How to make sure the child support i am paying is going to the child?

Question

After 10yrs it has been brought to my attention that I am a father of a child. Not believing that I had a DNA test done which turned out to be mine. So, now there is a question of Child Support. No problem since I would like to get to know my son. My issue here is that the mother has a total of 5 kids 3 from her husband and 2 from different fathers. I do not believe that my son will receive all the funds. Now I have a daughter and know what it takes to support her with everything and anything she wants clothes, toys, medical, food and the amount the mother is getting from me is a ridiculous amount of money.

Now my question here is; how do I make sure my son is getting all the money I am paying?

Fathers should know where the money is going first off. Second she kept my son from me for 10 years. No, I was not paying for I did not know he existed. Why does she not have some penalty to face for keeping him from me??

As for all the bitter (yes BITTER) mothers replying to this question. Sorry your partner left you but this is a different issue here. A paying parent (mother or father) should have to account for all funds being used (maybe, not to the cent but a reasonable dollar amount.)


7-22 update
Meet my son for the first time yesterday. He is looks healthy and cute like his father. I bought him some legos and activity books and he loved the legos. Will see him in 2 weeks and can’t wait.

From what I know he has No bike to ride, shares a room with brothers and they live with her husband’s family all in the same house. They have no cars of their own so, if I see a new car in the drive way I will go right to the courts with that.

Answer 1

first, i would like to say i think its great your taking interest in your childs life.

there are 2 kinds of parents;
-those who love and take interest in the child(ren)
-those who view their child(ren) as a burden/chore.

you are the exception to the rule... AND thank you. thank you for showing your son (as well as other parents) how a father should act.
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no amount of child support is 'ridiculous'; for it can only better the childs lives (able to see movies, go on class trips, get an ice cream cone, keep warm and safe, get clothing etc etc).
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YOU SON DOES NOT RECEIVE THE FUNDS and never will. its for living expenses, and courts today go by BOTH parents incomes (most states), thus, BOTH parents contribute to the support of said child(ren).

its called "Child Support" ... not... "Child Trust Fund".
if you wanted to set up a Trust Fund for your son, that would be great; he could use it for college (you'll be paying a % for that also), or maybe he'll need a car when he starts driving... who knows.
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CHILD SUPPORT CALCULATOR
http://www.alllaw.com/calculators/childsupport/

FED FAQ
http://faq.acf.hhs.gov/cgi-bin/childsupportenforcement.cfg/php/enduser/std_alp.php?p_cat_lvl1=1

YOUR STATES CS POLICY AND STATE SITES & OFFICES
http://childsupportcenter.org/stateprofiles.php
http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cse/extinf.html
http://ocse.acf.hhs.gov/int/directories/index.cfm?fuseaction=main.extivdlist

ABANDONMENT (NO SHOW PARENTS)
http://www.alllaw.com/articles/family/

NOT ALL PARENTS LOVE THEIR CHILDREN
And "RATIONAL LIES"
http://www.alllaw.com/articles/family/child_custody/article7.asp

Answer 2

Sorry to hear of your situation and I applaud you for caring to see your child unfortunately all you can do is watch for signs of neglect. You said the child looks healthy and seems happy so for now there is not much you can do . I'm sure that the money goes toward the Care for the child though because it takes more than you might think You're a new parent and I understand if you think the diapers and all are expensive enough but really it only gets worse as they get older and boys grow out of clothes and shoes supper fast especially at his age. Just keep up the good work getting to know your son! The best thing you can do is just be his friend right now this isn't easy for him getting to know a stranger that he has learned is his father.

Answer 3

Yes, it is child support-which goes to support the child (roof, lights, water, food, clothes, necessities, etc). Yes, it is unfair that father's get screwed. Yes, it is unfair that men are penalized for lack of knowledge, while women are celebrated for 'making the bastard pay', even if it is 10 years later.
There are a couple of things I disagree with:
"Just pay the money and shut up, be happy that......": Only knowing that the child existed, and learning about the living conditions, I don't imagine it is easy to 'be happy that' his child is living within a family of 7 (learning later in the husband's parents' home).
"No amount of money is a ridiculous amount" : There is such a thing as a ridiculous amount of money to spend on your children. Also, child support is to support the child, not the mother. Both parents are responsible for the necessities. If the non-custodial parent is paying a significant amount of the custodial's house hold income-- that is ridiculous.
My suggestion: Get an attorney (many states/counties) have a Father's Rights Advocacy Office or contact the Attorney General in your state. You can request a modification hearing. Make sure to include that you have a dependent (daughter) living in your home, and that the mother is living with her inlaws and probably doesn't have a lot of overhead living expenses (seperate from the children). If you have a reason, you can always petition the court for custody (although you will have to have a REALLY STRONG CASE to take a child away from his mother-and financial status isn't good enough).

Shame on the person who suggested that you interrogate your son about where the money is going!!! That is not the child's job. His world has been turned upside down with the introduction of a father he never knew. To put the child in the position of a tattle tale isn't fair. This man sounds like a respectable, responsible person. A parent should NEVER put a child in the position to bad mouth the other parent, and the Parent should never bad mouth the other one in the child's hearing, EVER!!!! The truth about the living situation will come out in conversation with his new to him dad.

If you do suspect that your child support is being mis-spent, look on the bright side-paying keeps you out of jail and puts you in a good position legally as long as you pay it. If you notice things he needs, get them on your visits. It will be up to you whether he can take them home, or stay at your house. (clothes, toys, bikes, etc). If you let them go home, do so with the understanding that they will be shared among the other children. If you set the rule that he gets cool things that he is not allowed to share, it will set him apart from his siblings and cause alot of problems with Her.

Sorry this is so long. This is a hot-button issue. My mom NEVER got child support for me growing up-so I heard the 'bitter woman' routine for years. My husband has a son that he very rarely paid child support for, and very rarely saw-child's mother kept him away. His son came to live with us last year. The ex released the back child support owed-he no longer owes back child support; and we receive no child support-fair trade. I used to believe in the 'support your child, the allocation is none of your business' , until I saw my husband get royally screwed over this issue.

Answer 4

There is no way for yu to be able to ensure that the exact amount of money you give her goes directly to your son per se. As a single mom collecting child support, it all does go to your child per se.

A lot of people believe that child support is money to be given to a child to buy toys or or as an allowance to the child.WRONG. It 's child SUPPORT. so it's to be used to aid in the SUPPORT of a child. If you see a new car in the driveway...no offense, but Im pretty sure whatever youre paying is not enought to buy a new car.
I bought another car shortly before I started support preceedings w/ my son's father....WHY ?? Have you ever tried standing at a bus stopin a Huge blizzard or rainstorm while at the same time trying to keep youre child from getting wet or sick?? NOt easy...How about grocery shopping?? Would you rather see your 10 year old schlepping a bunch of heavy bags from the store or be able to hop in the car and go home?? Support of a is keeping a roof over their head, food in their stomachs, clothes on their back and yes toys and other luxuries. Might your son's mother use some of the money to pay the light bill?? YES...otherwise, she coud buy your son some toys and Everyone can be int he dark. Unless over time you see that she is not putting the money towards something uselful (e.g- she starts wearing fur coats and drives a beamer while your kid goes to school hungry)than let her spend the money as she sees fit. If you want to make sure he has certainthings. Offer to take him shopping....Offer to take him back to school shopping. That way you know he has all these things. Will his brothers play with his toys?? Most definitely. A mother is not going to tell her children they cant play with somehting because another child's father bought it.

Kids arent cheap...but you said you have a daughter....so you know this.....just imagine that EVERYTHING you buy for her, your son's mother has to buy for your son also.

Answer 5

You really can't know for sure, but...you can try and come up with another agreement between you and the mother, that is assuming you two have a cordial relationship. Child support is not just about clothes & food. She has every right to use your child support to go towards household bills, such as rent/mortgage, groceries, electricity...it's keeping a roof over your son's head is all I mean. I have a wonderful relationship with the father of my girls and we don't go through the courts. Ironically, it was ME that was worried he would think I was "blowing" his money on other things besides neccesities for us. He wasn't the least bit concerned and even laughed when 3 years ago I gave him a receipt for school supplies!! He trusts that I provide for the girls and he knows that whatever money he gives me goes towards raising and taking care of them...whatever the $ happens to be needed for. The "other" arrangement I was thinking of for you was that maybe you could agree on less court mandated child support and then whenever your son needs anything, she can call and tell you. You can then make sure YOU take him out and buy it for him yourself. Just a thought...GOOD LUCK!!

Answer 6

As a father, you are aware that it takes a lot to raise a child. In my experience with the court systems, judges never request a listing of expenditures. Even if they did, they also take into consideration food, clothing, household bills such as heat, electricity, rent. All of those factors are taken into account. You should also remember that if you have not been in his life for ten years, regardless of knowledge of it, the "unreasonable" amount that you pay every month is to make up for all that time that she was doing it on her own. I can understand your frustration about getting raked over the coals but step back and think of all the effort she had to make in the last ten years. Also if you want to show the courts good measure to get that reduced, any time you buy stuff for him document, document, document. I realize that although you may not trust her, the judge is ultimately in control and I have worked in the juvenile and family court for years and judges rarely make time to critique each case because it opens a pandora's box.

Answer 7

Maybe based on the kind of confused state the situation is and your concerns as to how the lady came back with the information after a decade. Plus the fact that with your income you have to make sure your daughter is not getting cheated out you should hire an attorney who arranges for the bills (medical,school, general expenses) be sent to you after they are made and you pay for them.
This way you or your attorney can keep a track and you dont have to ask your son every time you see him if he got this or not. Good luck.

Answer 8

It nice to see you are building a relationship with your son. I have a child that is not with my husband and when I had my son my ex said he hopes his money does not pay for my new baby.

Well I pay private school for my daughter, medical expenses, glasses, dental, clothes, extra curr. activites, clothes, uniforms and those are just the needs not the wants and in one week I spend more than what he gives me a month so just chill I know child support only covers a percentage of the child needs and sometimes does not even touch there wants. Unless you are some Donald Trump type of guy paying 10s of thousands a month.

But it's nice that you are building a relationship with him that is very important

Answer 9

You have two major issues that prove the legal system needs changed.

First, why do men only have limited time to claim parentage of their child, but a woman (i won't even call her a mother) can deny your daughter knowledge of her father for 10 yrs., suddenly come into your life and still sue you as if it was your fault.

Second, you have a perfect example of why child support should be accounted for. You have taken on the responsibility of paying for your daughter to be well clothed and well fed. Unfortunately you can be guaranteed that her money is being used for all the brothers, sisters and parents.

No matter how much she complains, the courts should definitely require this woman to account to show your daughter's money is being used on your daughter. That's in your daughter's best interest.

Answer 10

The money does not have to go directly to your child. It gets pooled with whatever other money the mother has to buy things for your child but also to contribute to household expenses. It would be hard to calculate the value of the 6 cookies your daughter ate from the pack of 22 or what percentage of the light bill is hers. You have the right to expect that your daughter is getting what she needs and that she has any extras your payment would cover but do not expect a penny by penny accounting. Is it possible that the support payment is high to make up for the past 10 years?

Answer 11

You dont'. Sorry. The best you can do is when you see your son you make sure his clothes look ok and are as new as they can be with a mother with 5 kids.

You can also ask him question. Like... since he is 10, what does mommy buy him.? Does he have to wear his brothers clothes..? Do you guys fight over toys, cause there are enough. See what kind of shoes he wear... Are they help together with duct tape.

You can also ask him question like... does mommy and her husband have a hot tub. ? Ask this ONLY if you think she is spending the child support on things like that. If her and her new hubby make enough money then they can spend it on what ever they want.

Sadly there is limited things you can do to find out other then asking. You also, weather you like it or not or understand it or not she does have 5 children. Whom ever Father'd them. Raising 5 children is very expensive..

Child support, other then clothes is also to go to housing, along with house hold bills, lights, gas, water...etc...

So unless you want to figure out which part is your sons and which part is her other children and which part goes for different things, you will have a hard time finding out what goes to where..


Good Luck and I m sorry....