Nice guys finish last?

Question

I'm a good-looking, single guy, confident, funny and considerate to everyone I meet. Yet when I try get close to the women in my life that I feel are special it never gets past a physical relationship or friendship.

Almost without exception these women I try to get close to are survivors of abuse or escaped from troubled relationships (it just seems to work out that way) and time and again I try to be the white knight and prove to them all men are not bastards. Showing them affection and kindness, trying to lure them out of their shells and tempt them with a taste of a healthy relationship rather than bad memories.

But so far failure, they always push away and it makes me feel powerless in the end because no matter what I did to help I just couldn’t get passed the damage other men had already done.

Is it wrong for me to continue pursuing such relationships? Is it healthy for anyone in the long run? Is it worth getting my heart broken time and again?

So a lot of what I'm hearing here is that I'm really a bad guy and lack self-confidence for trying to help my friends through their emotional trauma and that women with abuse problems don't deserve time or sympathy... wow, that's really terrible, you should all be ashamed.

But for those of you offering constructive advice thank you so much, I sincerely appreciate it :)

Answer 1

While it seems that way to you, trust me, there's more than a few of us out here who have done the bad boy, never grow up kind of guy only out for himself.

You kind of sound like me, the male version of it. It's no fun, because no matter what you do, how you treat them or what you say, they seem to be damaged goods, or at least, that's what's going on in their heads.

As bad as you don't want to hear this, it's time to turn that special unique quality and save yourself, give yourself some of that TLC. It seems like that's all that you're attracting and in a way you are. Most of us try saving the other person, from themselves, maybe they're weren't ready, for whatever reason.

I will say this, when you're not really looking for it, that healthy, kind woman is gonna be tapping you on the shoulder or running into you. It finally happened to me, it will to you too.

Answer 2

That's a good question. Maybe I can help. The type of women that you have mentioned are scarred and hurt. Like any other thing that gets hurt and cut, it needs time to heal. You can't help them if they don't want to help themselves. All people get hurt, get angry and then get over it. You are just meeting them in the angry stage and setting yourself up. How are you setting yourself up? Because you are the one that thinks you can make a difference if YOU try hard enough. No, Sir. WHat you should look for are the types that are on the "over it" part. SOmeone confident and ready for a relationship. Also, if you don't want it to just be physical, don't go there thinking that will get them. It won't. If they're angry, they'll think back to when they where with the other person. For real.
None of what you stated is worth it if you are going to have a broken heart time and again. Really, aren't relationships supposed to be for happiness? Anything else is just drama and caca in your life. The nice guy part is not bad, unless you are the type to get walked on. I can see it now...the girls get hurt, they get angry, then meet you and are mean to you and you have to take the abuse brought on by the other men! If you allow this to happen, no wonder you're unhappy.
Find a confident good woman to keep you company. You'll notice the difference RIGHT AWAY!
Keep treating the ladies right...it's all for Karma!

Answer 3

My guy is a victim of "nice guy syndrome."

When he and I first started seeind each other, right after high school, I had gone through some rough relationships. I had trust issues and commitment issues. We didn't last long, but we remained friends.

I got married to a not-so-nice guy, but didn't realize it at the time.

My guy friend and I remained buddies. We hung out, talked on the phone and became best friends over time. Even when he moved out of state, he made time to visit me when he came to town for his family events.

Throughout our friendship, my buddy dated some pretty messed up / abused girls. The relationships never went past physical, and he was left wondering if he would ever find someone with whom he could have a stable relationship.

My husband and I separated a little over a year ago, and my guy friend ended up moving back home. We started dating not long after my husband moved out.

Over the last year, having a relationship with a nice looking, mature, funny, intelligent and level-headed guy has been difficult for me. My feeling is that a relationship should hurt and that love should be un uphill battle.

My guy treats me like gold, never lies, never cheats and never says an unkind thing to me. He's amazing.

So, after seven years with a jerk, it feels strange to be with a guy who is so wonderful; at times I find myself asking, "Do I even deserve a guy like this? What is he doing with ME?"

We've had some major ups and downs. I've called off the relationship quite a few times, but he refuses to leave me. He knows that a lot of my outbursts have been caused by past pain and my adjusting to "normalcy."

You may or may not find a girl, who has a past, who is able to accept that you're not a jerk, or that you're not going to hurt her.

What matters most is being secure in yourself, understanding who and what you are, and being proud to be a nice guy.

Maybe you have a predisposition to go for the damsels in distress. Maybe you should try seeking women with a different outlook on life and relationships.

I really wish you the very best!!!

Answer 4

Well, you have to put it into consideration that these close women in your life, have been hurt by men before, so they might not trust you ethier- just because your a guy. Maybe you should try to explpain to them how you feel, and prove to them that you are diffrent.

if they keep pushing u away what else can you do? Maybe you should seperate from them alittle, and they'll realize that the had a good guy right there all along, but were to heart broken to see it. Don't give up. you seem like a nice guy, and am sure they will see that. :)

Answer 5

You are insecure and somewhat low on self esteem and have a Florence Nightingale type complex; i.e., you seek to heal that which is sick (in this case, emotionally) but you lack the confidence and life experience to do so. Also, the sad truth is that some of these people have suffered such severe psychological damage they couldn't be healed by Dr. Phil.
Read the book "Memory and Abuse" by Charles Whitfield. It may help you more than you know.

Answer 6

Greetings,
I understand!!! I too have tried to be a night in shining armor to those I thought I luv'd. They just aren't ready for a relationship. There are differant times in life we all need something a little off from what is being offered. Yeh, it seems like a game, but it is also something that can't be explained. Just keep in the saddle, and move on. Hopefully someday, you will meet the person that needs what you have to offer....until then, march on and N-joy.

Answer 7

I am being serious when I say to check out Dr. Laura's book, Ten Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives. There is a chapter about this chivalrous white knight behavior. When you find your reason behind it, it will help you to choose more wisely.

Answer 8

They definitely do. I've walked in your shoes and trust me "nice" doesn't work. If you can be a bad boy, trying being a heartless jerk...it works way better than being nice to girls except you're gay and only want them as friends

Answer 9

I was just like you. You will always end up getting hurt. Don't waste your time like I did so many times. You cannot save them. Find someone who has their life together. Trying to save these girls is never appreciated and they just don't know how to love. You will ALWAYS be the one getting hurt.

Answer 10

Your dating the wrong kind of girl. Find someone like you who feels and thinks, and not some one with big **** or who is popular. Everyone is a person. Discover the real person in real girls.