My daughter and her fiance have lived together for over 2 years now and have a baby. They are getting married Oct. 6. Once they announced their wedding, Ms. X (the fiance's mother) started planning everything, putting deposits down at different places--basically running up a huge tab, before discussing anything with my husband and I about helping out financially. That was a month or so ago she started doing this. She called me the other night asking if we were going to "follow wedding etiquette." She was very rude from the get-go, talking down to me, basically implying that we have alot of money (we do not!) and that we should be paying for photographer, reception, food, drink, etc. Things she has already put money on before consulting anyone. And they live in Ohio while we live in Indiana. Not too convenient for us to run over there anytime we want. She hung up on me when my answers didn't satisfy her. She was very rude to my husband when he called her later. HELP!
2007-07-20 01:07:42 · 27 answers · asked by Sue W 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
"Wedding Etiquette" is a thing of the past, especially since so many couples have non-traditional relationships, and have already set up house together.
For my wedding, my husband's Dad paid for the rehearsal dinner, which we kept casual. That's all we felt right asking for. As a result, he shocked the heck out of us with a very generous wedding gift. So there's one rationale: No one is made of money. You have "X" amount to spend. The more you spend on the party, the less you can spend on their gift. Which will be appreciated more?
My Mom paid for the reception, and she offered to do that with a limit on what we could spend, however we wanted to spend it. We had a modest number of people (85) at about $42 a head in a really nice restaurant. Everything else my husband and I paid for-we weren't kids (in our 20's), we both had decent jobs and had about ten months to save for it. We don't lead an extravagant lifestyle, so why have an extravagant wedding?
I think you need to sit down with both kids and have a talk with them about their priorities and what you are able to do for them. They should be more involved in their own wedding plans and not just let the monster-in-law run the whole show.
God luck, Mom.
2007-07-20 01:29:24 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Yikes, I may have to change my name here! :-)
Have a discussion with your daughter ASAP. Find out if she has authorized her future MIL to make all these arrangements. If so, give a gift to your daughter of an amount you see fit. Maybe $1000. (Even $0 if you wish.) But certainly no where near enough to even make a dent in paying for all this stuff. She can use it toward the wedding if she wants, but don't pay another dime. Don't let yourself be emotionally blackmailed into paying even half the tab for this wedding!
If your daughter has not authorized these plans, then the MIL is SOL. Either you daughter can plan her own wedding, or you can plan one with her.
And be sure to tell both her and your SIL the whole situation about his mother's treatment of you. Hopefully, he'll do the right thing and stand up for you, but don't count on in. If he doesn't, your daughter has a momma's boy problem on her hands.
2007-07-20 12:22:13 · answer #2 · answered by Ms. X 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Is the Wedding going to be in Indiana or Ohio? I only ask because if it is in Ohio the rude Mom-in-law might think she knows best because it is her territory....the trouble is...what does your daughter want? what does she think? If she's okay with the plans so far than sit down with your husband and figure out what you can honestly contribute and give it as a $ amt to you daughter...then you don't have to deal with the woman at all!
good luck!
(I'm a daughter planning to get married and I have a 9 yr old daughter...I'd be upset if MY daughter didn't consult me, but I'd NEVER presume to take over the planning FOR her...just like I don't expect MY Mom to be left out! I also, however, don't expect her to PAY a THING, just to show up and be beautiful! (And to perform the ceremony since she's a JP!)
2007-07-20 08:48:24 · answer #3 · answered by angelalynnanne 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
First on your to do list should be to immediately sit down and have a heart to heart with your daughter and the fiance. You need to let them know that you and the other mom are "having some problems." Don't bash her or call her rude in front of them, just stick with the facts and tell the kids you are sooo sorry, that you don't want this to mess up their plans. You really need to do this because otherwise they are going to hear the story from only the other side. By not bashing her you are showing dignity and restraint and the kids won't think of you as the "bad guy." As far as dealing with the other mom, I would not do it by phone. I would write a letter explaining in no uncertain terms what you can afford and not afford to help out with. Also explain to her how you feel about her making plans without you. PS it's usually the daughter and her mother that do the planning, I agree with you this woman has gone off the deep end with her "I'm the queen of the world" attitude, what is with this woman?
2007-07-20 08:37:07 · answer #4 · answered by saturdays child 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Traditional "wedding ettiquette" is that you plan it as well as pay for it! There is absolutely no basis in wedding ettiquette that says the groom's mom plans and picks everything out, and the bride's mom writes a check. No way!
Also, in traditional wedding ettiquette, the groom's side pays for the drink.
Call your daughter and say that you'd love to help out with the wedding by giving them X amount. Be specific when you tell her how much. Write and mail her a check (are they in Ohio as well?). I'd personally add something like "I do wish Ms. X had asked how much we could contribute before she made all those deposits" but you don't have to.
When Ms. X calls again, say that you've already given the money you're contributing to the couple directly, to spend as they see fit.
2007-07-20 10:01:44 · answer #5 · answered by Pink Denial 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Where have I heard this before?? Sounds very familiar. Well point blank, tell her since she started making all the reservations and plans, she pays for them... You did not sign a binding contract that says you are paying for anything.
Personally, since they have been together so long and do have a baby, how about THEM deciding what to have. A small informal, garden wedding, nice music, (canned of course, )
a few invitations, only those that mean something to the couple should be invited., and a very nice small dinner.... not a giantic reception( unless she is paying for it all).. and if they go this way, have them tell the people they cant invite, that its nothing against you, but with our small budget we decided to do it this way, since we, the bride and groom are paying for it...
Who says husband's mother has in say in it...lay down the rules now or Mother will run their lives........
2007-07-20 09:00:25 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Don't let this woman upset you. It is traditional for the bride's father to pay for the wedding expenses. These two people, however, are grown and have a child, which means they are responsible for their own wedding. If this woman wants to run everything, let her pay for it. If you and your husband want to participate financially, talk to your daughter and see what she needs. Don't call this woman again and don't discuss the wedding expenses with her. You have no obligation to do so. If she calls, simply tell her to check with your daughter. If she becomes insistent and rude again, hang up the phone.
2007-07-20 08:22:21 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Yikes. Does your daughter and future SiL know this is going on by any chance? I am guessing they dont since no normal girl would gove over such reign without you hearing about it. I would speak to them first to find out whats going on and what their plans are. This is really something for him to handle because this is his mother, no doubt if you are feeling this way I can only imagine what your daughter must be going through. My MIL is very demanding and rude as well, but I'll be honest, if my husband had ever heard that she was being like this with my mom he would have gone ballistic. I really think you should speak to your daughter and clue her in to what has transpired and discuss a course of action with her.
2007-07-20 08:16:59 · answer #8 · answered by kateqd30 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I hate to say it, but your daughter and her fiancee should have discussed the finances of the wedding with you and your husband as well as the other family. I think part of the expenses should be borne by your daughter. She's been living outside the home and has a child. If she wants a large wedding then I think she and her fiancee need to pay as well.
As far as the "rude mother" I think you're going to have to decide how much you are willing to pay and stand your ground.
Good Luck
2007-07-20 08:16:33 · answer #9 · answered by Maureen G 3 · 5⤊ 0⤋
i would first talk to her and tell her that you feel that her treatment is a bit fair considering your circumstances...you being hours away and all. dont' mention how rude she is being and waht not. just tell her you feel that is is difficult to follow "wedding etiquette" while being so far away. if she contiunes to be rude then and only then you go to your daughter with the issue and maybe her fiance can talk to his mom. but don't get the bride and groom involved unless you have 2. they don't need to be put in the middle and to becomed stressed out. just talk to the mother calmy and politely. to ease things ( although this would mean you taking blame) just tell her your having trouble....she may calm down a little.if you try to blame or attack her then things will get ugly.
good luck
2007-07-20 08:50:18 · answer #10 · answered by grenouille 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋