not only killed my friend he shot her mother twice as well (at least she survived).

All you can do, is be there for her no matter what happens and never ever say that she has betrayed you. Just maybe, she is trying to protect you!

Look after yourself and be safe
Sandy
http://www.moms-home-safety.com

Answer 3

your right, you can't help her anymore, but you shoud still be there for her. But now it is time for you to help the CHILDREN!!
There are reasons woman take the man back in abusive relationships. its a classic case.
Contact your local police department and let them know what is going on, also get the numbers of all the domestic violence shelters in your area that she and the children can go to, he will not be able to find her at all even if he makes a missing persons report.
step up and save these kids from all this abuse they shouldn't have to live through that!!!!

Answer 4

You told me two things about your sister:

First, she KNOWS this is not right. If she thought it was normal or 'okay' she would not be calling people telling them about it when he leaves.

and SECOND, that this is her choice. SHE CHOOSES to stay, for whatever sad emotional reasons she has.

You only have one choice: call children's services EVERY TIME you know something is going on. It is abusive to children to hurt their mother. And call the cops EVERY TIME as well. Tape record her when she calls and tells you what's going on and let the cops listen to it. That way she can't turn around and deny it.

I'm sorry honey, but other than that, you can't help her. This is how she chooses to live.

Answer 5

Just keep calling the authorities so that the children may be protected. You can't do anything more right now. I know that is easy for me to say, but it is true. Let her know that you will be there for her if she ever really wants help.

I am sorry to say this about anyones family, but...do not let them drag you down.