We're both female and in our early 30's. She was abused many times from the age of 5 until she was 12 by an older male aquaintance. She's told me she has intimacy and trust issues. She's had therapy and had been on medications for a long time. She isn't in therapy or taking any medications as of now.
2007-07-20 05:00:38 · 30 answers · asked by corneliusdvm 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
You'll likely still have to accept that she is going to have issues with intimacy. She will likely have bouts of depression and feelings she really can't explain. I'm not saying it can't work but that going in with your eyes open and prepared gives the relationship a better chance.
She's never truly going to be over it. It's part of who she is.
2007-07-20 05:03:19 · answer #1 · answered by elurle 6 · 4⤊ 1⤋
Wow, you need to get this out in the open as soon as possible. I think you may have big troubles on your hands with this one. Waiting to tell him is only going to make it worse. If I were you I would take a hard look at the relationship and see if you think it has the potential to weather this storm if not it might just be time to move on with your life and chalk this up to a learning experience. Whatever you decide to do about the relationship you should seek proffesional help for the sexual abuse as you will cary this with you for the rest of your life. I wish you the best and hope that you seek help right away.
2016-05-18 02:57:00 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you will have to work hard on this relationship. Consider her feelings like a egg shell (very fragile).
I am in the same situation except I am a male. She didn't like holding hands or kissing.
I would call her & said Hi! & talk about how hearing her voice makes me feel happy. I did not smother her with "How you doing" or :what you doing".
I would do & say things to make her laugh. Laughter is medicine.
I would buy her things that she liked. Get to know what she likes & surpise her.
Do not get into arguments. Agree even when you are correct.
After a period of time things will get better.
I have been married for 13 years & been together for 14 years.
The first 3 years were the hardest, we stuck it out.
Good luck , have fun & be happy.
2007-07-20 05:16:11 · answer #3 · answered by jimineejavaa 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just know that when it comes to dealing with people who have abusive pasts you have to put in extra work. My husband wasn't abused sexually but he was neglected by every adult that he loved and trusted. The effect of that is that he is now really clingy and I'm used to it now but in the beginning it was hard. I have also had my own run in with sexual abuse and with therapy I'm proud to say that I am a survivor. I'm not going to say it wasn't hard but I am over it. I also forgive my abuser because I know that God has a plan for everyone. Your girl may have mood swings or phobias when it comes to certain things. I know I do. I don't like people smoking cigarettes near me because during my demise he put a cigarette out on my arm. It's just little things like that where you never really know until they tell you. The bottom line is don't let her past get in the way of what you all have going on now. I don't let my past affect the way I love my daughter or my husband or my mother or anyone. I don't let being a victim define me. These are things that we as women go through and as unfortunate and as painful as it is life goes on and we get stronger. If I wouldn't have gone through that who knows maybe I might be worse off than I am now. I value every experience God brings my way. I didn't see things that way then but I wish I would have. I spent many of my teenage years angry and confused about things and questions that I couldn't answer. You just have to tell her to let it go.
2007-07-20 05:31:00 · answer #4 · answered by PuCcI 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Please keep in mind that many women who were abused by men get into relationships with women, not because it's what they authentically want, but because it's the only intimate relationship that feels safe.
I was only assaulted on a few occasions and it definitely affects my ability to be intimate, emotionally and physically. The short answer is to go very slowly with both and be very aware of signs that may indicate that she's uncomfortable. She may be hard wired to accomodate someone even if she doesn't want to, thanks to the abuse she suffered. I still have trouble speaking up. Also, never agree to any type of rough physical intimacy. She may request it and seem to enjoy it, but that is also a side effect of what she's experienced and is rarely something that is really wanted. But most importantly she needs time to see that you can be trusted ,without any pressure to move forward.
2007-07-20 05:10:23 · answer #5 · answered by The Naughty Librarian 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I have been molested and then raped. I had problems getting close to men for a long time. Later, I allowed myself to get close and the men cheated on me. I now have a wonderful boyfriend.
If you care about her, discuss these personal issues with her. Let her take the lead. Do not force any issues with her, but you can gently encourage her. Don't be afraid to discuss your fears also. Tell her what you are exactly you are afraid of. It is very important to be honest and communicate with anyone you are in a relationship with. I am willing to express my feelings that I have with my boyfriend when the time comes with whatever I am afraid of. She should be willing to do the same. You may not have all the answers, but you can at least listen to her. That is part of the trust thing. She will respect you for it.
Best wishes to you.
2007-07-20 05:05:30 · answer #6 · answered by Stephanie F 7 · 3⤊ 1⤋
If she find out your sharing intimate details of her life with thousands of random people, she's going to be pissed. No, it doesn't matter that we're anonymous, remember the trust and intimacy issues?
Anyways, I just got out of a relationship with a woman who had serious trust issues, its an incredible drain on you and can eventually give YOU trust and intimacy issues. Encourage her to go back to counseling, if she feels she needs it, and if you truly love her, hang on for a wild ride.
(mm, that last bit sounds a tad dirty, nothing untoward intended)
2007-07-20 05:08:19 · answer #7 · answered by 47 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You will be great friends ! also you could be telling my story.
Just tell her this
"I want us to be great friends, and in order for that to happen I need you to give me permission to make mistakes.
I need you to trust me to know all of you not just the part of you that was messed up by some one that betrayed you.
I want you to know I am aware all your feelings and learning experiences were BASED on emotional abandonment and trickery and you learned to be wary. I want to help you heal that huge open wound.
Therefore I want you to trust me to let you know when I can't handle you on my own.
you will see me for who I am and not expect me to play games with you
When I say you need therapy you will trust me.
and get therapy.
If you don't I will feel you don't respect our friendship as much as I do and I will not continue it."
She needs to hear this,so she learns relationships must be earned despite of her past.
and if she won't put effort into it she is not even trying to heal.
other than this pact you will have a hilarious time being her friend! good luck and don't treat her like she has a spot on her head but do keep your eyes open for ANY substance abuse!
E-mail me if you get in over your head and I will advise you accordingly if YOU need it :)
2007-07-20 06:15:12 · answer #8 · answered by to tell ya the truth........... 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well at least she isnt on meds anymore. I know several girls who were abused, mostly by their father's, not quite to the 7 year extent of your friend, but they seem to mostly befriend males. They, for some reason feel more comfortible around us. (straight from the horses mouth) maybe she just needs a good influential male in her life to help her relax around other people. but if you have been friends through out, it shouldnt effect it much at all.
2007-07-20 05:21:36 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You will have to be very understanding. That is not something that a woman EVER gets over. She will have many up and down type days, and it will take your support and love to help her through it.
Its good that she had therapy, and I would suggest that you keep an open mind and heart and not take it personal if she withdraws. She needs someone who is understanding, and comforting and non judgemental.
Take it from one who knows, whose been through it. I stayed a virgin till 20, I'm 21 now and engaged to my first, because I didnt want to relive that pain, nor did I want to be used for my body, again. I waited till I found someone I loved, who loved me, and was understanding of my situation. Being molested, or raped is not easy, and it effects you for the rest of your life.
2007-07-20 05:05:51 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 1⤋