I love him so much, my boyfriend that is and it has been over 2 1/2 years and he is 36, I am 35, he just became a corrections officer and has always said when he is settled in a "career" we would move forward. He bought my engagment ring 3 months after we met. We dont live together, he still lives at home, his dad passed away 10 years ago and his job is 25 min from me and over and hour and 15 min from his house. He stays with me for 3 days at a time, I go up there as well His mom loves me and so does his sister who also lives there, she is 44. I have my own condo and want to get married and have a family and he says he does to, am I being taken for a ride? He is the most caring sensitive, loving man, Help!!!
2007-07-20 01:54:50 · 23 answers · asked by Just curious 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
As I see it there are two possibilities.
Either He has gotten comfortable with the way things are and doesn't feel "moving forward" is needed. If he is getting everything he needs now with out the commitment of marriage then why get married. See what I mean.
or
Because he is a corrections officer his life is in danger every day he works. Every time he goes off to work, he could come home in a body bag. Knowing this and knowing that he is a sensitive man, he may be trying to save you from being hurt if he went off to work one day and never came home.
I am more inclined to believe however, that the first possibility is the correct one. He has become so content he doesn't need the commitment of marriage or of anything else. He can come and go as he pleases. He can be with you or with any one he wants. I say this because he has been your boy friend for 2 1/2 years. If he was truly in love with you, he would not be your boyfriend, he would be your husband.
I think you may have to give him an ultimatum. That would be you as wife or you move on.
2007-07-20 02:08:44 · answer #1 · answered by mikeae 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Either he has a commitment problem or he is just resistant to change. Sometimes people become so used to the status quo that any major changes send them for loop. You need to have an open and honest talk about this. Neither of you is getting any younger and if you don't get started on that family right away you could miss the opportunity. So talk now, find out why he is hesitant and explain that now is the time. Does he really want kids? If yes then explain that your biological clock is winding down. Tell him exactly how you feel and tell him you need to set a date. If he is hesitant for no good reason then you need to decide if living this way with no children is going to be OK with you because that is what you are looking at. Good Luck.
2007-07-20 02:04:31 · answer #2 · answered by Don 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Time to fish or cut bait. Give him a choice between two reasonable dates. If he doesn't choose, says the time isn't right, etc. screw on some guts and hand him back the ring. Do it nicely, say you are not breaking up in anyway, but the ring signifies a willingness that he doesn't have. You can just go along, if you can, with this better than nothing relationship. Ring or no ring, not much difference, accept in your mind. He is thrilled to have this little arrangement going on. He gets everything he wants. So, since you have a relationship with the guy anyways, and you adore the hell out of him, just continue doing your thing, just be honest about it, do it without a meaningless ring. You will be sad, but you will continue to go along with it. Hell, I'll even bet he talks you into keeping the ring and you do it. Over two years he is engaged to you, and he enjoys the company of your bed and your life centers around him, and no wedding? You have settled for far less than you are worth. But he's your dream guy, so great.
Now, blunt talk, not being rude to you. You asked for answers, and that is my impression. Best wishes.
2007-07-20 02:05:51 · answer #3 · answered by Suzie G 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's the live at home part that gets to me. And that it took him till he was 36 to establish a career. I have had a career since 20, and away from my mother's home since 23. Well, that's just all perspective.
He has the career and you have a condo, the math seems pretty straight-forward to me. I'd say play your hand and up the ante. Sit him down, explain the situation, hell, throw in one of the all famous "I'm not getting any younger" speeches.
If he's not willing to move forward, you're spinning your wheels. He may have family issues (mental) that are holding him back. But you have to talk to him about it, press the issue, and if things don't work out, they don't work out. But at least plead your case and give him a really good chance to react.
2007-07-20 02:06:05 · answer #4 · answered by chaoss13 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you are being taken for a ride per se, but, it is time to have a conversation with him. Not an ultimatum, not a pressure, but a simple, "Honey, I feel like I need to know what your plans are for us, and what the timetable for those plans are? We aren't children and I want to know if and when we are moving forward...if you honestly can't say yet, that's okay, but I can't continue in this holding pattern..." Your needs and his needs out on the table so you can both decide what next...however...if he has a 44 yr old sister still living with Mom....it doesn't bode well for you...sounds like the family is possibly stunted since the loss of the Father and the children are feeling some sort of guilt to leave mom....
good luck but don't settle for less than you need and want in a relationship!
2007-07-20 02:03:51 · answer #5 · answered by angelalynnanne 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
married & have a family? you've been taken for a ride in life. At 35, you're on the backside of childbearing years. If this guy was unsettled in his career into his 30s, then he's a fuking loser. Sounds like he has real commitment issues.
It's one thing to buy an engagement ring, but if he didn't set a date, then he doesn't want to be permanantly tied down. Move quickly to find someone who's gone or going somewhere in life.
2007-07-20 02:01:12 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
I am a little confused here. You write he bought the engagement ring 3 months after meeting you and you all are together 2 1/2 years. You didn't mention if he proposed to you at any point since you are still calling him your bf and not fiance.
I have major concerns because he is still living at home with his mother especially since he is 36. I have a son who is 39 and it hasn't lived at home since he was 19 and I am a single parent.
Then when I read his 44 year old sister is still living at home makes me wonder about the ability of commitment and desire to move out of their mother's home. It looks like things are really comfortable at this household.
You need to set a timeline for yourself and if he doesn't commit to you and go forward, then its time for you to stop wasting valuable years of your life.
The one thing YOU don't want to happen is for him to move in with YOU. My goodness this would be the worst thing EVER, but based on his track record of still living at home, I don't think this would happen.
Congrats to you on having your own condo and being on your own.
2007-07-20 02:14:30 · answer #7 · answered by Patty G 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Apparently you are not the only one being taken for a ride, you share that boat with his mother. Sounds like he may be a "mama's boy" with you as a fresh piece of meat, within close driving distance of his job.
You say, "He is the most caring sensitive, loving man", so I guess your mind is already made up about him and you don't really want to hear from us. So maybe the best thing to do is wish you well and hope you have a long and happy life in your present relationship. What you see,may well be what you get.
2007-07-20 02:35:53 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The thing is, look at all the things he's done to hurt you and has he ever shown you that he truly loves you. Compare the things that he has done for you and to show he loves you to the things he's done to bring you down and the ways he's hurt you. It sounds like 2 1/2yrs are enough and that you deserve so much better, I will not be the one to tell you to end it, only you can decide if you truly love him and if he truly loves you. But if it was me, I'd end it now. I'm sorry I can't be of more help to you.
2016-05-18 01:55:09 · answer #9 · answered by rosalind 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He doesn't seem to want to let go of his mom, or maybe the opposite. I think that his sister should care for the mom and he should do what he wants to do, hopeful, it's being with you.
I struggled with my (ex)wife constantly being at her mom's house and not making up her mind that I decided that enough was enough...
Your boyfriend has to make a choice
2007-07-20 02:02:14 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋