i am in a dilemma that could spoil my wedding please help?

Question

I have been living with my boyfriend for 2 years we are getting married in august

My mum does not know we live together it is taboo in our culture if she gets to know that we have been living together and she will be very upset she might even cut me off the family and call me a disgrace to the family name .I just got a mail she is coming in 3 days ...what do i do?she assumes she will be staying with me ,but i live with my partner and his 2 kids(not the best behaved) i know i am in big trouble but i love my mum she looked after us single handed ,she was hurt when she could not attend my brother's wedding as we are only two kids i don't want her to miss mine,how do i break this to her,if i tell her she will not come.

Answer 1

Mimij, it doesn't sound like your putting much faith in how your mom will react. Although I'm certain that she will probably be hurt to think that you have been untruthful to her to date she will get over this and be proud of the fact that you are getting married. A child is a parents child until the day you take your last breath and as such (especially if she likes your mate) she will be happy for you. I would suggest that if you don't inform her before she comes that you do take some time to be alone with her and share what has been happening and be open and honest with her. Tell her of your fears and hopefully she will put them to rest. Good luck and remember be honest.

Answer 2

If you are old enough to get married , you are old enough to be an adult now in your relationship with your mother. You will simply have to tell her. Call her and say that you havent told her this since you didnt want her to be upset but since she is going to visit, it is necessary to tell her. Let her know the circumstances, that you are sorry if it upsets her , but that you are adult now and so there is nothing you can do. Tell her you hope she will come to your wedding. I feel if she is so rigid she wont, that is her problem. There is no way you can keep this a secret with your fiances children. The truth is always best-even though some people will not like it. Also, she may just surprise you and not be as upset as you think. But DO give her time to think about it for the next 3 days before she comes.

Answer 3

I do not feel sorry for you at all, I think that by lying to your mother, you're not only hurting yourself, but you're also hurting your fiance, his kids, and your mom. Are you ready to be a wife/mother if you are not mature enough to face your mother? I knew my parents wouldn't be the happiest people when I told them I was moving in with my bf, now fiance, but I told them anyways, and was actually surprised how well they took it, and now that they've gotten to know him, they love him as a part of the family. I'd say you need to tell your mother...and soon. Maybe if you give her a month or so, she'll cool off, and will probably still attend your wedding...you ARE her only daughter. If you don't tell her, she'll probably find out later...and it will be even worse. If you absolutely have to lie, just tell her you moved in together a month ago, just to see if you could stand living together before you actually got married...a lot of people do it nowadays, and it's better than finding out 10 minutes after you're married that you can't stand each other.

Answer 4

Your mom really should love you unconditionally. I think that if you tell her ahead of time (You should have told her a long time ago...2 years ago) that you were planning to live with your man. But since you didn't you should just go ahead and break it to her. You're grown and it's your life and regardless of the fact (if you try to hide it then you'll be only fooling youreself) you are still living with him. So trying to cover it up wont help.
I believe that your mom would respect you a lot more if you just went ahead and was honest with her in the first place.
The only thing to do now is to tell her before she comes that he's moved in and this is the way it is. She is welcome to stay or not stay. Accept you and your lifestyle.

Answer 5

You know what, you are an adult. If your mother cannot handle the decisions you have made as an adult and is willing to cut you off then that may be best. A real mother should never react that way towards her children, no matter how disappointed she may be. If she says she will not come tell her the only person she is hurting is herself and move on. Unfortunately, we cannot choose our family.

Answer 6

Hi Dear;

Well as a mother I can tell you that she'll love you no matter what so you have to be honest with her and tell her the truth. Start by telling her how much you love her and how you look forward to seeing her, and then brake the news. I am sure she'll understand and even if she gets mad at first she'll reconsider later on.

We are living different times now and I she has to understand that children are gifts from God and there comes a time where we have to let them free, and even if they make mistakes or do things we don't approve of we have to love them unconditionally.

Best of luck,

Gaby
[e-mail]

Answer 7

It will be better to tell her now, instead of having her find out some other way later on down the road. You should just be upfront and honest with her, that way you dont have to be nervous worrying about it all the time. It is best to be honest with those you love, even if it will hurt them.
I know it is easy for other people to tell you that, I know it is hatd to really do, but I bet you will feel better about it in the long run.

Answer 8

tell her before she gets there. unfortunatly you knew what you were doing was a no no to the family and you have to deal with her reaction.
maybe your mom has caught up with the times and she will be ticked but understanding.
i'd also have a talk with your fiance and his kids and make sure the kids are on the best behavior when mum arrives or heads will roll.
don't let the kids walk all over your - discipline them so they don't turn in to brats (or bigger brats then they are)
show your mum you can be a mother as well as a bride too!

Answer 9

I'm thinking this is something you should have thought about before shacking up with him. There are a few red flags here. One, the fact that you are unable to admit the truth to your own family, and two, the fact that you said his kids aren't the best behaved. That will haunt you, because it will probably cause problems in your marriage.

Answer 10

Do you have a female friend that you could stay with? That may save a little face for you, but isn't your Mom eventually going to meet him and his kids? You know that even the best behaved kids don't keep their mouths shut when you want them to, and it sounds like his kids will spill the secret with glee. You are going to either have to face her dissappointment in your situation or keep lying to her - that's your only choices.

Good Luck