Stop co-sleeping with toddler?

Question

My daughter began co-sleeping with her father and I very early on-- about 1 week or so. we didn't intend to, but she would fall asleep with her on our chest and we would end up falling asleep too. Then her father and I split up just before she was two. We both moved to new homes and she continued to sleep in our separate beds.

I have allowed this for several reasons: 1. It's just easier 2. Admittedly, I feel guilt about her father not being with us and she was definitely stressed but the split. 3. I feel like her inability to sleep in her own bed is my fault. 4. Her father has been unwilling to work with me and stop her sleeping in his bed at his house.

She is three now and it's is time she goes to her own bed. She will be starting pre-school in 1 month, where she will be attending full day classes. She is getting bigger. Plus... it's beginning to get uncomfortable for us (she thrashes around) and neither of us are getting any sleep.

Can I fix this with minimal stress to to her?

Answer 1

Here's what we did with our son and we will do with our daughter-

Place a cot or a pad on the floor either beside your bed or at the end of your bed. Your daughter may sleep there while she transitions to her bed. This worked really well- to get him used to sleeping alone.

Some say gradually move it to your room- we didn't. We put an aquarium in our son's room- it has a built in nightlight- and he loved watching the fish as he fell asleep. He was moved in there- and though he did come in to our room- I would move him back to his bed. He stayed in there.

If she is really reluctant- make a chart for her- and give her a star for each night she spends in her bed. At the pre-set time- a reward for her- something for her new bed, room, etc.

It worked wonders for us.

Make sure that school is in and she is well adjusted before you do any major changes like this. Our son was 3 when he transitioned into his bed. Also make sure you have an established routine at bedtime- bath, teeth, story, and bed.

You don't ever have to explain yourself for sleep sharing- it's a wonderful thing and you provided your daughter with much needed security when she needed it most.

Good job momma!

Answer 2

As long as both you and her father agree, try a toddler bed right next to your bed for a couple weeks. She can still reach out and touch you but has her own space. Then move her bed a little further away until she is on the other side of the room (or wherever you want her ). The next step, unless she shares a room with you, would be to move her bed into her own room. She may want you to lie with her, but just sit on the floor next to her bed and don't talk to her. Just be there and put her back in if she tries to climb out. Once she is asleep you can sneak out. Try getting farther and farther away from her bed until she can go to bed without any parent in their with her. It will take some work but you can do it gradually. Or try cold turkey but that seems a bit harsh after 3 years.

Answer 3

It's going to be rough, with as long as it's been going on. My suggestion:

1. Continue to let her fall asleep in your bed. After she's in a deep enough sleep that she won't wake up, move her to her bed. If she comes back in during the night, let her fall asleep again and then take her back to her bed. You might feel like you're wearing a path between your two beds, but hang in there. After about a week, you might start talking about how she needs to sleep in her bed. However, unless you feel that it would be helpful, don't get too stern with her. Remember, this has been going on for her entire life....old habits die hard.

2. I would hope that you start to see the return trips become less frequent as she gets used to her bed. Gradually deny her entry into your bed, instead walking her back to her own bed. Maybe stay with her to comfort her until she falls asleep. (You'll probably hear arguments that you shouldn't stay in there, but that's your call.)

3. You could try the reward trick, once you've started this pattern. "If you sleep in your bed all night for a week, you'll get...." and so on. Don't know how susceptible your daughter is to things like that.

Your other option is to cut her cold turkey. I doubt that will result in "minimal stress", but you never know. Maybe she's tired of sleeping in your bed, too, but doesn't know anything else.

Answer 4

I have allowed the same thing in my house for many of the same reasons as you it is awful sometimes b/c I have four and I do not have a bedroom they just all pile in the living room with me it just became a habit and it is better than sleeping alone all the time but only my four year old actually sleeps practically on top of me.honestly you can do all the fancy by the book stuff you want most of won't work it usually comes down to a battle of wills that is how I got two of my kids to sleep separately from me. good luck it is not an ea sty thing for either of you .hope you get lucky.

Answer 5

Probably the easiest way is to put her in her own bed once she goes to sleep. I would guess that for both you and your ex, part of it is that it is comforting having that other person in the bed.

Another thing would be for you to start putting her to sleep in her own bed and you to lay with her for a while. Read to her, etc. which will be comforting until she goes to sleep. Then you get up when she goes to sleep.

I fear for him a bit though, once she starts school, if she mentions that she sleeps with him, that really could cause some questions to him by teachers these days.

I think that she will probably work her way out of it anyway as she gets older. She'll start wanting friends to come spend the night and later she'll want to start staying at her friend's house.

Answer 6

It will take a while to accomplish this but you have to be constant. Put the child to bed and tell them they have to stay in bed and sleep. Then leave. For the first week sit out side the door and when the child comes out put them back. Its going to be hard. Count to three and breath deep.It will take up to an hour for them to fall asleep for the first week. Put them to bed at the same time every night if possible. Number one thing to remember you cant give in. Don't lay with them it will only make it harder in the future. Good luck

Answer 7

Hopefully it is as simple as patiently reinforcing the lesson that she has a bed of her own. Perhaps there is more to it than that. Consider the following example.

My wife and I live in seperate towns. While I am gone, our son sleeps with Mommy. While I am there, he sleeps in his own room. We think it's a security thing. We don't know whether he thinks he is being there for Mommy or if he just feels more secure with me there.

The point is that it might not be simple. Pay attention to how she reacts and what she says. It might be as simple as teaching her to sleep in her own room, or it might be something else. Whatever, be patient, loving and resourceful. Continue to communicate with her father. You both have to work together on this.

Answer 8

Im sure as soon as one of you has a new adult relationship - the motivation for stopping the co-sleeping will kick up a few notches.

Perhaps if you got a small cot, daybed, or rocking chair in her room to let you hold her as she falls asleep. As soon as shes asleep - put her in her crib.

Usually they want you to get your baby simply very drowsy before putting it in the crib - but you are getting a late start to this and I think holding your child till she's solidly asleep first wont hurt anything.

Answer 9

Get her a toddler matress and put it beside your bed. On the first night, sleep beside her. On the second night, sleep in your bed. On the third night, move her closer to the door. Keep doing this until she reaches the door and then move her to her bedroom. Let her pick out the decorations and the paint color. Make it HER special room.

Also, try to talk to her father as an adult and ask him to please do the same with her. Remember to be firm, and if she wakes up and goes to bed with you, put her back in her bed.

It sounds like you're the type of woman who can survive anything and though it may take a little while, you'll be able to overcome this as well.

Answer 10

Start with setting her bed in the same room as you, and have her mimic your routine, for example, brushing your teeth together, getting into bed at the same time, etc, this way she knows she isn't alone. Always give a compliment whenever she does good to encourage her.