Should I forgive my mom?

Question

When I was 15 I made some mistakes. I decided to change and meant it, but my mom was cruel, said she didn't trust me. She ended up agreeing I had changed and said she was proud of me, but I couldn't see her as a loving mon any more. I've never got over and today, 9 years later, a mom, graduated, I hardly talk to her. She had a problem and despite my extreme ressentment, I helped her. But now she broke her word about something serious involving money and she's not a teen. She apologized, pleaded with me to forgive. If shen hadn't been so cruel to me I'd forgive and forget, but, though my hubby doesn't agree, I'm about to do to her what she did to me. She was so cruel to me when I was a teen, so how come she asks for forgiveness and trust when she messes up much more seriously at age 50?

Answer 1

The Mother Becomes the Daughter and the Daughter becomes the Mother;
With all that you have told me, You and your mother are locked into a spiritual Ying Yang, you can either be like a dry piece of Tender next to the flames your mom has burned with for years, or you can be a Spring Rain and end the Forrest Fire before all that is green is burnt earth.. do nothing of the kind to your mother, Tis time for you to lead your mother to a better path, treat her as if GOD were giving you a test to see what you have learned, Make yourself proud of you and perhaps your mother as well, Be the BETTER PERSON, children are to be better than the parent not just like them, ever heard CATS IN THE CRADDLE? don't do it, dont grow up to be just like her :) less the next time the drama plays out, shall be you as the One in debt to your child and the vicious cycle will continue, stop it now with the greatest power in the universe, the power of Forgiveness! :)

Answer 2

Let me tell you as someone who is 54, the messing up stuff doesn't disappear because of age.

However, you barely have a handle on your anger with your mom. She let you down, and she didn't do the right thing. As a mom, you should already have the realization that there isn't a manual that comes with a kid, especially teens. She may have done all that she knew how to do. Regardless it wasn't the right thing for you, and you haven't been able to put it aside. This has dredged up all those old feelings because you were testing her and she failed again. I don't really think the right or the wrong of that is important.

The important part is that you are so angry that you are about to explode. You need to get counseling to learn the tools to help you with this. You have a child and I can tell you that it is very easy to fall into the same patterns with your child that your mother had with you, if you don't learn not to. Anger will eat you up inside, and while I don't really care if you forgive your mom, you need to forgive yourself.

I think that's alot of what you are dealing with, that you never actually forgave yourself.

Not all mothers are warm, nurturing and cookie baking. Some are just woman who didn't have enough sense to know they shouldn't reproduce. My mom is one of those, and it sounds like yours might be too.

However, generousity of the heart is a trait you want to nurture your child to have, and to do that you have to have it first. I say live and learn with your mom, don't worry about being distant, and get some counseling to put your feelings in perspective. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

Well, as you know everyone makes mistakes they regret. If she has constantly made mistake after mistake and kept asking for forgiveness like it was nothing every time, then it might be a different story.

But from what you have described, you had a falling out when you were a teen, and then just now she broke a promise to you. If she is asking for forgiveness, and truly means it I would forgive her. Your family is all you have in this life - friends come and go, people come in and out of your life - but your family is always your family, and they are always there. I believe that you should do whatever you need to be close to your family - because they need you and you need them

Now I am not in your situation, but that's what I would do...

Answer 4

To forgive is to relinquish the right to punish. However, it does not mean that you need to trust her again in that same way. You can give up hard feelings and move forward but now you know how she is with money. Next time you don't have to give you all your trust.
Forgiveness is mostly for yourself and your own happiness first. Give up the anger so the quality of your life is better. The goal is to have the most joy in this life that you can.
There are great books on forgiveness out there:
Radical Forgiveness - Colin Tipping
and
How Can I Forgive You? - Janis A. Spring

Answer 5

I know exactly how you feel. My mom and dad got divorced when I was 5. We moved about 250 miles away from him. I saw him in summer and that was about it till I was 15 and he died 2 months before I turned 16. Me and my mom never got along. She wasn't the mom that you could talk to about ANYTHING. I was always grounded. I wasn't a bad kid just didn't apply myself in school. She was flat out a *****. I don't know if your dad is around or if your close to him or not. My dad was my best friend. I am now 26. Me and my mom aren't close but we're closer. I've basically gotten over how she was when I was growing up. Her being my only parent i think has a lot to do with it. I have 3 kids and she gets involved too much w/o even thinking twice about it and I get irritated. If I were you, she's not going to be around forever. I would forgive and just move on. It doens't mean that you have to be best friends with her or anything. But losing a parent, if you continue to resent her and something happens you will never forgive yourself. Hope this helps!

Answer 6

Yes, I agree with your husband, Forgive your mom.
Both you and your mom are humans. As such we all even the very best ones have goofed.
Both of you had and have problems. What do you think it will do to you holding onto this resentment? Every thought you don't want in your mind will only get bigger. What will you do so you won't retaliate? Two wrongs don't make a right. Many of us have made promises and haven't kept them one time or the other. How about you, have you broken a promise? This is why it is important for you to forgive your mother. You will have peace of mind. As for your mother and her problems, she is the one who needs to make it right. Give your mother the support that she needs at this time but don't let mother make her Problem your problem. Meditating on and living in the past will keep you down and you don't want that. So two things I leave with you that you must do, LOVE your mother and Forgive her. When you truly do this you please God whether you belive in Him or not.

Answer 7

She is human just like you and makes mistakes. She is your only Mom and I would try and forgive. We all make mistakes and say and do cruel things. My Mom has said some awful things to me, especially when I was a teen. I love my Mom despite her shortcomings. I forgive and I forget. Revenge is not the answer. Just be the bigger person and be there for your Mom, she needs you and obviously looks up to you. You are a mother now yourself and you should start to understand how relationships work. Would you like your own daughter doing this to you when she grows up?? No I do not think so. Love your Mother, stand by her. One day she will be gone and then what???????????

Answer 8

Doing to her what she did to you isn't going to solve the problem- it will compound it. It won't even really make you feel any better and it certainly won't erase the past. Forgiving not only lets the offender off the hook, it lets you off too. Your Mom made a mistake. She's sorry. Forgive her and move on. Your Mom loves you and wants a good relationship with you, but it sounds like you want to live in the past where all the crap is. You need to look forward to what could be, not back to what was.

Answer 9

Resements are A real hard thing to let go of with parents! My step dad was A real tool as I was growing up A drunk who liked to beat his wife and step kids.I went through that till I was 16. I had 2 jobs and moved out. I have forgave him his his past transgressions.I had to or it was going to kill me. I became what he was except for I did not beat my son ,I became A drunk and the boze all most killed me.I got in to AA and once I worked the steps and forgave him it was as though I had the twin towers lifted off me. I can now drink a beer and not keep drinkinguntill i pass out.It is 13 years seince I forgave him and I didnt start to drink untill this summer. You will find that revenge is A dish best served cold.That is how your gonna feel once you get even with your mom.

Answer 10

Beth. Take some advice here. From your post I can see that you are a sensitive person. Carrying hate, resentment etc around with you is not healthy (spirit and body). Forgive her after all she is your mother. Chronologically privileged adults also make serious mistakes. Be the bigger person, forgive (and try to forget) you will feel better for it.. been there, promise.