Why can’t my ex-husband, family and friends just accept that I don’t want to be a part of my daughter's life?

Question

My ex-husband and I got married at 27 and at the time he was fully aware that I never intended to have children and he told me he was ok with that. I couldn’t find a doctor who’d let me get my tubes tied in my 20’s so I took every other precaution I had available to make sure I didn’t get pregnant. After 3 years of marriage I got pregnant and was determined to abort it but everyone around me especially my husband begged me to reconsider assuring me I’d feel different once she was born. I ended up having my daughter , signing away all parental rights and divorcing him because I didn’t see how we could make it work with a baby I never wanted in our lives. I see my daughter about four times a month when dropping off the 5 dogs we share custody over. My family has virtually disowned me for not having any contact with my daughter who turned 3 last week. Why can’t they just understand that I don’t want to be part of her life? Note: At the insistence of my mother who adores children, I went to several doctors who all confirmed that I’m not suffering from any type of depression and am in perfect health. I just recently got a promotion with a significant pay increase and have a wonderful boyfriend of a year and just couldn’t be happier. Why can’t they be happy for me?

Answer 1

i have been sitting here trying to get my words the way i wanted to write them. i am sorry that you feel like you do not need to be a part of your daughter's life. i can not have children of my own so it is very hard for me to understand how you feel. i want to be nice so here i go. i am glad that you signed your rights over, if you know you can not be a good mother it is better for the little girl to be with out you. i wish that you would try and bond with her. i have never meet a child i did not fall in love with but everyone is different. maybe one day if it is not to late to have a relationship. i wish you the best life and i hope you do not regret this choice you have made. i hope you are more careful in the future about not getting pregnant. i will pray for you and your daughter. good luck.

Answer 2

Okay so you've taken a lot of hard hits from a lot of people who can't see your point of view like your family.
Now let me say that I give you an applause for not being selfish when you wanted an abortion and knew that your husband wanted the baby, so you had your daughter. Let me also applaud you on the fact that knowing you didn't want to be a "mom" you signed over your rights and gave this man a "gift" of a beautiful daughter and didn't keep the child for monetary gain or make her life miserable by pretending to be someone you're not, a mom. That takes courage my friend!
There are so many children in this world living in homes where they truly are not wanted but the parents didn't have the courage to do right by their child. Giving birth doesn't make you a mom, nor does lying with a woman and getting her pregnant make a man a father, it's the long hours, days, weeks and years afterwards that you put into the relationship with the child that earns you the right to be called their parent.
This is from a woman who was given up for adoption as a child, and maybe I just have a little different opinion than the majority of people out there.

Answer 3

They can't be happy for you because they see that this little girl needs a mother and you are a rejecting mother.
You were at least honest about not wanting to be pregnant and not wanting a child and you did the best thing you could for her. She still needs a mother and will be hurt by your rejection and no number of 'I told you so's' is going to change that perception in your family's eyes.
The best thing that could happen would be if your ex-husband remarried happily and provided a stable 2-parent household for this child. Let's just hope that happens soon because the sooner that happens, the sooner your family can start to relax a little bit.
Maybe it will dawn on them then that you reluctantly gave life to this child but given the choice, you could have aborted and you didn't. Not for any other reason than familial pressure but you still gave life to this child. Someday, some small measure of gratitude will come back to you for that.
Your wonderful boyfriend of a year will be your wonderful boyfriend for a much longer time, I'm sure, if at least one of you is 'fixed' so you can't conceive. Don't let this happen again.... since it is your deep desire not to reproduce, share that commitment with him and have it part of your relationship. However, unless he has already reproduced with a previous wife and has children already, don't be surprised if you get the shock of your life when children become a main issue with this new boyfriend.

Answer 4

To a certain degree I can understand your feelings. When I was 21 I became pregnant and the (fill in the blank) father (using that term loosely) got a 16 year old girl pregnant as well and married her. I still had 1 yr of college left to go. I was not able to raise my son so I put him up for adoption. I still have feelings for this child and know he is the most beautiful child and that he was well taken care of and loved so you having no feelings for the child that grew in you I don't really understand. I understand you loving the dogs like they were children. I was married and had 2 boys. I left my husband because he was abusive to me, but he broke me down and I left the boys with him. I could not raise them at that time. We have joint custody of them though. I love my boys very much. Right now I am with the man I should have married-the one I was with before I met my husband but the fact that I am white and he is black and we are now raising our adorable 4 yr old Autistic child together is not a good match for my family. They pretty much have disowned me as have your family. It has to do with the generation of our parents. The women were the nurturers and meant to stay in the marriage no matter what and have children. There are similarities in our stories. I do feel some of your pain and understand some of it, more than most people that have read your question. I hope you find peace. I am trying to find peace for myself and my family and maybe today will be the day I will be allowed to call my mom. She does not even want me to call her since my dad died 3 years ago. She sent an email stating she could not handle that type of communication with me b/c she does not agree with my decisions. Godd Luck!

Answer 5

I cannot believe that you would post something that cruel on this site. Your daughter is a human being and despite the fact that you didn't want kids, you did have her. You carried this child in your womb for 9 months and you're telling me that you would rather have shared custody of the dogs and not your daughter?

It's a blessing that she has a caring, loving father that's stepping up to his responsibilities as a parent and raising this child.

One day you will regret the selfish decisions that you have made in your life.

You want your family to be happy for you? For what? Why should they be happy for a person that has disregarded her child? How can anyone be happy for a person who purposely hurts another person and especially a child? Your daughter needs you in her life. There's no one that could ever take the place of you and you would rather have joint custody over dogs than your daughter? I cannot believe that you would put this on this site. YOU ARE A CRUEL HUMAN BEING....

I would disown you too....Note: The doctors lied....something is wrong with you.....

Answer 6

First of all i am the mother of 3 kids. In alot of ways i have alot of respect for your situation! I am glad you had the courage to confess your true feelings instead of sticking around and messing up a childs life. But i guess my concern is that if this child sees that her mother is around to care for the dogs but not her it is going to cause some major issues for her. Maybe you need to leave the dogs and just move on with your life. Men do this all the time and i dont hear people telling them how worthless they are. Why is it that society accepts a man not wanting to be a father but cant accept the fact that a woman does not want to be a mother. You just need to do the best thing and if you are going to walk away then totally walk away..... dogs and all!!! Dont let this baby grow up thinking that the dogs are more important to you than she is just make a clean break and i wish you a very happy life. Keep your chin up and if you dont want any kids please make sure it just doesnt happen again it is so hard for a child to grow up without either parent.

Answer 7

How in the hell can you be happy with a boyfriend and 5 damn animals and NOT your baby? Are you kidding me. I mean we go through it where we just need a break, but you actually took the break and chose some dogs and a man over your child. I certainly hope you grow up before she... yes she hates you!
This is really sad, I understand NOT wanting to be a parent, but 3 years later your Mommyness hasn't kicked in?
I sure hope you don't let her see how unhappy you are. Do her a favor and stay out of her life. Nothing like a part time Mom, with part time love, for a full time child.
This makes me ill...
Your family is right... they should be pissed and you should feel like ****!

Answer 8

The country I were I was born we believe that ANY CHILD IS MY CHILD.
In a way it may be better for the child .
I would not like to be around a selfish person.
We were taught those who are selfish never share and never care.
I try to understand how can a person who hates ones own flesh and blood could love some one else.
I got a promotion , I got an increase. I got wonderful boyfriend, I am happy.No, you just think you are happy.You happiness is the by-product of the things you want.There is truth and reality and you are living in reality and some day soon TRUTH will visit you.

Answer 9

I don't think you should be allowed to call that child "your daughter", due to all the rights you gave away. Why do you have custody? (or is custody for the dogs????) You should not have any custody over her............but be aware that you need to give child support in case you do. I perfectly know you don't have any deppression in your life and you are very aware of the things you do. I understand that you never wished to be a mom, and sadly you are......and that's tough.
Your child is dead in life to you, and I hope that one day, you won't resent that and pay consequences, because that child will be an adult one day.......... I feel very sorry for that child, it's not in any way her fault. But Thank God, she has a family and most important he Dad, who will be with her always.
Only thing to do is just to make her life as happy as possible, but tough times will come, I hope that family will be there for here when she needs like all of us, a Mom.
Enjoy your promotion and enjoy you new partner. But I honestly doubt you will have peace in your life and being able to have a good night sleep.

Answer 10

Women are suppose to have kids and be good mothers as the way of the world. I commend you for being honest about what you don't and do want. If you are happy with the decision that you have made then those around you should be as well. I can understand your mom's point of view because she wants to get to know her grand child she wants the time to spend with her and the sleep overs with her. Not ever woman can be a good mom and even though some of us try we still fail, not to say that you would have been a terrible mom. As I type this ans. to you I also think to myself why would you not want to be an mom, but it hits me as well that some women don't want kids in their lives this is o.k. If your daughter at 13 wants to be a part of your life would you allow her? I don't see anything wrong with your choice, at least you were upfront and honest.