problems with my dad - i want to heal our past.?

Question

I've had such an issue with my dad for the past two years . We hardly ever talk, but my mom and me are very very close. But anyway, my mom started hanging out with this woman at work and going to this club. I understood that because my mom loves music and she loves her friend dearly and she just wanted to go cause of her. Immediately, my father started to accuse her of cheating. One night he slammed the door and nearly broke it and my mom yelled at him until she started crying. Another night he threatened to kick her *** and kill himself. I haven't been able to heal this because me and him never talk. On those nights, i just cried. I'm still trying to talk to him but i dont want to bring the past, and i know if i do i'll just snap and yell til I can't break because of me being so mad. I just want to be able to move on from this, but I'm so still mad. I just want to know if anybody has any advice and I hope i'm not the only one going through this, and I pray for ones who are.

i wanted to add a little bit to this so people dont get confused - my dad is actually one of those really nicepeople. everybody around here love him to death because he is nice, and he really is a wonderful person and very giving. just sometimes, this "other" person creeps out. i think its from him repressing so much anger and frustration. also, my father actually cheated on my mom when i was 10. my mom told me but didnt say many details because she was hurt probably as much as he is now, but she just tried to move on. they decided to separate and live in the same house because of me and money issues. they like each other now, but everytime they bicker at each other, i get so mad at my dad, and i want to control that and not get so mad at him when he does the littlest things. i know thats me being immature, so i'm trying to stop that and understand that he's not perfect. and i've read some of the first answers and they're all amazing so thank u and thanks to ppl in advance.

Answer 1

Seems to me that you need some distance between you and call him on the phone from time to time and don't bring up the baggage. If things calm down, then visit when you can.
Good luck

Answer 2

From the sound of it, ur dad DOESN'T sound like a nice man at all. If anything, it just seems to me that he's got dependency-issues and fears getting abandoned. Sounds like he feels guilty about feeling angry and tries to cover it up by being overly-nice. My dad does the exact same thing. It's a kind of victim mentality where people act real nice and when people don't return the "love" they get all indignant and hurt. I recommend you start reading pop-psychology books and be courageous enough to confront ur past and how he really treated you. I'm doin that right now. The way I see it, understand urself first which REALLY alleviates a lot of anger cuz u know how ur personality works and then go on to work with other family issues. Maybe u could see a counselor about ur anger or if ur a guy watch or play some sports.

Answer 3

I am dealing with the same issue with a non-communicated father. In fact about two weeks ago it became a shout fest. Why he was mad I will never know. I will tell you, I read a book several years ago called Wild At Heart by John Eldridge. It is a great read and helped me move past some of the things I never forgave my dad for. I am a Christian and do not have my earthly father guiding me as I grew up. That was the hardest. Anyway, read the book and follow the instruction to what movies to watch and when to get them. Then talk to your dad.

Answer 4

Unsure what your age is but possibly speaking to a counselor at school? I know my son's school has counselors there for them. Since your Mom and you seem to be tight ask can you see a therapist let her know you are dealing with a lot of things and just want someone to talk to then that therapist can bring in the parents one by one and also together to get to the bottom of the whole thing.


I do think a letter is a great idea When writing it just try to keep the focus on what you feel and not attack or lay blame on him Even though you feel it is his fault.
I hope that made sense
Possibly asking your dad out to a local shop to sit and chat over lunch or sodas and maybe that will help keep him calm
again though try to remain focused on how You feel Not on how he acts.
This should be about You getting your feelings out as said he needs his own help possibly ask can the family seek counseling.

Answer 5

To be honest, me and my daughter haven't talked in 3 almost 4 yrs, because of a couple of dollars, about 75 to be exact, and its my daughters choice. I didn't have it to give at the time and she disrespected me. I speak to her mother, she even sent me a fathers day text. The only advice i can give u is that u need to say something to your dad. You all seem to have a temper and there is no way ur going to hear each other thru the anger. Write a letter explaining your feelings, there is no way to over talk a letter, u have to read it all the way through to the end. Be precise about how you feel, without placing any blame. Leave it for your dad at a time when your not home and he has time to think about what he just read and wont be so defensive with his response. Will give time to calm if it does make him angry.......Good Luck God Bless

Answer 6

First, understand that your dad's suicide threats and violence have nothing to do with you or your mother. It's about him. Your father has problems and he needs to address them. I understand your frustration, but until he does that, there is little you can do.

There is something you can do to help your own situation, though. Go and talk to someone. A counsellor, a therapist, a psychologist, even a priest or a pastor. Whoever makes you comfortable and is a professional. You have some deep feelings and issues on this that need to be addressed before you can approach your father.

Before you can heal the breach with your father, you need to address yourself. The time will come in the future when you and your father will come together. However, your father has some problems that he needs to take care of and you can't do that for him. Take care of yourself and everything else will fall into place.

Trust me. I know. I come from a very broken and disfunctional family.

Answer 7

It sounds like your mom and dad have some issues they need to resolve i myself would never put myself in the position of going to a club with a friend if i knew it would upset my partner my marriage is more important to me then going to a club then again if i was to have talked to my partner and they didn't have a problem with it then i guess i would have avoided the whole confrontation . It is all well in good that you have taken your moms side in this but i feel you have left out your fathers feeling in all of this i don't condone the actions he has shown or his bad behavior but he does have feelings to and i do believe he deserves to be treated with equally amounts dissatisfaction as your mom her behavior isnt exactly great im sure she has been married to this man for some time and is aware of what things upset him and for some reason your mom decided she was going to go out knowing that this would upset him . So i blame her as much as i blame him for both of them acting like children and not acting like adults they are a married couple and they need to act that way and show there children good examples to live by and they both have failed since the mother seems to be more of a friend then a parent to the daughter and the father acting like a crazy man

Answer 8

You're right to want to move on and not focus on the past. This is something that will be very difficult but in order to mend things between yourself and your father, you'll need to focus more on things that will not arouse any anger in either one of you (since it seems that he's got somewhat of a temper). Whatever happens, my prayers are with you guys.

Hope this helps.

Answer 9

we all say things we dont really mean. haven't you ever been mad at a friend and said " I'll never speak to you again", but later really didn't mean it? your dad didn't do what he said, you cant make him pay for that forever. if you ever want to move forward, stop living in the past. we are human, and we ALL make mistakes. forgive him, and let that be the end of it.

Answer 10

well have you ever...done something realy mean(mad) to someone over anger....?probably....how did you react...maybe the same way or worse....like with ur dad in example...what did you do for him doing that to your mom...and y did you do it....you say u scream in anger when you remember y...because u love ur mom....and u got mad cause ur dad made her sad...thats exactly what u both did...same goes with your dad he got mad cause of jeleousy...which usualy means love....he got jeleous cause he loves ur mom and dosent want to loose her....no no im not saying your dad is right.. all im saying is that everyone is the same might be in different extents but yeah....everyone does mistakes...and the only way to heal problems is to heal the ones inside you first....
meaning...forgive yourself for having such a grudge(hatred against ur dad) forgive your dad...even if he dosent forgive you still do...maybe in time he will realize that it all was a mistake and hell forgive you back...and not only that but forgive himself to and i bet ur dad dosent hate you...the love of a child is amongst the greatest... after all ur the one from whom decende from him...so forgive him while he can hear you..meaning still alive...trust me it will make you feel better and for your mom...do the same keep loving her...after all you are all family...
hope this heled.....
my name is jaymee im male 17
heres my email incase you need more advice ill be glad to help [e-mail]