80% of the time we get along - why wouldnt we - I work nights and he works days - never much time to argue.. It`s 20 years on down the line now and I need some security - he says things are fine as they are... Is that because he has loads of money in the bank do you think he doesnt want me to get my hands on it???? In my head - I think - well, if he died tomorrow , me and our daughter would lose it all to his first child from his first marriage - she`s a ***** who hates me for having an affair with her dad (well - her mother has poisened her against me now) - I have nothing against anybody - I work hard and give everything into the house - i just want to have that bit of security - do i give him an altimatum ?
2007-07-20 15:20:29 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous in Travel ➔ United Kingdom ➔ Other - United Kingdom
I can't really add anything apart from the helpful posts from other members. Why did you post this in the UK travel section though?
2007-07-20 16:11:29 · answer #1 · answered by jmp78 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I agree, only give an ultimatum if you are prepared for him to walk away or let you go. But really, why have you stayed with him this long when you obviously both want different things? You're right about not inheriting his money as there is no such thing as a common law relationship in England and Wales - have you raised this with him?
You need to sit down with him and have a good, long serious talk and don't let him laugh or shrug it off as it's so important to you. Tell him it's about security - emotional as well as financial - and nothing to do with trivia like white dresses or an expensive honeymoon or just being called Mrs. Good luck!
2007-07-21 05:02:55 · answer #2 · answered by PuppyPrince 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't make someone marry you they have to be willing like having sex ( if it's good they will stay) and if you been together for 20 years it can't be that bad why spoil it in giving him an ultimatum.On the other hand if you stay un-married then you need to do somethings now to safeguard your future before it's to late. If you have bought your house make sure it's in both your names,Both of you make a will to say where your assets are going to go in the event the unforeseen happens. Open a joint bank account where you both put so much in a month .Hopefully by doing all these things it will give you some sense of security and you wont even have to marry him to get these done.
2007-07-21 03:16:45 · answer #3 · answered by coley0_1 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Can U blame the child for being that way, infidelity is a high in the UK and if found out U are tarnished with a brush that remains with U for the rest of our life.
Have U asked your boyfriend about getting married, maybe he is reluctant due to having been married and what he did to cause it to fail. What if U did get hitched, what happened before may happen again....not saying it will but after 20 years together you need to make sure that he provides for U and your child, ask him directly...be honest. Do not give him an ultimatum, it would give him a reason to walk out on you and your child.
2007-07-24 21:07:00 · answer #4 · answered by Le Baron 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ultimatums rarely, if ever, work. After 20 years, I'd say he's not intent on marrying again.
What you really need to do, if you're concerned about the house and benefits, is sit down with him and explain your concerns. Then the two of you will need to see an attorney to have papers drawn up to protect you and your daughter. That way, if something *does* happen, you will know that you won't lose anything to his daughter or former wife. Yes, they may be able to collect on certain benefits, but they won't be able to collect 100%, or put you and your daughter out on the streets.
Good luck.
2007-07-20 22:33:01 · answer #5 · answered by penguino8165 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ultimatums don't work - everyone ends up losing. The only person whose behavior you can control is yourself. What I tend to do when faced with a thorny issue is to set a deadline for myself to make a decision - sort of like an ultimatum for myself. I allow myself to think about the problem from every direction, or not at all, as mood and emotions dictate. By the time I reach my deadline, my thought processes have cleared away all confusion and complications and I'm left with a decision I'm typically 100% certain is the right one for me.
It seems that your answer isn't to be found on Y!A, but has to come from within. Give yourself a deadline - I tend to favor having a weekend involved in mine - and just think about the issue from every angle possible. You'll know the right choice by the time you reach your deadline.
2007-07-20 22:32:05 · answer #6 · answered by chick2lit 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Why don't you propose to him? Make it really romantic, and show him just how much you love him - How could he refuse? After 20 years you deserve some security. If he's not willing to give you that then move on and find somebody else who is. Don't waste your life any longer. In the future your daughter will be entitled to her fair share no matter what happens - so try not to worry about that. Your happiness needs to come first for a change. :-)
2007-07-21 04:59:20 · answer #7 · answered by Butterscotch 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have the rights of a married women but not the paper to prove it - join the club, except I have been with my man for 9 years, I was previously married but he has never been and he made it clear he has no plans to do so, that its only a piece of paper, he calls me the wife but although my kids are grown up he has a 11 year old who would get everything - not that hes got anything except insurance policies.
2007-07-24 05:08:06 · answer #8 · answered by Jackie M 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I mean if in twenty years you don't have the trust to say "Darling it is time to clear things" I think you have a problem as a couple, before I answer a girl that wanted to know if propose to her boyfriend, and I have my reservations but in your case if you don't then it's going to be strange, c'mon you already have a daughter, what biggest commitment could you have? And be sure that even if he marries you to prepare a testament. Even if you only have a TV, people can kill for money, so better to assign what is for who on time.
2007-07-20 22:46:19 · answer #9 · answered by Mimis 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You can't MAKE somebody marry you & ultimatums would defeat the whole point of a marriage proposal. How can you TELL somebody to ASK you without them thinking that you are a little over powering?
However,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Next year is a Leap Year.
It's a well known & romantic tradition for women to propose on the 29th February.
I believe that is the only day they women are allowed to.
;0)
2007-07-20 23:13:27 · answer #10 · answered by sparkymarksquire 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If it's the money you're scared of losing when he dies, ask him to write a will instead. If he writes the will whilst he is not ill in anyway and can prove you have been together for 20 years once he got his divorced, the will would be difficult to contest after his death.
2007-07-21 08:01:44 · answer #11 · answered by Penfold 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋