how do you deal with a mother that acts like a child?

Question

I do what she asks, whether it's dishes or homework. She argues I should get it done faster, or about it when I do it. I clean up her messes, when she blames it on me. I never complain to her, even when she calls me useless. When I ask for her help, she declines and says she "quits". I am nothing but a trophy to her, and if I dont do something that she wants to show off(mainly to the family), she gets mad. How do I deal with a mother thats able bodied, but doesn't want to get a job? how do I deal with a mother that would rather buy a flat screen t.v with my child support, instead of a new computer for school? How do I deal with a mother that complains about helping me with home-schooling, when she is the one insisting on it?

I know this sounds brattish to all the mothers, but I am basically to tears with her. She treats me wrong, even when I do everything for her.

I also apoligize to all the other mothers out there that basically are good to the heart.

To be honest I have a dad, but he's never there for me when I am at my worst.

I am thinking of moving back to my hometown with a sibling(and after I help her get up on her feet I'll move into a apartment w/ a friend of mine). The thing my dad wants me to do is accept him, and act like he's always been there, when I hardly know him. I would be glad to, if he didn't have problems(probation etc etc).

Thanks in adavance.

Answer 1

Babbaler, I too have this problem... I am 32 years old and I feel like I have to be the "mom". My mom is childish and irresponsible. I don't understand the decisions she makes or the things she says. Growing up, she tried to give me the best of everything. For example, every year she insisted on going away for a week long vacation to Disney World. The problem is, she lived paycheck to paycheck, so when we returned home, we wouldn't have electricity for a week because she spend her money on the vacation. I started beauty pageants at the age of 8. She would spend her last dime to put me in every single pageant, get me a dress or whatever I needed, but again... we wouldn't have the rent money and then we'd be evicted. I can't tell you how many times we moved and how many different schools I went to. Last week, she called and asked me to borrow a $1000.00 - she won a settlement last year of $45k and between her, my sister and my dad, there should have been at last half of that left over! I appreciate everything my mother did for me, but at the same time, I resent that she couldn't just be a "mother" and teach me responsibility at the same time. I struggled through my 20's because of what I learned growing up. Even today, I don't understand the decisions she makes. Its not that I just don't agree with them, they are just not normal. For example, I have a younger sister (she's 16). She's been in a lot of trouble and is currently under a court order. While she has been under this court order, my mother has caught my sister sneaking out in the middle of the night, drinking alcohol, and other things that I'm sure her counselors and the judge would not approve of. My mother keeps this information from the counselors and judge to protect her. When in fact, she is only hurting her. Just like she hurt me by not teaching me responsibility. Another thing you said that caught my attention was you felt like a trophy to her. When I started pageants, I felt like I was my mom's "Barbie". I had to wear what SHE wanted me to wear and do things the way SHE wanted me to even if I didn't like it. She was very controlling. She'll never admit when she's done something wrong or say I'm sorry. And until this day, if I am struggling with something or I'm having a disagreement with someone, she ALWAYS takes the other persons side - even if it is completely obvious the other person is at fault! Even today, I still don't understand but I do know that she will never change. I don't know how old you are, but if you are able to get away and start a life of your own, DO IT! I still live in the same city where my mom lives and I think our relationship would not be so strained if I did not see or talk to her so often. Another point to bring up that is very important here.... my mother is not a bad person, just irresponsible and naive. She actually has a big heart and would help anyone who needed it. She's very sociable and friendly. I made a decision a long time ago to take the good things my mother taught me - being friendly, sociable, etc. And leave the bad behind. Don't make the same mistakes your mother has made with you. And don't try to change her, because she won't change. Just accept her for who she is. Pick and choose your battles and bite your tongue whenever you can because she IS your mother and somehow, she got you this far to know the difference between right and wrong. Your mom is adult, its time to stop worrying about her and worry about YOU. That's what I finally had to do. Good Luck!

Answer 2

First off you already know your mother is difficult so don't do anything to set her off. Example: You wanted photos of you and dad, you should have taken several different kinds, like with just you and mom and dad and mom and you and dad. She might have excepted that better. Second, leave your child at home and go have that talk with her. Let her say everything that is bothering her without interruption. When she has finished then tell her how she disrespects you and how she makes you feel, if she tries to interrupt remind her that she had her say and it is your turn. She will never change but at the end of the day, she is your mother and she won't be here forever.Always show your daughter how to take the high road. Good luck and my prayers are with you and your dad.

Answer 3

Ok, I believe that there's only one thing you can do here. Honestly. There's no more to do but to have a very serious conversation with your mother, I can see very clear here who's the mature one, and that's you, You are the one who your mom needs to hear.
She need to know how you feel, you need to explain how the things she does are affecting you, tell her your needs, and something needs to be done and change here. Tell her your studies are the most important thing to you.
Tell her you love her very much, but, something needs to be done on these issues. Tell her that there's nothing else that you wish for, but to have a wonderful mother-daughter relationship.
About your Dad, I don't think he's in paradise, trouble lives with him.....I would not choose to go there.

But if you see any results with your mom, talk to someone very close to you from the family and maybe you can move there???/ I don't know your family members, your thinking on this one.
I don't know your age, but child support stops at 18. Maybe if you move out your father can continue helping you . Very important!!! get an education!!! tha's the only safest way to become independent!!! Good Luck, kiddo.

Answer 4

I'm sorry you have such problem with your mother. She seems to be focused on you, you, you, and that's not good.
She needs to show you off and to make you achieve even more and get even more skills, she criticizes you.
At least, that's the picture I'm getting from what you have written.
If your child support went to a flat screen TV, that shows that she cares about owning some status symbols too. It doesn't sound like she feels financially secure enough to handle affording that on her own.
She insists on home-schooling because that is somehow more manageable and scares her less than sending you to a public school. I think you probably NEED to go to a public school, instead of leaving home and moving in with a sibling.
You don't give your age but at any age, you would be better off in a public school because you'd have more classes to choose from and more skilled teaching. The kids who benefit the most from home schooling have some proven need to work at a different pace but you don't seem to have that.
Look at it from her perspective: if you go to a public school, she has to come up with money for lots of expenses that probably scare her. Transportation, clothing, lunches, activity fees - those are just some of the things she does not have to deal with if she homeschools you.
The good news is that she seems to have done a good job with you so far. You are even afraid to be rude to the mothers who read your question - how refreshing, when there are plenty of kids who insult mothers in general because they are angry with their own mothers!
Why not discuss with your mother your desire to go to a public school and that you recognize what a change that would be. You could tell her that you want to make it as easy as possible for her to work part-time (or even full time) so you are willing to do anything she can suggest to put her mind at ease about such a big change. Try to sympathize with the money problems that are a part of change.
Your dad is a whole other issue. If he's not involved now, maybe he wants to be. But you can bring him into your own life at your own pace. And if you want or if you don't, it's up to you.
Your sibling is not going to help you with your educational goals. Frankly, that is what is going to help you in the big wide world - education. You want to live on your own, get the best education you possibly can and then HELLO World!
Good luck!

Answer 5

That's a horrible situation. No, you do not sound bratty. You presented the situation in a very mature and understandable way and I applaud you for that. Unfortunately, there is not much more you can do than to put up with it until you move out. Another sad fact: you probably will not have a very good relationship with her even after you are out of her control. You sound intelligent enough to keep yourself on the right path. So just focus on school, get good grades, go to college, and find a man that you won't be divorcing after you have babies with him.

Answer 6

hmm is there a dad in the picture? Would you be willing to live with him instead? Tell your dad what is going on with his money and maybe see if you can get a relationship going with him.
Sounds like you need someone to advocate on your behalf. Does your mom have any relatives with whom you are on good terms and who love you? Would talking to them help?
You sound mature enough to know what you need.
I know this isn't a great answer, but I think your best bet would be to talk to your dad and see what he can do to help you. If that's not an option, how about someone at your school or another close adult you like and trust.
Hang in there...

Answer 7

As a mum I probably shoudln't say this - but is there a grandma or someone else you could stay with. For homeschooling do you need to have a Board of Studies interveiw - you could possible talk to the board of studies and tel them your situation, and they can force your mum to send you to school.

Is there a close family friend you can talk to who might be able to challenge your mum?

Its a horrible feeling to feel like you are never good enough for your mum. And I hope that there are other people in your life who you feel love you.

Answer 8

Understand that you can't change anyone but yourself and your reactions to others. I'd suggest you develop a shield of sorts knowing that you'll never please her no matter how hard you try or how perfect you are. This is a very dysfunctional situation and you need to leave this situation with your self-worth intact because if you don't, you'll continue to get yourself in other dysfunctional relationships. Know your own worth, your abilities, and your goodness and learn to let her comments roll off your back like it's made of Teflon. Don't take her comments, her words - to heart because they'll just break it.

Answer 9

My nephew was going through the same thing. Unfortunately, he could not do anything about it. He just finished school and moved out. Just don't disrespect your mother, let it go in one ear and out the other. Take what she tells you with a grain of salt. Your mother will realize sooner or later that she could have made better choices.
God sees everything and your mother and my sister will have to answer to the Lord. Just focus on your school, graduate, move out, go to college, get your degree! You can do anything you put your mind to if you believe in yourself.

Answer 10

I guess my first question is how old are you? That will help me a lot in answering your questions.

We have different perceptions of those around us at different ages. Including your Mom.

I would talk with another adult in your life, just to get it off your chest - a Grandparent, Aunt, someone at church if you go.

Does your situation have a social worker? If so, try talking to that person. Since you don't go to public school, that's not available to you.